Sunday, November 28, 2010

Internet Pictures

The Internet is the reason I miss real photo film. Before cameras were digital, people had to pay for each picture and they rationed their photo taking appropriately. Now you get fucking pictures of whatever food your eating on Twitter and Facebook. Those are pictures that could be far better devoted to porn, but no, you have to go and waste my fucking attention with your bowl of beef stew. Look douche, I don't fucking care what it looks like when it comes out and I want even less to see what it looks like before it goes in. Knock it the fuck off


Being good at Wii does not make you good at sports. I'm pretty sure I can get my ass handed to me by a nine year old in Wii boxing, but in real boxing, put me up against a nine year old and I could take him.

Monday, November 22, 2010

The Ongoing List of Things I Don't Do, Because I'm not a 12 Year Old Girl

1. Text. It's a fucking phone. You make calls.
2. Enjoy, in any way shape or form, the Twilight movies. Fucking undead pedophiles I can, quite frankly, do without.
3. Go on Facebook every day. If I was really that interested in your life, we'd have drinks more often.
4. Use a pencil. I write in pen; it's permanent and it trains you to make less mistakes.
5. Write in pens with multiple colors, or glitter ink or any of that shit. There are exactly four types of pens. Black ink, blue ink, red ink for correcting your mistakes and Sharpie for drawing on your face.
6. Dance by myself. No straight male over the age of seven ever thinks to himself, "you know, I think I just need to dance it out." You can do that shit when you're a kid, but when hit double digits you MUST either hit something, smoke something, drink something or swear to exorcise your frustrations.
7. Know how to order properly at a Starbucks. It's not coffee if you can't order it as "coffee". When you have to start adding ficticous adjectives to a drink, it had better come 90 proof.
8. Drink diet Coke. Or for that matter, diet soda of any kind. Because the only people who drink diet soda are fat people and 12 year old girls with eating disorders
9. Believe in movie/fairy tale romance. I'm lazy. If I have to run through a forest, quest for a magic scroll or kill a dragon to find someone, I'm fine being single. And more to the point, that's why God created strippers. Look I get it, romantic love is a wonderful thing, but people are still people and once in a while you just need a little strange. Tiger Woods, I rest my case.

The Perfect Job

I no longer think that medical test subject is the perfect job for rapists, child molesters and other sexual predators, their new perfect job is TSA screening agent. Preferably in the midwest. Having to handle that many nut sacs hidden behind that many layers of fat should be punishment enough.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Alphabetically Prejudiced

Is there a term for being prejudiced against certain types of letters, because I find it bad form that Wheel of Fortune makes you risk going bankrupt for a consonant, but they just let you buy a vowel like it's some street hooker.

Monday, November 08, 2010

The most productive thought in my head all day

Sadly, the most productive thought in my head all day was an imaginary conversation between the former head of the UN, Kofi Annan and a cashier at Starbucks; and yes, as side note, I do know they're called baristas, that's a bullshit term, you pour coffee and take money, you're a fucking cashier, one with health benefits, but still a cashier. So this imaginary conversation,,

Annan: "large coffee please."

Cashier: "we don't actually have 'large', do you mean venti?"

Annan: "Is there one that's bigger than the rest of them? That's large, give me that or I will rape you like a goat."

Cashier: "Very well sir, and your name?"

Annan: "Kofi"

Cashier: "Yes sir, I get it, big coffee, and your name?"

Annan: "I just told you. Kofi."

Cashier: "Please sir, you don't need to be rude. We're making a fresh pot now, I just need your name so that when it's ready we can call you."

Annan: "Kofi goddamit. Kofi."

Cashier: "Sir, please calm down."

Annan: "Fuck it. I'd like a venti, black chai latte."

Cashier: "Of course sir. We can do that. It'll take just a minute, what's your name so we can call it when your drink is ready?"

Annan: "Kofi."

Cashier: "I'm confused sir, I thought you just said you wanted to change your order to chai? Did you want the chai, or the coffee, or both?"

Annan: "Look you little bastard, my name is Kofi Anan, former Secretary General of the UN. And in my country of Ghana I was a diplomat, but in the time it has taken you to fuck up my name, the fresh pot of coffee has finished. So if you don't pour me a hot beverage of some kid, any kind, I will hop over this counter and boil your junk in a gallon of that barely caffeinated sewage you call a 'medium roast'.