Monday, June 29, 2009

thought of the day 2009 07 04 - adoption

Does anybody else think that Angelina Jolie should adopt Michael Jackson's kids? She wouldn't have to fly nearly as far and wouldn't have the same red tape with immigration. Plus the MJ's kids would've had just as traumatic a childhood as a war child

Saturday, June 27, 2009

thought of the day 2009 07 03 - Job

It's not that I'm against the idea of some greater power, it's that I'm against the idea of organized religion. Organized relgion gave us stories like the story of Job. God is so assured in the faith of Job that he kills the man's children, destroys his posessions...well okay technically he doesn't do it but he allows Satan to do it. Which is kind of a technicality. Like I didn't rob the bank, I just happened to let that guy with the Snickers bar in his pocket rob the bank even though I knew it was a Snickers bar and I had a 9mm Sig. Whatever, technicality, fine. So all this shit that Job goes through and still he's pious. Satan doubles down and gets permission from God to inflict personal harm and makes him sick. Okay fine. So this is Old Testament, I smite thee God, not New Testament I hug thee God. There's a distinction, I get it, but still, not the kind of attitude I want in my supreme diety.

This is the kind of behavior I expect from an 8 year old retarded kid. Some evil little prick comes up to him and says "bet I can break your toy" God says "nuh uh, you can't and I'll prove it!" and then proceeds to stand on the sidelines while the evil little fuck smashes the shit out of his new ball or whatever. If your God, you're omnicient. "Prove it" does not factor into the decision making process. If you need to prove something to a subordinate who, by all biblical accounts, you created, there's something just a little fucked up about that rationale.

Friday, June 26, 2009

thought of the day 2009 06 27 - Michael Jackson and Coldplay

Okay, so a couple of days ago, I make a comment about Thriller in a tought of the day post and then today Michael Jackson dies. Hmmm.

Here's to hoping: Coldplay, Coldplay, Coldplay, Coldplay!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

thought of the day 2009 07 02 - They do say the darndest things

I love the show Cops. Let me be more specific, I can't watch the whole thing. Half an hour is too much boredome and male overcompensation for me. But I love watching clips of the show Cops. Because I love the things that I say when I'm drunk. When I'm drunk I say shit that totally makes sense at the time but afterwards it's total fucking gibberish. That why I think physicists like to drink. Shit just makes more sense when you're drunk. It's like the entire universe opens to my mind.

Which leads me back to Cops because I love the things that crackheads say on the show. I think they should get rid of reality television. For the most part it's fucking lame. But the one thing they should create is a show where all you do is get a bunch of guys with steadycams to follow around a bunch of different crackheads and record what they say and do. It would be like 9000 times better than all that America's Funniest Home Videos crap. You just walk around and 24x7 record what Mikey the crackhead says.

"...and I would make it green with white trim but I like regular coffee with a tongue tastes like magenta."

It would be fucking awesome

thought of the day 2009 07 01 - I just saw him yesterday

Got a call last Saturday that a friend of mine was in the hospital. Broke his leg, but I was talking to another mutual friend and she goes "oh wow, I just saw him yesterday!"

That has got to be the stupidest fucking thing you can say. Does it matter that you saw him yesterday? Would that have stopped him from losing control on his dirt bike?

Gee Erica, I don't think the fact that you saw him Friday would have helped him If that's the case, I think you might want to consider a new profession as a god of some sort. Or at least some form of minor deity. If the act of coincidentally passing you at a Starbucks is enough to prevent broken limbs you are totally in the wrong line of work. The only possible way I can see that having any effect on his future is if he was so horrified by the mere random chance of meeting you that he decided to be a shut in and never leave the apartment. In which case, I suggest a job as prison guard.

