Monday, October 31, 2005

Halloween = No Big Deal for Crossdressers

You know who must be really disenchanted with Halloween is cross dressers. I mean they're in a costume every day, so Halloween's really nothing special. You wake up going. Hm, I know, I have the perfect costume, I'll dress up as the opposite sex! Oh wait, I do that already. Shit, well maybe I'll just dress like a member of my own sex. Yeah, that'll be fucking hilarious.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

God, Mary and Joe The Holy Threesome

Jesus was the son of God. Mary was the mother of Jesus. Joseph was married to Mary. First off both God and Mary are guilty of adultery which violates one of the Ten Commandments. Fine, it's God, they're his rules, he can violate them. It's hypocrisy but I expect that from religion. But, and here's my real issue: why doesn't God have to pay child support? I mean, He's God, He's omnipotent He can afford to make some fucking payments. But if I have pay child support, why doesn't God. That's not His rule that's the US fucking government's rule and they put "In God we Trust" on the fucking money. The money literally has His name on it, but he doesn't have to make child support payments, that's not hypocrisy, that's just bullshit. Still though, Mary, Joseph and God that's one bitchin' threesome.

Monday, October 24, 2005

The Body Shop Joins OPEC

I got snookered (bet you haven't heard that term in a while) into going to the mall this past weekend, a place I usually avoid like opera and musical. Anyway, I walked past the Body Shop, and was immediately overcome by the mix of smells coming out of the place. Everything in there smelled of something. I think the chain of stores is owned by the French. They had on sale, this scented oil at 3 little bottles for USD$16, which makes me wonder two things. First of all, how have OPEC, Chevron, Shell and Texaco missed out on this market? And second, if burning gas in your car made things smell like vanilla cream, could they charge $5.33 per ounce? I suppose it doesn't matter though since, they'll soon be charging that much for regular non-vanilla scented gas anyway.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Speed Bumps

Speed bumps are misnamed. A true speed bump should be designed to increase your speed. Your brake pedal causes your car to brake. You're accelerator causes it to accelerate, your speed bump should cause it to speed. BUT when you go over one you have to go slow and if you try to use it to speed you usually end up breaking something. for example a poorly connected rear view mirror might fall off the goddamn windshield and shatter glass all over the seats and floor. Somebody should do something about this false advertising in traffic control.

God's Economic Policies

I suppose my largest disagreement and discontent with the Republican Party is that they seem to want God to dictate social policy and foreign policy but not economic policy. I mean it's God, he's supposed to be omnipotent so where's the economic policy? If you want the market to dictate economics, then doesn't it make sense to have the market dictate social policy? Shit, even if the policy is "and the Lord said, let there be jobs, and there were." That's at least consistent with the rest. I mean it's still a shitty policy, but I consistently hear Evangelicals claiming that marriage and social policy should be dictated by the will of God, so why not economics. Why does God not have a plan to save social security? If social policy advocates on the right are pushing prayer in school, why not also prayer in unemployment? If thou asketh God for a job, the lord will provide thee with a job. As long as you donate to Pat Robertson.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

MAC 10

I get it finally. I'm not a Mac person so it took me a while to understand whey they didn't call OS X by its numerical name. I do have to say though, if they had released the Mac 10 I would have bought one. As the OS X it just sounds like they trying to be sneaky or sell a mutant computer.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Wet Burqa Contest

Do you think they have wet burqa contests for Spring Break in Iraq? Obviously a wet T-Shirt contest would be overkill but they have to have something fun. I bet there must be a restaurant chain there sort of like Hooters here, but instead of chicks in tight shirts they have chicks in ankle length dresses and really tight socks so you can sneak a peek at those sexy ankles.

The California Raisins

I wonder what was running through the minds of the guys who created the California Raisins. What kind of meetings would you have to have to pitch an idea like that?.Well, we have this idea for a cartoon, only it's not a cartoon, we use clay, like Gumby but instead of some misshapen stick of gum, we use raisins. They're easier to shape and we can make them sing. What makes them special you ask? Well, they're from Florida, shit, wait, Florida has oranges. Aha! I've got it, raisins come from grapes, the wine we're drinking comes from grapes, where is this wine from? Napa. Done! the Napa Raisins! No shit, that doesn't work. Okay, got it. The California Raisins! Genius!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Domestic Natural Gas Production

Apparently heating oil prices are set to rise this winter due to shortages and some people want to increase domestic natural gas production to compensate. In response, the White House has not proposed providing free government pork and beans.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Pursuit of Happiness

