Wednesday, December 30, 2009

thought of the day 2009 12 31 - as we start the new year, I have a proposal

It's a New Year (well, it is tomorrow at least) and as such I'd like to propse that we make this the year that we let the gays get married. All the right wing bullshit about gay marriage is just stupid. And look, I'm opposed to marriage in general. In a normal year, I'd just say something about the fact that I want the gays to be just as miserable as every other married couple I know (except Dara and Ryan who keep fucking the healthy relationship curve for the rest of us), but given the state of the economy and the fact that gays tend to have very good taste and the appearance of disposable income, I think that Obama should just make this part of the overall economic recovery strategy. It doesn't cost the government anything in tax revenue and can you imagine how much money gay people would spend this first year on wedding ceremonies??? Fucking depression over. And then, added bonus a couple years later, they get divorced. This has two benefits. One, more people employed in law offices to process all that paperwork. And two, all the lawyers will be so busy, they won't be fucking bothering me anymore. This is the kind of new years change that will last for years.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

thought of the day 2009 12 30 - Christmas messages

I think the real problem I have with Christmas is the cheer. It's so disingenuous. Everybody is so happy. You never hear about the realistic stuff that happens. You never get the Christmas card from a family that says "well, Jill is still on meth and Dan got his third STD." It's like New Years resolution. They sound good on face value but its all bullshit. We should be more honest with our messages. "Well, here in North Dakota it's an empty blind mess of snow and its more frigid than my wife on the rag." I can appreciate that, if only for the honesty.

thought of the day 2009 12 29 - spreading around the wealth a little

Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years Eve + New Years day all hit so close to each other that I find it annoying. I think we need to spread this around a little. Like, lets move Christmas to sometime around August just to balance it out. And if we move Thanksgiving a week or two up that gives me a little recovery time before New Years which is probably good for my liver. I mean I'm sure my liver can use the exercise (much like the rest of me) but between those three holidays, the amount of wine, scotch and sake that gets consumed is probably taking a few years off of my ability to process alcohol in the first place. So yeah, I propose we move Christmas to like the begining of August.

thought of the day 2009 12 28 - mediocre sex

Signs you're having mediocre sex 1: dirty talk consists of someone screaming "oh it's so medium sized!" during sex.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

thought of the day 2009 12 27 - lesson of the day

Lesson of the day: It is far too easy to confuse the word "juice" and the word "Jews" in everyday sentences. For example when getting lunch, it is entirely possible to go from choosing a beverage to becoming a neo-Zionist. But to be clear, I do like juice.

Monday, December 21, 2009

thought of the day 2009 12 26 - Christmas movies

As Christmastime comes closer and I worry about what to do while I sit idly in the airport for hours and hours and hours, I've decided to come up with a list of the top Christmas movies ever....that I can think of off the top of my head right now.

1.It's a Wonderful Life. It's a classic. You've gotta appreciate the classics. Plus it gave us the phrase ”when a blah blah blah, an angel gets his wings.” Which then leads to all sorts of offshoots like “Every time you vote for Bush, a puppy dies.” Jimmy Stewart. You can't go wrong.

2.The Ref. The guy from Rescue Me in a semi-cheesy comedy with Kevin Spacey and a kid that looks
kinda like Luke Skywalker. It's a good movie. Blow me.

3.Miracle on 34'th St. Again a classic. Plus it was one of those movies when I was a kid that made me believe that being a lawyer wouldn't suck.

4.Love Actually. Not a classic but also not a bad film, something I could tolerate. Of the romantic comedies, it's actually decent and the plot lines make you pay attention.

5.Scrooged. Okay, this one is a classic. Bill Murray is awesome. And as far as retellings of A Christmas Carol go, this is by far the best ever put on film.

6.Christmas Vacation. So maybe I have a think for old school SNL people, but how can you not like Chevy Chase. I mean they named part of Maryland after him, so he's got to be awesome.

7.Home Alone. What the hell every happened to that kid?

8.Die Hard. BEST. CHRISTMAS. MOVIE. EVER. Oh, and as a bonus, imagine the sound effects going right as the plane is taking off.

thought of the day 2009 12 25 - Gift Cards

So I had to spend time in the mall over the weekend and now I realize why I hate gift cards so much. The idea of a gift card is fine. "I don't really know the best thing to get you, but I value you in my life...with $25 at the Gap."

But the actual giving of a gift card is pure evil. When you give someone a gift card, you're basically sending them on an errand. And more than that, you're typically sending them to the mall to run that errand. That bastion of crowds and consumerism, where you have to dodge little kids on trains and tourists while getting lost and trying to remember if you passed the Radio Shack or the Orange Julius when you were coming from the parking lot.