Dumbest fucking thing possible to say when someone is in the hospital

thought of the day 2009 06 30 - The Bible is for dumb people

I went to a school where we had mandatory chapel services. And for the most part that was fine. It gave me the opportunity to read the bible. And I have to say, I'm not impressed. If these are supposed to be the words given to humanity by a divine creator, we have way low standards. I mean for one thing God doesn't know how to tell time. People live for 900 years but God can create the world in 6 days? That just can't be right. If we figure that the human lifespan under good conditions is roughly 100 years, then attach that math to the whole global creation thing it's not 6 days it's more like a few hours. Like breakfast then you get an hour for lunch and finish up in the afternoon.

Except that God didn't take lunch, He got a whole day of rest. What the fuck is with that? God needs a nap? That's got to be bullshit. I mean look, I would agree that making a whole creation the size of the universe would be rather exhausting, but if you're an omnipotent being, you don't get a break. Plus, God got Sunday off right? so why are all the Christians praying to him on Sunday? It's his day off, he's not going to be listening to you. He'll be like me on the weekend. Phone starts to ring, I look at the caller ID and if it's work, it's going to voicemail. You pray to God on Sunday for damn sure it's gong to voicemail.

But then the other Abrahamic religions are slightly different. Jew's give him Saturday off and in Islam, Friday is supposed to be sacred, so that's a three day weekend, every fucking weekend. Plus you know he gets holidays. I mean Christmas, Easter, probably Good Friday. I don't think he gets Martin Luther King Day but still, He's got a regular four day work week and sometimes less. What kind of creator deity do you want working for you only half the week?

Until the faiths can resolve these problems I stand firm in my belief that the Bible was written for morons who can't read a clock or a calendar

thought of the day 2009 06 29 - Santa

Meth addicts I can understand. You constantly look emaciated and you have to keep breaking into peoples homes to steal shit so you can get your next fix. But Santa, the entire concept of Santa creeps me out. It's a really fat guy who breaks into your house to leave stuff behind. He's like the exact opposite of a tweaker. But then he's got to be on something to make it around the entire world in one night. I bet the rest of the year he's in detox or rehab and once he's recovered, they let him go about his shit, next thing you know, he's breaking and entering again. Repeat offender, it's a sad story really.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

thought of the day 2009 06 28 - euphamisms...wait that's not the'll come to'll come to me

If you've been smoking a joint AND drinking Crown Royal, is it more appropriate to be called 'stunk' or 'droned'?

Friday, June 19, 2009

thought of the day 2009 06 26 - maturity

If dating older people can be seen as a sign of maturity then I should probably be dating an 18 year old.

oh, I should point out here that I did keep it legal. I was going to go for five year old but I'm not some weird fucking Twilight vampire/pedophile or a Catholic Priest so I don't do the kids.

thought of the day 2009 06 25 - 23 hr. fitness

I don't go to gyms. Granted, I'm not in very good shape but my excuse is scheduling. The only times I have to work out are weird hours of the early morning and only place open, 24 Hour Fitness, I refuse to go to.

I'd prefer a 23 hr. fitness. I'd like to know there's at least one hour during the day in which the whole place can be shut down so that an illegal Mexican worker can actually clean things properly. Not that I suspect germs but sweaty stationary bicycle seats are rather not fun

Thursday, June 18, 2009

thought of the day 2009 06 24 - thumb tags

Let's say you're a policeman and you find someones severed arm. I know they have toe tags for dead people but what do you do at a morgue if you only have an arm? Do they have thumb tags? or if you just find someones head? Ear tag?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

thought of the day 2009 06 23 - zombies

Are there gay zombies? I only ask because I have to say, from all the zombie movies I've seen, zombies are pretty much the most tolerant of the undead. You don't see any gay vampires. They're all pretty much hetero. And I suppose you can't tell underneath all the fur but I don't recall seeing very many Asian or Black werewolves. Ghosts...I mean that's just obvious, all the white sheets, ghosts are basically the KKK of the netherworld. But zombies, hell they'll take anybody. They're like the democratic party of the undead. We don't give a shit who you are. Illegal immigrants, Asians, whites, blacks, in between, hell I've seen Thriller. Zombies don't care, as long as you're undead and you like to eat brains. But then maybe the undead gay zombies like to eat brains...and cock.

