Thursday, October 25, 2007

Picture of Healthy Living

I know I have bad health habits. But I'm going to strive to be the picture of healty living. Quit smoking and drinking, eat healthier, exercise. I've decided I'm going to be the before picture. Some other fucktard can be the after picture.

Business Cards

I don't have business cards at work. My excuse is that I wanted to put "I Break Stuff" as my title but it wasn't allowed so I didn't get cards. But I've decided I should probably get some business cards. I'm going to put my job title as "Part Time Ninja"

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Sales and Marketing

Am I the only person who thinks that S&M is probably the most descriptive term for sales and marketing people?

Made in China

Does anybody know if the stickers that say "made in China" are made in China? 'Cause I'd be willing to bet $50 that all the stickers that say "Made in the USA" are made in China.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Have you ever seen a ______ play __________?

I watched a really bad debate round today, which did have some good impact, it got me creative. For example, Have you ever seen two retarded amputees play baseball? That was like this debate. Or have you ever seen two quadrapalegics play foosball? That was this debate.

If you're reading this, I welcome your contributions. Post them in the comments.

White Brownies

If there's a dessert called the brownie, why isn't there a dessert called the whitey?

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Presidential Cards

So I lost my credit card the other day, dropped it on the way home I think from picking up a pizza for dinner. Doesn't matter, they're cancelling that one and sending me a new one but it did get me thinking about what kind of credit cards the President carries around. Like if he just say wanted a slice of pepperoni can he just whip out a gold visa? or does the secret service have to approve that?

You know what would be great, if the President goes to order a pizza and accidentally pulls out the wrong card and starts reading off nuclear launch codes instead of his credit card number. 6011....0002....oh shit way sorry, I just wanted a slice of new york style cheese, Not trying to make North Korea glow in the dark. he he he. That would be awesome.

And I bet he'd tip the delivery guy well too, but that whole thirty minute gaurantee goes right out the fucking window 'cause if I have to wait in line at the airport for an hour to board a flight to Newark, I can't fucking imagine how long you'd have to stand in line to get frisked to see the President. By the time he get's the pie, it's probably cold. Better to go with Digiorno I suppose. It is the rising crust pizza after all.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Hard Dicks vs. Breathing

So juding by the amount of spam I get, I would have to say that if half the people interested in keeping my dick hard were interesting in curing cancer I could smoke without fear of one day having to talk through a tube. Now far be it from me to tell everyone what their priorities should be but something seems very up fucked here if I have to spend tens of thousands on chemo after spending five bucks a pack on smokes but I can spend 50 cents on a little blue pill to keep me rockin' all night long. Hell I can't even buy a 50 Cent album for 50 cents and that's about what it's worth. And the most fucked up part about it is that if I have an Rx, I can get insurce to cover a pill that may or may not cause my heart to go into overdrive and kill me but if I'm a smoker it raises my fucking insurance premiums and co-payments. Now look, I'm not saying that a hard dick isn't a nice thing to have but priorities people priorities. It's not like you have a shot with Jessica Alba anyway, what are you going to do with a 48 hour erection? I mean besides spank it in the bathroom at work 192 times.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Party Half The Time

I'm probably dating myself here, but remember the Eddie Murphy / Rick James song 'Party all the time'? Now that Rick James is dead I think I'm only allowed to party half the time. Plus I'd be a lazy rock star anyway, so I think partying half the time is good enough for me.

Thursday, October 04, 2007


Is it just me or does having Dennis Haysbert (the guy who played David Palmer on 24, and yes, I had to Google it) seem like an odd choice as the face for All State Insurance? I mean don't get me wrong, you recognize him when you see him on TV or hear his voice and all that, but the last two big shows the guy has been in are 24 and The Unit. In the latter he's blowing shit up and shooting people and in the former there were people trying to kill him and nuke the fucking country while he was President. This does not sit well with me when purchasing insurance on my car. If I sign up for coverage and go to shake this guy's hand, I'm liable to have someone shoot at him, miss and hit me, or worse yet, hit my car and that deductible is fucking huge. I mean I'd trust him to take out an Iranian heavy water reactor but after seeing how close the world has come to ending when he's on screen, I'd have second thoughts. 'Cause quite frankly, I'm not Jack Bauer.