Gift cards are pure evil. Just don't do it.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

thought of the day 2009 12 24 - new phone

So I lost my phone today. I blame lack of sleep but whatever. So I went to the Sprint retail store to get a new phone, but then I found out that I'm out of contract with Sprint so I did the unthinkable. I got an iPhone. Now this goes against every ingrained notion I have. First off, I usually get the phone that comes free with the plan. To pay for a phone is goddamn absurd to me. Second, it's an iPhone. The thought of buying a piece of tech and not giving money to Bill Gates sees just wrong...and then to give it to Steve Jobs instead. That's just sacrilege. But I've accepted it under some conditions.

So, here are the rules that go with my new iPhone.

1)You will, within 30 seconds of leaving the store, drop the entire fucking box in the koi pond at the mall. Which, by the way further, proves that malls are evil, sadistic torture chambers of doom.

2)You will then, out of fear for your new phone, quickly rip it out of the box and pray that you didn't just piss away a $100

3)You will then thank the fucking gods for that little plastic strip and then drop the phone onto cement as you remove the plastic strip.

4)You will jailbreak this phone within 24 hours, not because AT&T is so horrible but just to say you jailbroke the phone.

5)You will install a VoIP app on the phone so that you can make cheap calls and fuck AT&T and their minutes.

6)You will NOT shit and text at the same time. You will NOT be that guy.

7) You will play Pocket God a lot. And at inappropriate times. Because they're no better time to feel like a wrathful, furious supreme being to a bunch of stupid natives than during 8 AM Monday morning team meetings.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

thought of the day 2009 12 23 - The Food Court

When you're in the food court at the mall, who's the court jester? I'm betting Panda Express. I mean you're going to eat there, then an hour later, you're hungry again. Plus compared to Hot Dog on a Stick, it just blows, Panda Express could have developed Orange Chicken on a Stick, but no, they're just a bunch of lazy illegal immigrants here to live off our social security and they don't even bother to learn the language. "Sweet Fire" chicken, what the fuck is that. Fire doesn't have a flavor it has a temperature. "Fire" is not a goddamn adjective nor a noun. Sweet Sour Chicken. Gotcha, it's both sweet and sour, it's descriptive. Mushroom Chicken. Gotcha, mushrooms and chicken, check. Sweet Fire chicken? What the fuck? You cannot use a noun to describe another noun. I don't go around saying shit like "wow, that sure is some training bra printer ink."

also...and no, I don't have a good segue for this, so just deal with it.

When you're in the food court and you get some really shitty food, can you appeal and if so, wouldn't it be neat to see someone petition for certiorari based on getting some General Tso's chicken that was actually made by a Vietnamese guy?

Monday, December 14, 2009

thought of the day 2009 12 22 - My perfect woman

Okay so I was asked today to describe the "perfect woman" for me. I don't have much in the way of requirements. 1) enjoys good scotch. 2) can quote lines from movies (that don't suck). In a perfect world, I'd throw "low maintenance" in there but really, what are the chances...

Now, you might argue that I'm setting the standards too low, I mean, shouldn't she have at least half a brain.

Now, that, becomes a question of math. Not her math skills mind you, but the male part of me wants to argue that brain requirements are inversely proportional to hotness. For example she can have half a brain if there's a perfect pair of boobs involved. Do the math, it works.

Hotness can also counteract crazy. For example, if she picks a fight when I get home from work at 8 PM and didn't walk her dog, hotness counteracts that crazy because of the potential for make up sex.

But hotness does not counter BOTH stupid and crazy. So if we get into a fight because I was working late and forget to walk her dog but she actually has a cat, no deal.

thought of the day 2009 12 21 - philosophical question

Just a philosophical question today, if I use both hands, is it considered a threesome?

Sunday, December 13, 2009

thought of the day 2009 12 20 - Star Wars dialouge

I was watching Star Wars again over the weekend while I fixed a computer, do you realize how much of the dialouge of the film could be innuendo? I'm kind of want to transpose characters from The Office in there, but then every 30 seconds you'd get some jackass going "that's what she said."

Seriously, think about it, "size matters not", "Luke, at that speed, do you think you'll be able to pull out in time." Lucas was either a mad genius who managed to get this past the ratings board or a truly unawares nerd. It's impressive. Watch the trilogy sometime and just listen to it. It's amazing.

thought of the day 2009 12 19 - Names for pets.

I'm not really one to talk. I had pets as a kid but never really picked out good names. Our dogs were Ekahi, Elua and Ekolu, the Hawaiian words for one two and three. But I think if I got a pet now, like a dog or maybe a cat, I'd have to think up a creative name. Maybe the name "Fuck". It's unique for starters and when you're out walking the dog you'd get to say lines like "heel you little fuck!" or "who took a shit over there? that's a good fuck." I'm just saying, unique pet names have advantages.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

thought of the day 2009 12 18 - stroke of marketing genius

So I just had a stroke of sales and marketing genius. I'm going to make little cards that are laminated but sticky on one side. And on one side you write "911" and on the other side you write the number of a local cab company. And you take this card and attach it to every bottle of tequila and charge 10 cents. Not only is it a public service and helping your fellow man, it's worth billions. Oh and I'm totally patenting that idea so if you're thinking about doing that yourself, piss off.

