Saturday, July 30, 2016

Sadistic Twister

Given the shape I’m in, which is basically “eggplant”, this is going to come across as a complaint, but it’s not; someone explain to me how “spin instructor” is a thing? You’re not spinning, you’re biking. And it’s a stationary bike, so it’s not like you need someone to lead you on a particular route. And "instructor" implies teaching of some sort but you’re already expected to know how to ride a bike before you walk in the door. Also, let’s be clear, if you don’t know how to ride a stationary bike, you probably have some other problems to work through first, like breathing or not drooling like an idiot. So really that job of “spin instructor” is just about yelling at people and you don’t need to be in shape to do that. Find a retired drill sergeant. You can give a vet a job and free up the hot lady to do more yoga, which is something you actually need to instruct people on because remembering those poses is like some sadists version of Twister.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Memories two decades old

I like to think my political views are centrist, or maybe even mildly Libertarian. For example, I’m not pro-marriage. I’m not against same-sex marriage. I simply think the government shouldn’t be involved at all and what’s more, giving tax breaks for it, encourages stupid people to get married, reproduce and then keep the divorce lawyers in business. I think abortion are a personal health matter and should be allowed, but should be done in churches so that if some religious fanatic is going to blow something up, he’ll have to REALLY want it.
So when I say that I’m in voting for Hillary Clinton and I sincerely hope that she wins, know that this isn’t the same level of personal approval and admiration that I had for her husband Bill, probably the greatest Republican President since Lincoln. This is a pragmatic opinion wherein I want my Executive leadership to be, you know, competent.

But it’s a view based on the comedy of the situation, because think about this: when Hillary wins, she’ll be going to go to work every morning, for at least four years, in the very same office where her husband got a blowjob from someone else in. I know the White House has a decent budget for decorating so I’m sure it’s not like, the same couch or anything, but you can’t just replace the Resolute desk. And even if you can steam clean a carpet more effectively than you can dry clean a blue dress, that doesn’t take away the memory of it.  I had a girlfriend a while back who left some stuff at my place when she moved. A subsequent girlfriend found one or her shirts or something and pretty nearly set it on fire. And they hadn't even met. Imagine being the leader of the free world knowing somewhere in your office, the place where you could commute a death-row sentence or start a nuclear war, some fucking intern was blowing your husband. I’m not big into psychological torture, but if I had to work every day in the same space where my spouse cheated, I’d go a little nutty. And Hillary isn’t stupid, I’m sure she’s considered this, so if she’s still willing to do the job, I’m with her. 

Saturday, July 23, 2016

My Search History

Okay, look, I'm pretty much neutral on porn. I'm at a loss to name more than like one or two porn stars. Sasha Grey/Gray (spelling?) is the only one off the top of my head, there was another one from a while back who was in Mensa…anyway, not a huge fan, but I’m not really opposed to it.  Thing is, something in my search / browsing habits is fucking with my Google results because I just went to pull up the "BBC" for coverage of the attacks in Germany and holy fuck was there a lot of, well, fuck is pretty much the appropriate term there. I mean, something is screwed up here, because my search results have things that are screwed up, down, upside-down, sideways and, in pretty much every position and orifice possible. I get the acronymic usage of “BBC” but I thought Google was supposed to be the all-knowing God of the interwebs when it comes to my habits. What the hell in my search history is distorting my relevance results? Have I called Trump a cunt like a hundred too many times? Referred to Putin as a gigantic dick too often on Twitter? To quote the great thinker of my generation, Buffy the Vampire Slayer – ‘splainy?

I've had a couple of hours to calm down about this now, and you know what? I'm still a little annoyed, and after those search results, just feeling a little...little. I don't think you can just appropriate the "BBC" acronym like that. And okay fine, look at my picture and you might suspect that's a racist statement. It's not. It's a precedence thing. The World Service has been delivering me the news for way longer than Shaq's dong...I mean a few years. And they've been doing it in that haughty accent and pretentious tone of voice that makes me believe it's the 12 inches...I mean truth. On the other hand, the British were kind of big fans of slavery there for a while, so maybe it's a little less unfair?

Sunday, July 10, 2016

The Force is Strong With This One.

I'm not saying they wouldn't be cool to have; I'm just saying that on a day to day basis, I don't get into many situations where Force powers would be especially useful for anything other than safe auto-erotic asphyxiation.