The Ongoing List of Things I Don't Do, Because I'm not a 12 Year Old Girl
1. Text. It's a fucking phone. You make calls.
2. Enjoy, in any way shape or form, the Twilight movies. Fucking undead pedophiles I can, quite frankly, do without.
3. Go on Facebook every day. If I was really that interested in your life, we'd have drinks more often.
4. Use a pencil. I write in pen; it's permanent and it trains you to make less mistakes.
5. Write in pens with multiple colors, or glitter ink or any of that shit. There are exactly four types of pens. Black ink, blue ink, red ink for correcting your mistakes and Sharpie for drawing on your face.
6. Dance by myself. No straight male over the age of seven ever thinks to himself, "you know, I think I just need to dance it out." You can do that shit when you're a kid, but when hit double digits you MUST either hit something, smoke something, drink something or swear to exorcise your frustrations.
7. Know how to order properly at a Starbucks. It's not coffee if you can't order it as "coffee". When you have to start adding ficticous adjectives to a drink, it had better come 90 proof.
8. Drink diet Coke. Or for that matter, diet soda of any kind. Because the only people who drink diet soda are fat people and 12 year old girls with eating disorders
9. Believe in movie/fairy tale romance. I'm lazy. If I have to run through a forest, quest for a magic scroll or kill a dragon to find someone, I'm fine being single. And more to the point, that's why God created strippers. Look I get it, romantic love is a wonderful thing, but people are still people and once in a while you just need a little strange. Tiger Woods, I rest my case.
2. Enjoy, in any way shape or form, the Twilight movies. Fucking undead pedophiles I can, quite frankly, do without.
3. Go on Facebook every day. If I was really that interested in your life, we'd have drinks more often.
4. Use a pencil. I write in pen; it's permanent and it trains you to make less mistakes.
5. Write in pens with multiple colors, or glitter ink or any of that shit. There are exactly four types of pens. Black ink, blue ink, red ink for correcting your mistakes and Sharpie for drawing on your face.
6. Dance by myself. No straight male over the age of seven ever thinks to himself, "you know, I think I just need to dance it out." You can do that shit when you're a kid, but when hit double digits you MUST either hit something, smoke something, drink something or swear to exorcise your frustrations.
7. Know how to order properly at a Starbucks. It's not coffee if you can't order it as "coffee". When you have to start adding ficticous adjectives to a drink, it had better come 90 proof.
8. Drink diet Coke. Or for that matter, diet soda of any kind. Because the only people who drink diet soda are fat people and 12 year old girls with eating disorders
9. Believe in movie/fairy tale romance. I'm lazy. If I have to run through a forest, quest for a magic scroll or kill a dragon to find someone, I'm fine being single. And more to the point, that's why God created strippers. Look I get it, romantic love is a wonderful thing, but people are still people and once in a while you just need a little strange. Tiger Woods, I rest my case.
posted by rpalmeira at 5:12 PM
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