Monday, December 07, 2009

thought of the day 2009 12 17 - half assing it.

Now I'll be the first to admit that I'm not too thrilled about some of the changes I have at work and I've been trying to convince myself not to half ass my duties as I sulk, so I just need to keep reminding myself that I need to go into it whole assed and not half assed. I really do need to make the effort, at least for the next few months until things settle down, to be the asswhole.

Sunday, December 06, 2009

thought of the day 2009 12 16 - allergies

I think I have allergies to any kind of exercise not involving my liver. Every time I go running I break out in sweats and my muscles get all achy. I wonder if there's antihistamines for that.

Friday, December 04, 2009

thought of the day 2009 12 16 - Santa

I love how we use Santa to guilt trip kids into being good and telling the truth. Doesn't it occur to anyone that he's antisemitic and who's special skills, indeed his primary job responsibility, is focused around breaking and entering?

thought of the day 2009 12 15 - Birthdays and New Years

It's the holiday season again and as we get closer to Christmas and New Years, I have to admit that I don't really celebrate much. As far as I care, it's just one more day. I look at my birthday and New Years, the same way - congratulations for not dying on this go around.

Some people make all these big resolutions for New Years, like stopping smoking or exercising or spending more time with your family, just to break them three days later. Every year I make one resolution and it's the same every year. I resolve not to die this year. At worse, I'm only going to break that once.

thought of the day 2009 12 14 - Exit rows

Whenever I travel, I feel special when I get picked for the exit rows. Some people look at it as extra responsibility. I prefer to think of it as extra leg room. Plus every time they run through that little speech about checking the door then lifting it and throwing it out of the plane, I ask if I can practice and I really hope that one day, they'll let me.

But it's like winning the lottery. In the event that the plane goes down, fuck you guys I'm out of there first. In a crisis situation, I'm out that door as soon as I can and women and children second.

thought of the day 2009 12 13 - horsepower

What the hell is a horsepower? I mean if my engine has 200 horsepower, is it really all that great? What if they're really tiny, midget horses? That's not going to do me very good when I'm trying to pull an SUV with a ton of shit in the back.

thought of the day 2009 12 12 - Endangered species

Where was goddamn EPA during medieval times when people were going around killing the last of the dragons? At some point they should have been on the endangered species list. How cool would it be to have a dragon now? Fuck guard dogs, get yourself a guard dragon and any would be robber will get fucking toasted. But no, we had to go and make them extinct. Fucking ASPCA, so slow to the game.

thought of the day 2009 12 11 - Christmas for environmentalists

Carbon taxes, global warming fears, anti-logging environmentalists; doesn't it seem odd that we keep killing a shitload of trees every year just to decorate them with lights that will burn down our homes? We should stop that. Just let the trees be. If you want to decorate them, fucking plant one outside and run and extension cord and decorate that shit outside every year. You'll save yourself the hassle of dragging that bitch in and having to keep up with cleaning all those stupid needles.

thought of the day 2009 12 10 - Golf....sort of

What's the right club to use when you're so annoyed by someone that you want to practice your drive on their skull? Five iron? Three wood? Sand wedge?

Thursday, December 03, 2009

thought of the day 2009 12 09 - somebody is stealing pennies

If you get a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in, where does the other cent go? Somebody is stealing that penny. I bet it's Haliburton.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

thought of the day 2009 12 08 - America is #1 !!!!!!

So I realized something after I came home from Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is freakin' awesome. The entire day is about eating and drinking yourself into a stupor and then trying to recover in time to sit around in a mall parking lot from 10 PM until the next morning to score one of the limited supply of some ridiculously cheap product. This is the kind of holiday I can get behind. It's like something that America should advertise. We should put it on pamphlets we give to all the people who apply for immigrant visa's and get denied, just to rub it in their faces. Like "sorry guys, we know you're all starving in your third world country where the poverty rate is 99% and you only eat every other day, but here, we've got so much food that we send everybody home with food and still throw half of it away. keep hoping you can get here bitches, because American Thanksgiving is awesome!"

On the other hand, I have to wonder, how come Turkey's never seemed to be a threat for the bird flu?

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

thought of the day 2009 12 07 - West Bank

With all the history between Israel and Palestine there must be some pretty good investments in the Middle East. I mean nobody would want to live in that place if there wasn't some kind of upside to it. And living in the desert? You couldn't pay me enough for it, so I kind of wondering what kind of returns you get on a CD or a bond at the West Bank. I get like 2 1/4 % on my CD's now. If I had to live in the desert, I'd need to be making like triple digit returns. And if I had to live in a desert with a bunch of crazy fuckers who would just as soon kill me as ridicule me for my (lack of) religious views, I'd need to be making some serious bank in the West Bank. I woner if they have free checking.

thought of the day 2009 12 06 - Black Friday

Am I the only one who wanted to see more people die in Walmart stampedes on Black Friday? There must be someone else out there who just wanted to see that some guy waited in a parking lot from 10 PM Thanksgiving night only to get drilled into the pavement the second they opened the doors.