Treat others as you would want to be treated

 Once, when I was a kid, I drowned an ant in barbecue sauce because I thought that's how I would want to go out. 

I'm sticking to that.

Chicken Abortion Salad

 I had some eggs that need to be used, so I'm making a premature chicken salad sandwich for lunch.

Professional Achievement

 I got to only 3 emails in my inbox today. This is probably my most significant professional accomplishment in like 10+ years.

And if you were thinking of replying “pics or it didn’t happen” you can fuck right off.

Imagination

 In the 1990’s someone walked into the office of a major motion picture studio and pitched the following:

Okay, so there are these aliens who have an amusement park. But they don’t have the business acumen to realize that you need to change up the attractions every so often or it gets stale. So they decide to kidnap new attractions – and here’s the twist – the new attractions are cartoon characters from Earth.

But the cartoon characters trick them into thinking there’s a rule that they get to pick a challenge to win their freedom. I mean it's a cheap trick and there's no real reason a bunch of aliens who are fine breaking laws should follow rules at all, but, you know, plot device - so the cartoon characters pick a basketball game because the aliens are tiny – but here’s the twist – the aliens steal the “talent” of all the best basketball players from Earth. No, the cartoons don't really have any basketball skills, they're just moderately taller and there aren't many famous volleyball players we can rotoscope.

And you know how Michael Jordan decided to retire and play baseball? Well we bring him back and pair him with the cartoon characters to win the basketball game so the aliens don’t kidnap them. Also, for some reason, Bill Murray is there, sometimes. So the cartoons kidnap Michael Jordan through the cup at a hole at a golf course, because they’re cartoons so it makes total sense, and draft him into their game, but he’s cool with it for no apparent reason and really just takes the whole reality-bending concept of cartoons being real in stride because Michael is that chill. 

No we can’t put Rodman in there, he’d get confused for a cartoon character. 

So they all start playing a basketball game, only not really because it’s cartoon world, so it’s kinda wacky. Like there really isn’t the concept of a foul. Felony assault and attempted murder, conspiracy to commit, they’re all fine in cartoon world. No, Michael Jordan isn’t a cartoon. We get the real Michael Jordan. And the NBA players get to do cameos. Have you even thought about how photogenic Patrick Ewing is?

Okay, so they’re playing this game and losing to the aliens and losing badly until Michael convinces the entire team to take performance enhancing drugs. But here’s the twist – it’s really just a placebo, because the moral of the story is that they had it in them the whole time.  

They turn it around and the game is a nail-biter, down to the wire. Bill Murray even has to step in as a last-minute substitution so they don’t lose the game by forfeit. Yeah, we don’t care about fouls, or travelling, but I mean some rules you just have to follow. We have our heroes win at the buzzer by – and here’s the twist – turning Michael Jordan into a cartoon. Oh, and the bad guys defect over to the good guys side like they’re trying to escape from North Korea. Probably should have called Rodman to help. 

Someone walked into an office and pitched that. Someone else bought it. And they made an absolute fuck ton of money for it. R Kelly even had a hit song on the soundtrack. 

So is all that MAGA conspiracy theory bullshit the craziest thing imaginable? 

Yes. The answer is yes. Even compared to the plot, acting and financial success of the 1996 movie Space Jam, that shit is bonkers.

Panic

 How often does a mime in a box get claustrophobia?

July 4

 On this day, we celebrate that a bunch of old white guys, some time ago, wrote out a whole document. In longhand. Without spellcheck. 

If you're celebrating anything else, you're getting the date wrong. Independence was declared on July 2 and the document was signed in Aug.

You'd be just as accurate to celebrate Will Smith and Jeff Goldbum saving the planet today.

https://constitutioncenter.org/blog/when-is-the-real-independence-day-july-2-or-july-4?fbclid=IwAR3nS2dj3cVl_CtJcyZTP4lTsLOriLOxkiCLgToOCDZZWuNgb3hn9I2Bq6Q

Plot

 In the 1920's and 30's there was a Major League Baseball catcher named Moe Berg. A graduate of Columbia law school, Berg was one of the most intellectual players in the game. He regularly read multiple newspapers a day and spoke multiple languages. He once took a trip to Japan to play exhibitions and teach baseball and astonished the other American players he travelled with by walking off the ship after a two week voyage having taught himself enough Japanese to be conversant with the people they met. He was also big into cameras and legend was that some of the footage he took while in Japan was used to plan Doolittle's crazy ass air raid after Japan bombed Pearl Harbor. 

Berg eventually became a spy for the OSS (which would later become the CIA) and worked in Europe during WWII interviewing Italian scientists on the state of Germany's nuclear development. He was even directed to attend a lecture by Werner Heisenberg and shoot him if Berg thought the Germans were too close to getting a nuclear weapon. 

Berg never wrote his memoir, he came close once but quit after the writer he was paired with mistook him for the Moe from the Three Stooges. He life was eventually recounted in a book, and later a movie, called The Catcher Was A Spy. Decent book, okay movie. 

But I was watching this thing and I knew I had seen this actor before but I couldn't remember where. Turns out it was from that movie about Moe Berg. Or Westworld. It was either spies or robot fucking. Maybe both.

All of which is the roundabout way of saying, WAIT, THERE WAS A FUCKING PLOT LINE TO THE MORTAL KOMBAT MOVIE!?!?!?!?!?