thought of the day 2009 06 22 - alert levels

I want to be the guy in the White House who's job it is to set the terror alert level colors. I want to be the guy who gets to decide on any given day what color it is. I think it's kind of like being a weatherman but way more fun. It's all basically bullshit anyway and nobody ever believes you because most of the time it's just fake and a monkey throwing darts would have a better chance of accurately predicting the future. If I had that job, that's what I would do, I'd have a monkey to throw darts at a chart on the wall to decide what the terror alert level is on any given day. Plus I'd make up my own colors. I'd start introducing new colors like beige and magenta, I'd throw purple in there just to confuse people. I'd be great. I'd have the rainbow fucking coalition as mascots. One week it would be all different shades of brown then on Sat. just to make it interesting I'd throw in turquoise just to see what the TSA people do.

Monday, June 15, 2009

thought of the day 2009 06 21 - babies

I have no memory of it but I have to surmise that I didn't like being in the womb. I imagine it's something like my apartment this morning. Ridiculously hot. cramped and humid. I figure about six or seven months in, I'll get frustrated and start punching and kicking and generally acting aggressively. The only difference is that at least in six months my apartment will be a little bit cooler.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

thought of the day 2009 06 20 - rites of passage

I was watching Indiana Jones this weekend. Temple of Doom, not the new one where Indy get's fucking raped harder than the Star Wars saga in Phantom, I'm an angry fucking nerd. Okay that's beside the point. So I'm watching Indiana Jones and I realize that a lot of these older, ancient cultures have these rites of passage. Like tests for manhood and shit. Aborigines in Australia have to go on walkabout and shit like that. But we don't really have many rites of passage today. I mean you have stuff like graduating from high school but that's not really a rite of passage. I mean I see the qualify of a high school education now, the lot of them are nimrods. That's not a rite of passage, that's the passage of time, all you accomplished was aging, you didn't fucking learn anything, you're teachers just passed you because they don't want to have to put up with your retarded ass again next year. That diploma doesn't prove you learned anything, it's a certificate congratulating you on not dying and potentially causing a huge lawsuit for the school.

What we need is a new rite of passage for modern times. Something that will test your manhood and challenge you physically and mentally. To make sure you're ready for the world. And I think I might do this with my own kid. figure when he's like 12 or so. Just to see, you know? Like, I want my kid to be able to handle his own shit out there in the world. So what I figure is this, one day, when I think he's old enough I sit him down and say, "son, you're old enough now, I want to give you a piece of advice that I wish my father had given me. If a stranger offers you candy, you get in that car with him. Hop in, go with him" And I figure if I see him again, he's now a man, if not, well, mother nature is a cruel, cruel teacher.

thought of the day 2009 06 19 - Heimlich

I like history, all kinds of history, military history, political history, even medical history. And I'm curious now about the history of the Heimlich maneuver. It raises some serious questions. Why a 'maneuver'? I mean I would consider it more of a technique than a maneuver. It's not like you're repositioning an aircraft carrier group. You're whopping someone in the sternum, that's not a maneuver, that's a technique. When a vascular surgeon repairs a patient damaged during a triple bypass, that's not a bypass 'maneuver'. This whole thing is incorrectly named.

But beyond that, how the hell was this developed? At some point it must have been developed and practiced right? Did some twisted German guy line up a bunch of people and get them to choke on stuff to see what would work? I'm sure it wasn't just some guy who magically thought this shit up. It wasn't some bolt of inspiration, there must have been some development involved with this. And testingg too. Not like the AMA would approve a fuck damn thing without multiple double blind studies. I can see it now. Some twisted fucking German doctor lining people up like Jews in a camp.

