Sunday, January 29, 2012


I found myself in a Toys R Us with the kid this afternoon and on a whim found myself looking for the board game Monopoly. They had a Cars version of Monopoly, a couple of other 'custom' versions of monopoly, even a Monopoly card game but they didn't have regular Monopoly. The had what I thought was Monopoly until I tried to read the box. I could find a goddamn Monopoly en Espanol, but no Monopoly. I kind of wonder if they even make it anymore. Makes me realize how old I am.

Thursday, January 26, 2012


Facebook has like 10 different relationship statuses, from "widowed" and "single" to "civil union", and "domestic partnership" and even the vague "it's complicated". Didn't this site start with college kids finding people to have sex with, why is there no status like "hooking up with" or "occasionally banging" or "randomly fucking" or even a simple "none of your fucking business"? If you're going to lay out that many options I'd think you'd go for the full list.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Show your work

So 2.0 calls me up and he's telling me about school and complaining about how his math teacher makes him do the problems the long way and show his work. I say "okay, give me an example" and he shoots out 18 x 12. And I go "okay, so what is 18 x 12?" and he comes back after about a minute with 192. It's not, it's 216, did that shit in my head.....And that's why we make you show your work kids. That's why we make you show your work.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Cell Phones

It seems somehow unfair that any cell phone you by can be set to vibrate, but you can't get a vibrator that takes calls. You can get a g-spot vibrator, but it doesn't get 4G download speeds.

Friday, January 20, 2012

The Future

As I look around at the Internet today, I'm a bit disturbed.

I kind of hope that children aren't our future.
I'd like to teach them poorly and let them wash my car.
Show them that not everything has to go on Facebook.
Give them some sense of shame or at least an easygoing humility
Let the children's Twitter remind us that some people shouldn't be allowed on a computer.

I want to keep massacring lyrics here, something about people searching for naked pictures and meeting on Craigslist, but I honestly don't remember the lyrics to that Whitney Houston song and I'm too lazy to Google them. Yep, that's right, I'm too fucking lazy for Google. That's how much i give a shit. I'd spend more time typing out how lazy I am than it would take for me to actually do the fucking search in the first place.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

False Advertising

Every time I go into a Panda Express I ask, but I'm always refused service. It's getting to the point where I kind of want to threaten a lawsuit. Look you cannot call yourself Panda Express if you don't have any roasted panda available right goddamn now. This isn't "mushroom chicken express" or "mongolian beef express". Bastards.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

On the days after Christmas

I have 4 bottles of wine, 3 jars of marinated peppers, 2 week old carrots, 1 bottle of beer and 0 fruits in my fridge. It's like a depressing version of the 12 days of Christmas song....

Saturday, January 07, 2012


My friend Jim just got a new Audi. Like an A6 or something, very nice car and he's super enthusiastic about it. But he also got engaged a couple of months ago, not so much enthusiasm. You can get super pumped about a car you'll have for maybe 5-10 years, but the person you're presumably going to be with the rest of your life you're like "eh, she's good."

Then again, knowing Jim, it might be the other way around. In ten years Maggie's been replaced with someone else and the car ends up getting passed down to his grandkids and it'll come along with a whole thing about how "The GPS is here and it comes with satellite radio!"

Thursday, January 05, 2012


I've had this stupid thing in my head for like a week now ever since i watched sherlock holmes on my vacation. But every time I hear the word law, I keep thinking Jude Law. Like dropping out of Jude Law school or getting questioned by a Jude Law Enforcement officer. You should try it next time you have to talk to a divorce Jude Lawyer.

Also works well wiith Kevin Bacon and eggs, neuter your Dog the Bounty Hunters, etc.

Wednesday, January 04, 2012


I want a relationship that's like my credit card; I want to earn points for every dollar I spend. Or for every hour I have to listen to venting about how much you distrust the people you work with I can earn points redeemable for airfare....I bet you were thinking I'd say redeem the points for oral sex, but no, keep it clean dammit. Plus, with my track record, I'd rather have the miles.

And it's not a commitment phobia or any of that Dr. Phil bullshit. I'm not just trying to scam my way through a relationship. Again I go to my track record on commitment. I made a two year commitment to AT&T for mobile service and look how fucking well that turned out. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.


The shitty part about living alone is that unless you’re well off you’re on your own for all the household chores. You do your own cooking, dishes and laundry. On the other hand, that also makes me Iron Man, or it would, if I bothered to iron anything...So really I’m more like Lefftovers Man and my sidekick Dryer Sheets.