Sunday, May 31, 2015

Planning for the future

Some of the most successful people I know and know of had to survive significant adversity and learn how to overcome it and even thrive in it. Even fictional characters like Batman had to endure great hardship to grow to greatness. So if we want a future full of more successful people who can make the world a better place for all, we should be verbally, physically and emotionally abusing children. Not just our own children, but all children. And more importantly if we want a future free of crime, start murdering the asshole parents of rich kids and we’ll end up with an army of vigilantes who will protect the public in the night.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Peer Pressure

We tell our kids not to succumb to peer pressure when it comes to drugs and alcohol. Why the fuck is it okay to succumb to peer pressure when it comes to karaoke? You’re still giving in to peer pressure and instead of just getting a nice buzz on with a joint I have to listen to your tone deafness make my ears bleed? You’re telling me that the munchies is worse than permanent hearing loss? Screw that. Kids: don’t give in to peer pressure. If someone asks you to sing karaoke, just say no.

Saturday, May 23, 2015


I think it’s a little unfair how people in relationships get to tell stories about how they met but single people don’t really get to tell stories about how they’re single. Like the story of how you were dating someone until you realized that she had some kind of multiple personality disorder and all of those personalities were crazy. Or the story of how you decided that instead of going to the bar or to the club, you took a nap. And oh, how glorious of a nap it was. Or the story of how your husband gave you herpes five years after you got married. Actually I get the feeling that last story you might get to tell. At the very least to a family court judge and to your friends over a large pitcher of sangria after the papers are signed.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Why I'm better than the Avengers

It occurs to me, upon reflection, that I’m better than all of the Avengers. Well for example, Iron Man / Tony Stark, while I may not be a billionaire, I also don’t need to create some fancy voice recognition, British cousin to Siri, AI system because I know how to rock the command line. Also, I can scratch my nose. Imagine Iron Man during hay-fever season, sneezing all over the inside of that helmet. Good luck cleaning that. As for Thor, my hammer is better, it can pull bent nails. You might be able to rule all of Asgard, but I can fix a goddamn fence. With regards to Nick Fury, I’m also blind in one eye but I don’t walk around with a pretentious eye patch looking like John Carpenter wants me to Escape From New York. Though to be fair, I’m not really sure what I expected of a character created as a white WWII soldier once played by David Hasselhoff. And while we’re on the subject of wardrobe, unlike the Hulk, my clothing budget doesn’t quadruple every time I get angry. I’ve noticed that women’s shirts in particular tend to be more elastic, and just from a “consider the aftermath” perspective, he might want to consider wearing much baggier clothing and perhaps more stretchy blouses. Which I suppose is a segue into why I’m better than Black Widow. I could argue that I have bigger boobs but I honestly think that reflects worse on me, so…I got nothing. But I am better than Hawkeye because I’m smart enough to realize that when you’re surrounded by guns and energy beams and flying suits of armor, picking a bow and arrow doesn’t make you cool. It makes you the hipster of superheroes. I’m pretty sure that under that costume is a flannel shirt and some vinyl records. And the only character of the bunch that should be listening to vinyl is Captain America, and only because he’s old and I question is his understanding of how to use an iPhone. And, no I don’t think he could learn either. Captain America may be pretty handy with a shield but I’m smart enough not to let the government shoot me up with unknown serums. That’s not how you get super powers, that’s how you get Hep C. Just saying. So yes, in fact, I’m better than all of these fictional characters. Except for the Russian. Go figure.

Friday, May 15, 2015


Where I live, a gallon of gas is about $3 and a gallon of milk is about %6 which means that a molotov cocktail is less expensive than a balanced breakfast. Thing is, oil is basically just organic matter that's millions of years old, compressed into goop then pumped up from deep within the earth and then refined. Whereas milk is processed grass from living cows. And I thought that antiques were supposed to be valuable.

Sunday, May 03, 2015

The impulse buys

Do you think that if you're rich enough to buy your own island, you still have to carry around a wallet with cash? And if not, how do you make the little incidental purchases, like a cup of coffee or a pack of gum? Or do you just hire someone to walk around with you carrying a wallet and some cash, like "de plane!" guy from Fantasy Island?

Saturday, May 02, 2015


No, if Captains Morgan and Kangaroo met, that would be a party. This is just an inconvenience.

Waking Up

Sometimes I wake up at weird hours and think"how strange would it be if I was water soluble". And maybe only half the time it's because it's 3 AM and I don't yet have command of language.