Tuesday, February 21, 2006


I was accused of being a homophobe today. At first, I misheard the guy and thought he said "homophone" which, since Reid is a homophone of read and reed is technically correct, but I'm certainly not a homophobe. Honestly, I don't give a shit if you're straight or gay or bi or whatever. The only straight I care about is the straight that comes in a highball glass without ice.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

New Republican Slogan

So by now, most of you have heard that some Dick named Cheney shot a lawyer friend of his during a hunting "accident" this past weekend. Between slipping approval ratings and continued criticism of the war in Iraq, the Republicans should be looking for a party campaign slogan. If we take a look at some of the things this party has done let's see what we can come up with. Shall we?

The No Child Left Behind Act has crushed a number of schools and put unreasonable burdens on some that are underperforming while cutting education dollars to make it even more difficult for those schools to suceed, in a sense, leaving every child behind.

Scooter (and honestly, how the fuck does a Chief of Staff to the Vice President get a name like "scooter"? Scooter is the name you give to the crippled kid down the block) Libby leaked information about active CIA Agent Valerie Plame because of her husband's criticism of the administration.

The Administration failed to react to the Katrina disaster in a timely manner even though they had multiple reports the evening after the hurricane that the levy system in New Orleans had failed.

Based on this and similar action I think the party should use the following for its slogan to scare the shit out of the it's enemies:

"Republicans: If we're willing to do this kind of shit to our own people, just imagine what we'll do to you. Bitch."

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Valentine's Day

Valentine might have been a saint but his day is a total fucker. It is my belief that Valentine's Day should fall on the 15'th of April so we can get the two shittiest days of the year out of the way in one sitting...or shitting depending on your point of view.

Cloning Pandas

So there's a doctor in Korea who was working on human cloning. His name was Hwang Woo Suk. Now okay, I could make the normal jokes about Suk Hwang, but really, I'm classier than that. Suffice it to say that I don't understand what Suk Mi Wang was doing researching cloning anyway. It makes no sense to research human cloning. We already have enough humans. Fuck, look at China, it's near Korea and they have too many people. What they don't have enough of is Panda's. What that Hwang Sukker should be studying is how to clone pandas. While I might want two people to Suk Mi Hwang, I don't need two Hwang Woo Suks. You might wonder why I suggest oanda's. It's because pandas are, like my ex-girlfriend, too lazy to fuck. So if we need someone to Suk a panda Hwang to make more pandas, I'm all for it.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Jesus For Breakfast: Snap Crackle and Pray!

So you're the son of God, incarnated on Earth the help the poor and sick and forgive the sins of all mankind. How do you go about this? Not miracles, not getting rid of President Bush and Dick Cheney. Not by unifying mankind under a tolderant, reasonable religion and thus ending holy war. No, you appear on breakfast foods. America puts the faces of dead Presidents on it's currency so you figure, "Shit, I can top that" and decide to appear on a pancake, or a piece of toast or some other food item that ends up on eBay. Does that make any fucking sense at all?!?! If you're the son of an omnipotent God, shouldn't you be appearing in a little less discrete manners? Shouldn't you be making huge crop circles that say "Jesus was here!" in Aramaic? You shouldn't be appearing in a box of Frosted Flakes going "try Christians, they're grrrreat!" You're Jesus for fuck's sake. You are the only offspring of the Creator, not a part of a balanced breakfast.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Religion in the Classroom

Some people are opposed to teaching religion in schools. Contrary to popular thought, I'm actually for it, but in the right place. I think English or lit class would be appropriate. Or whatever class it is that you learn about Superman in. There's a lot of similarity between Superman and Jesus. Both of them are around to help the weak and can blame it on their fucked up father's that always talk in a really deep booming voice from out of fucking nowhere. Both of them have superpowers, although I have to say stopping a bullet and bending metal is much cooler than healing a leper. And both are pure fiction.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Gay Terrorism

I'm not very motivated to do many things. Motivated people scare me. Osama bin Laden, Pat Robertson, Dick Cheney, these are all very motivated people. It's crazy fuckers like these that make me wonder why we don't see many motivated minorities. Where's the pregnant chick who goes and blows up some right to life office? Where the gay guy who walks around beating up stright people just for being heteros? The NYT is running a story about some kid who walked into a gay bar with a hatchet and a handgun. Why he felt it necessary to have a hatchet if he's got a pistol is beyond me, but whatever. Point is, you don't hear about any butch dykes going around blowing up straight bars and that just seems wrong to me. Granted, I'm happy not to be a victim of gay terrorism, but shouldn't there be more of it? Shouldn't we see a gay pride parade turn into a riot that goes around beating up construction workers and inidians for stealing their themes?


Now look, I know I'm not religious nor am I prone to fads, but I remember at some point there was a big thing about this and it was some Jesus thing. For the life of me, I cannot remember what the hell WWJD stands for. So, when I walk down the street and happen to pass by a chick that I'm pretty damn sure is a lesbian and happen to say "Wonder Woman Jumps Dykes" it's not because I'm an offensive person (I am, but not for that reason). It's because I don't believe in whatever little bullshit accessories your cult was handing out seven years ago, nor do I care to remember what the acronym actually stood for. So whether it's "Wonder Woman Jumps Dykes" or "What Wonderful Jack Daniels" I do not deserve to be smacked by a random crazy bitch on the street.

This Guy and Some Dude

There are a lot of weird names out there. I've had students with all kinds of crazy names, but most of them were pretty reasonable people. I had one student named Phinn who, depsite having a name that constantly made me think of Jaws, was a pretty decent guy. I really don't know how many people out there are named Guy or Dude but it seems to me that most of them are total assholes. I was watching a person last night tell a cop that some Dude hit his car. How he know the person's name is beyond me, maybe vanity plates, or he had one of those "Hello, my name is" stickers on. But it made me realize that when something bad happens, when you get whacked over the head with a crowbar, or when someone anally rapes your pet, it's usually someone named Guy or someone named Dude. You see people explain to the cops or the news cameras about how, out of nowhere, this Guy comes up behind you, smacks you on the head with a rock, next thing you know you wake up in a Thai brothel and people are calling you Suki. It gets even worse when you get a bunch of Guys together. It's always "these four Guys jumped me for no reason. I was just sitting outside at 3AM minding my own business and these four Guys came out of nowhere." Whenever you get Guys together it's trouble. I can't imagine what terror occurs when there's Dude convention in town. You should stay away from people named Guy and people named Dude, they're bad news.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

If my last name was King

I was sad to hear that Martin Luther King Jr.'s wife had died. Not that I knew her or anything, just that it seems like so much missed opprotunity. Now if you're Marting Luther King III that's some heavy legacy to live up to. But if I had the last name King, regardless of who I was, I would change my first name to Fu. I'm Chinese, I can get away with shit like that. Wouldn't that be cool. Fu King. Stand up in the first day of class as a little kid and tell the teacher and class that your name is Fu King.

"What did you say young man!" she would yell.

"Fu King idiot. My name is Fu King" I would reply.

"That's it young man, you march right down the principals office. It's the big door in the hallway marked Mr. Dickson Butts. Go right this instant."

And so would be the start of each and every school year from K through 12.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

What a Dick

You know how when he hero does something really great people say stuff like, "Wow! what a hero!" Like if Superman stops nuclear missile or something, people say stuff like "wow he's super!" I wonder what the reaction is in the White House when Vice President Cheney does something right. Do the people around him go "Wow! What a Dick!" If they don't they should start.