"tried punching patient 1 in the stomach today, that didn't work. Attempted to kick patient 2 in the chest, did not dislodge the piece of steak. stood behind patient 3 and acted in a manner which looks like I molested her, success."

and how well does that work if the patient has ridiculously large breast implants? I'm sure Heimlich didn't have to worry much about this during his day, but it's important now I would imagine. Especially in Los Angeles and Las Vegas. You'd have to make sure you didn't pop one. I wonder if someone did the technique incorrectly and accidentally popped one. I guess in that case you would have to maneuver around the fake boobs, so I guess that could validate the name.

thought of the day 2009 06 18 - divorce

I think that if people got married in a church, they should be made to get divorced in a church. Enough with the lawyers already; if you made a set of vows in front of a pastor or priest or rabbi or wiccan representative of the moon goddess, you should be forced to make a set of inverse vows in front of the same.

You get rid of the whole "love, honor, obey" thing and instead it's basically, "do you vow to hate, disavow and badmouth this person to all your friends as long as you both shall lie?"

"I do."

"great, now take the ring off her finger and hand if over to that pawn shop broker who will then give you about 40% of what it's worth but that's fine because you won't have any money anyway since you'll be paying child support for the next 15 years plus alimony. And with that I pronounce you the creepy mid-life crisis guy who hits on 20 year olds and embittered cougar who slept with the pool boy. Amen."

Thursday, June 11, 2009

thought of the day 2009 06 17 - Obama and Republicans

I think I understand the mentality of Republicans and Obama now. It's kind of like when the guy you hate is dating a really hot girl. You have to hate her just because you hate him but really you'd like to sleep with her. Only it's never going to happen. I mean, she's fucking dating fucking Dan. You hate Dan, if she likes Dan there's obviously something wrong with her. Maybe not wrong enough to decline a bj in the back of a car, but still there's something wrong.

I mean in an ideal world Dan would be completely out of the picture but you live in reality and you're never going to hit that no matter how much you want to. Like Obama can give a bunch of money to rich people and spend a shitload of money bailing out private companies but he's still a Democrat.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

thought of the day 2009 06 16 - suicide bombers

You know what I bet they don't have in Palestine? suicide hotlines. I mean here in the states, some depressed little fucking emo kid calls up whining and people volunteer or are paid to stop them from jumping, I don't think they have that in Palestine. I think in Palestine the suicide hotlines conversations go entirely differently.

Really? you want to kill, did you have a plan for that, because if not, I've got some suggestions. And there's this payoff you get in the afterlife....

thought of the day 2009 06 15 - haulin'

If you see me haulin' ass down the freeway one day, it's probably because I have to haul a lot of ass and I don't want it to spoil, so cops, in the future, please be forewarned that you will be held financially responsible if I don't deliver this load of ass that's hauling ass down the freeway.

okay, look I'm trying to do one of these each day, they're not all going to be gems. You're right, I still need to work on that one.

thought of the day 2009 06 14 - man rule 1

As a rule in the apartment of any single, heterosexual male, the toilet seat, much like your airline seatback and service trace should remain in the full upright position.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

thought of the day 2009 06 13 - dogs

If you're a dog that's pet to a good family, you're probably in a pretty good situation. Place to crash, food's there, perhaps a nice yard to run around in and regular visits of people to bark at. Perhaps the family even has kids so you're not the stupidest living organism on the property.

There's one big thing though, you're likely fixed. That is, spayed or neutered. And that in it's own right is disturbing but worse so when you live with a couple or with a family in the early stages of expansion. If you live with a couple it means you've had someone cut your nuts out but I gauran-fucking-tee you the couple are humping like a pair of mad bunnies. How is that fair?

Monday, June 08, 2009

thought of the day 2009 06 12 - a moral/ethical question

This isn't so much a thought, as it is a trully deep moral and ethical question. Being that I recently bought plane tickets that left with a number of options for connecting much would it be worth for you NOT to have to spend time in Utah? I mean a three hour delay in Salt Lake City? They should have to pay me right?

