Sunday, May 21, 2017


Took my kid to see Alien Covenant last night. Why pick such a dark movie you ask? Donald Trump is President, nothing matters anymore because fiction couldn't be as bad as reality. But some questions arise: they're on a colony ship, so why he hell do they need high powered rifles with laser sights? No wonder they still needed the space marines from Aliens 2, they armed the colonists like they were going to be invading Mosul. And if you're going to have guns on a spaceship shouldn't you invest in some bulletproof glass? For "the Company" to run colonization missions to far flung planets like this, in such a disorganized manner, I bet this Wayland guy who founded the company was Trump's grandchild.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017


WaPo is quoting the Majority Leader as saying “There’s two people I think Putin pays: [California Republican Dana] Rohrabacher and Trump,” and McCarthy has since said that it was a joke. Not that I've really done it professionally, but I don't get the joke. Honest question: what's the joke? I mean that literally, if that was the punchline, what was the joke? Or if that was the joke, what's the punchline? I really don't get it. Jokes are supposed to be funny. What's the funny? I'm not expecting like a ba-dum-bum-cha ! at the end but if this was a joke, someone needs to explain it to me. "why did the chicken cross the road? to get to the other side." I get that. It's a joke. Not a great one, but it's a joke. A YouTube channel with only Lou Reed videos called LouTube, that's a joke. Alec Baldwin at the small desk in the fake Oval Office, that's a joke. This isn't a joke. At best, it's a rare moment of honest from someone who has since misplaced his fucking backbone. I've been trying for an hour now to imagine how the joke would go and quite frankly there's no "so what's the deal with Russia paying our politicians..." that ends with "ha ha ha" from anybody except for Putin. So someone help me out here, explain the joke.


Okay, I know typing on my phone sucks but there's a big ducking difference between Cold Stone Creamery and Cold Stone Crematorium. For one thing only one of those can be found in Syria.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017


It's not that I have a very long commute, but I get a lot of my news from podcasts and you know what, they're right. Watching porn in only my underwear while sipping bourbon; everything I can do at the post office I can do at home with

Tuesday, May 09, 2017


Turkey bacon is almost as big of a fraud as Donald Trump. Almost.


What Trump says: “Everybody gets a pony.”

What I hear: “Please welcome the four horsemen of the apocalypse”


Let’s say that at the end of your life you did so much good, racked up so much good Karma that at the end of this life you would reach Nirvana. And then on your deathbed a higher power visits you to tell you that you will reach Nirvana. You smile, you flip everybody off and exclaim “ha ha bitches, I win!” and then you die. Do you still get to go to Nirvana or do you get reincarnated as like a banana slug or Eric Trump.

Saturday, May 06, 2017

America Fuck Yeah!

Turns out America proved Marx wrong yet again. It's Oxycontin, not religion, that's the opiate of the masses.