Tuesday, December 28, 2010


I actually had to stop watching that pedo vampire movie Twilight after like 30 minutes. Vampires are not sexy and if you think about it, anything that's immortal and has that much sex has got to be carrying just about every venereal disease imaginable. And even if he doesn't have a pulse, getting syphilis while under magical hypnosis, still icky.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

If You Teach a Ma to Fish

If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day. If you teach a man to fish, he's going to fucking starve. I've seen you try to catch fish. Quite frankly, even the fish are laughing at you. At best, you might accidentally hook a fish that's on the aquatic version of death row for being a terrorist. And even that's not very likely.

I'd say you should just give a man a fish, it'll save both of you a lot of hassle. Except I don't know where you'd get a fish in the first place so both of you are pretty much fucked. Maybe you'll have better luck with chicken.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Give a Man a Fish

If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day. If you teach a man to fish he still needs to buy a boat, pole, reel, line, hooks, lures, bait, tackle box, float, lead, swivels, bucket, ice and GPS and then he still needs to catch the damn fish or he's not eating.

So if you don't give a man a fish, expect that he might take your fish and slap you across the face with it for letting him starve.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


Has anyone who's lost their virginity ever found it again? I mean, it's not exactly like losing your car keys or your wallet, like you'd just misplace it somewhere and forget where you put it only to stumble across it again after tearing apart the room.

But if anyone has found their virginity again, I'd like to know the circumstances around that, 'cause given my cold streak lately, I think I might be near to finding mine. And I'm wondering whether or not I should put up lost and found posters around the neighborhood.

Saturday, December 04, 2010

100% Organic, All Natural

I don't have much of a problem with GNC, health food stores or holistic medicine per se. I do think they're generally overpriced, but my main problem with that shit is people who criticize me for liking Nyquil and Sudafed instead of like St. John's wort or whatever the fuck. "Oh, but I take it because it's all natural".

Yeah, fuck that. You know what else is natural? Cancer. Happens in nature all the time.

"But it's 100% organic." So is syphilis, doesn't mean I want it, so shut the fuck up.

I don't try to push my Sudafed preference on you, so go harass someone else hippie.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

In the future

I'd like to be an anthropologist way in the future. Like in a few centuries or so, when they dig up the remains of civilizations and people today. They'll find some bones and right in the middle of the torso, on top of the ribs, just these two bags of silicone. I'd like to know how they're interpret that. Maybe they'll look at it like we look at ancient Romans and Greeks putting two coins on the eyes of the dead. "Ah yes, well, our current theory is that they put a bag on each breast to symbolize the fact as the polar ice caps melted, they needed more, and larger, flotation devices."

Or someone who finds Flava Flav's burial site, "Look! I know exactly what time he died!"


I work at a phone company and I multi-task a lot but I try not to use the speakerphone often. It's not that I dislike it, in fact, I find it very useful. I just worry too much that it was invented by someone who spend way too much time calling phone sex operators.

Haunted Houses

Is it odd that the scariest haunted house I can think of would be decorated like a wedding chapel?

worst job ever:

Wookiee gynecologist.

My true complaint about airport security.

Look, I want to be safe and secure when I travel too, but if I have to go through the whole hassle of standing in line to get an ID check, making sure I don't have a bottle of water with me, taking off my shoes and belt, extracting my laptop and putting all that shit into the little bins, then still potentially facing secondary screening where a guy who looks like a cross between a mall cop and a movie extra snaps on a rubber glove and handles my junk with a moist towelette that's somehow supposed to detect whether my balls were dipped in explosives, I might as well shove a balloon full of heroin up my ass. It seems like kind of a waste otherwise and really, I'm on the side of TSA, I want to make them feel like they're actually productive. Any kind of rectal probing is going to ruin your travel experience, might as well have a reason.

Plus, drug smuggling is about the only way you can afford a plane ticket anymore.

At this very second

there are thousands, tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands, millions of people, at this very second, across the globe, fucking. And if you're reading this, you're not one of them.

And before you get snarky with me, remember that sarcasm is way less satisfying than orgasm, so get off my case and go get off.