Sunday, June 07, 2009

thought of the day 2009 06 11 - Superman

As I go through some old files trying to clean out stuff, I came across a Superman DVD and decided to watch it. I was into comic books as a kid. Not necessarily a big fan of Superman, I was more into Marvel comics with Spiderman and X-Men, but even those, you look at how much destruction happens to the city each month and you just have to wonder how and why they can afford to keep rebuilding like that. I mean if there's a good chance that on a monthly basis an office building, or a warehouse district or a mall is going to get destroyed, you'd better believe the fucking insurance and property taxes are outrageous. Even for a place like Metropolis or Gotham City, you go tear assing around those streets every couple of weeks and you've basically got to devote a whole work crew full time just to fixing up the street damage, not to mention 24x7 standby for public utilities. That just doesn't seem practicable.

And why in the hell would people stay in the city? I mean, if I knew there was a crazy guy with super stregth and an army of deadly robots who could come strolling through my neighborhood on a monthly basis, I'm not sticking around. The first time some 50-ft. tall killer insects come by and eat my neighbors dog, I'd be like, "fuck this. I'm getting out of here. Heading someplace out in the middle of nowhere. I'm going to Utah". Well okay, not Utah, I mean, army of firebreathing hellhounds vs. Utah, I'll stick it out in the city, but you get the idea.

Saturday, June 06, 2009

thought of the day 2009 06 10 - shoulder

I tweaked my shoulder again a couple of days ago so I've been taking these painkillers off and on, usually at night so I can sleep easier. Now just for kicks I was going to have a drink and wanted to make sure it wasn't going to react. So according to the bottle, the side effects of these pills include: muscle aches and nausea and headaches.

These are painkillers, two of the side effects of taking painkillers are pain? This does not seem right to me. I could have spent my money on Crown Royal and I know the side effects of that only include headaches the day after.

thought of the day 2009 06 09 - NAACP

I think the NAACP should let anglo people in. I've seen you guys here in the sun in Hawaii and I've got the before and after picutres. Bright pink makes you quite possibily gay, but you're definitely 'colored people'

Thursday, June 04, 2009

thought of the day 2009 06 08 - stroke

So according to the American Heart Association, the following are symptoms:
- sudden confusion, trouble speaking, trouble understanding
- numbeness or weakness,
- trouble seeing in one or both eyes
- dizziness, loss of balance or coordination, trouble walking
- severe headaches.

Aside from the numbness or weakness, according to this I have a stroke just about ever day I'm at work.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

thought of the day 2009 06 07 - pleading

I used to like law. I still hold some interest in Intellectual Property law but still when it comes to courts, I plead the fifth...of Jack Daniels will be enough to keeep my busy long enough to stay out of trouble

thought of the day 2009 06 06 - philosophy

In the aftermath of growing frustration at work over what is promised to customers compared to what we can actually deliver, I have adpoted the following philosophy:

Considering that I'm the one who's probably going to have to do the work for this, when I tell you 'no' and he tells you 'yes', you can hear it from the horses mouth or you can hear it from the horses ass, only one end is going to be correct.

thought of the day 2009 06 05 - high school

high school drop out, high school musical. I'm sorry but is there a fucking difference? Both groups are full of a bunch of idiots who are only employable in California and most of whhich are going to end up on Craigslist trolling for hookups.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

thought of the day 2009 06 04 - lost pt. 2

Since I'm throughly confused at work, I've decided that tonight, I'm going to come home and watch a bunch of episodes of Lost so that something in my day makes more sense than my job.

thought of the day 2009 06 03 - better than sliced bread. pt 2

A week or two ago, I was thinking about how sliced bread really isn't all that spectacular. Again today, I heard the phrase, 'better than sliced bread' used and again< i have to say there's things way better.

Beer for example. Beer is way better than sliced bread. Beer is like liquid bread. You don't even need a knife. You don't have a slice a fucking thing. Just drink it. Beer is awesome. Beer is even a better invention than toilet paper. To paraphrase Dave Barry, it goes much better with pizza.