Sunday, November 29, 2015

Weighing the Pros and Cons

On my way home last night there was a guy, maybe 17 or 18 having a conversation near me, or near enough to be heard, which may have been more about his volume than proximity, and what’s going on there? I mean it’s like your incapable of speaking at a reasonable level, I have headphones on and I can still hear you over what I’m listening to. Or maybe your friend is partially deaf from listening to you so you have to speak like a Wookie going into battle, but I digress. So I hear him give the cliché “I wouldn’t suck a dick for a million dollars.” And okay, I get it, but a million dollars? Are you saying you wouldn’t even consider it? You’re riding a public bus and don’t appear to have any major physical disabilities, possibly some mental ones but that doesn’t stop a good portion of the driving public. Are you really in a position to turn down a million dollars? What if I would at least consider it? Does that make me gay or just greedy, and which would be worse under your value system? Or are you saying that you’ve already considered it? Put some time into weighing the pros and cons? Which begs the question, how much time have you put into thinking about this? I’ve spent maybe a minute or two on this and still have to think through the possibility, but you came up with that answer pretty quickly which suggests you might have been pondering this for a while and that, in and of itself, might be a sign.

Saturday, November 21, 2015


If I want to imagine Thanksgiving prep as The Purge for turkeys and pumpkins that's my prerogative.

Friday, November 20, 2015


Let me get this straight, you’re angry at Starbucks because the red and green cups aren’t Christmassy enough but you’re okay with them charging $3 for $0.18 worth of beans and water, burnt so as to disguise the taste of actual coffee with the flavor of the devil’s own rectal mucus? Get your priorities in order Internet.

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Healthy Eating

I like salad with crutons which is basically vegetables and bread, but I grabbed a veggie sandwich by mistake today and that thing was fucking pointless.

Crime and Punishment

So I’m watching this action movie and a guy robs a bank. As the heist inevitably goes wrong and they have to take hostages they tell everyone to pull out their cell phones and start destroying them. Then at the end of the movie the bad guys get arrested and the hero walks away like everything is good. But they left the major issue unresolved. If I was in a bank robbery, even if I was the red shirt who got killed off first, I’d want some motherfucker to do some time for destroying my phone. Look, money is money, my deposits are federally insured. I’m just going about my day and some motherfucker destroys my phone. Do you know how much of a pain that is? How long I had to wait in line? I have to reinstall all those goddamn apps. I’d be at the sentencing hearing asking for the statutory maximum if someone destroyed my phone. Send that asshole to China to assemble 300 new ones for each one he destroyed. To hell with the bank robbery, I know the economy is tough and some people don’t have other skills but that doesn’t give you an excuse to destroy selfies I haven’t uploaded to the cloud yet.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015


With all the problems in the Middle East, has anybody ever thought that before fossil fuels we used to get lots of oil from whales? If we just collectively decided to farm whales like giant ocean chickens we could screw OPEC and solve significant violent conflict in one fell swoop.

Sunday, November 08, 2015

Sunday laziness

Has anybody tried putting shrimp on a pizza? If not, why not? 'cause this stuff is pretty good with fettuccine but it needs a better delivery mechanism that doesn't involve utensils, because I'm lazy.