There's some very telling language in the US Constitution. It says we are entitled to the "pursuit of happiness." It doesn't say anything about catching happiness.No direction as to how you might get to happiness, only that you should feel free to chase it. It's that sort of demeaning. It's like greyhounds around a dog track. They get to chase that little mechanical rabbit, none of them ever catch the fucking thing. And they wouldn't know what to do if they did catch it. What the Constitution basically says is that a few rich white men can get happiness, the rest of us are free to pursue it, but I mean really, don't get your hopes high for catching it. That's why Americans are so into the car chase in TV shows and movies. We see these people flying down the roads at 120 MPH, smiling and yelling. They're happy. And the cops are pursuing their happiness.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Special Car Colors

I never really cared much about car colors. I mean black cars are nice but hot and a pain to maintain, white is nice but even worse to maintain. The car I bought is some ugly green color that looks like Ford just said, "eh, fuck it" and tossed together left over colors. What I would like to see though is a rust colored card. I've seen cars with the sort of reddish-brown of rust but it's always with the shiny finish so you can tell it's painted. I would like to see a rust colored car with a matte finish so that people passing by would be surprised and have to question whether you truly were driving around a giant pile of rust. Get a vanity plate that says "tetanus." Well, okay science fact, rust doesn't cause tetanus but still...I'd like people to drive past and go "Holy fuck! That's a real rust bucket." Even if the car is brand new. I would buy a car that color.

White House Nicknames

I realize the President likes to give nicknames and I guess it's a neat sort of side job but when White House nicknames become the most productive output of the building it's a bit disturbing. And how the hell do you get a nickname like "Brownie"? A brownie is a little chocolate square you eat with coffee or a little girl trying to sell you little chocolate squares at a bake sale fundraiser. At least make the nickname fit the idiot. Something like "Arabian Horse's Ass" or "Brown Bag Hurricane Relief" or something simple like "dipshit". Or Scooter. Granted I don't think bush gave him that nickname, but how the fuck does a grown man, and the Chief of Staff to the Vice President no less, get a nickname like Scooter. Scooter is what you call the eight year old kid on your block who keeps crashing into shit. Now "Dick" Cheney, that's probably the most aptly given nickname in the White House. Maybe we should call Bush "Pubes" because 1) it's a synonym for bush in proper context and 2) sometimes he acts like a kid going through puberty.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

The Democratic Message

On Meet the Press this past Sunday people were commenting on how the Democrats need to get a message, a plan of action, something along those lines, in order to win Congressional seats in the midterm election. The consensus among the pundits seems to be that a negative message is insufficient. I would like to propose that the Democratic plan be called "ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY!" Basically it consists of the message "How much worse could we fuck things up than the Republicans!?!?" We're at war, we have to rebuild whole cities, whole fucking counties, excuse me "Parishes" along the Gulf coast, the economy is weak, prices are high, I'm not high and I would be if the fucking government would stop thinking that weed is worse than tobacco 'cause it fuck well isn't, the crackhead of a President has given your tax money to the wealthiest motherfuckers on the planet and stuck taxpayers with huge deficits to cover the costs and the Republicans are still bitching about Clinton. Fucking Clinton, what's the worst that he did in office. Hm, he got a blowjob and put a few friends into the travel office where the worst they might do is screw up the frequent flyer miles. The current President put a retard in charge of disaster recovery and wants to put more cronies on the highest fucking court in the country. Seriously, I ask you, how much more could we fuck things up? We could attempt to legalize RPG's for civilian uses for home defense and hunting but even then, I don't think it would make things that much worse. We could reduce white collar crime by aborting all crooked-ass CEO's but El Presidente is against late term abortion. So for those Americans who insist on supporting a blind ideologue and his party, I have to ask ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?

Gay Bars

The concept of a gay bar is very confusing. With the exception of maybe sake and brandy, drinks are cold. When you drink a beer it should be ice cold, but gay people are usually pretty flaming. I have yet to reconcile this clash in my mind.

Holy iPod

Thought of the day: What would God have on his iPod? I'm betting on some Led Zeppelin or Cat Stevens. I wonder if they get AM radio in heaven...I'm pretty sure they get podcasts

Responsible TV

When kids do stupid shit, stop blaming the TV and start blaming the stupid kids. TV might give them an idea or two, but it doesn't incite action. Shit if media really had that much influence, there's a whole genre of murder-mystery that would lead to rash outbreak of hard to solve homicides. Nobody watches Murder She Wrote then goes out to commit the perfect kill just to stump Angela Landsbury. If TV was really the problem, it would have a lot more influence. Comedy Central alone would be responsible for at least a couple dozen annual deaths via drive-by pie throwing. And advertising would be a whole shitload more effective. "What?!? the voice of the Star Trek captain is telling me in rhyme that i need Crestor?! Well, I feel healthy but if Capt. Picard's rhyming about it, I'd better go fucking get some. While I'm at it, I can pick up something for my yeast infection."

And that's another thing, I'm all for equality but I don't need to hear shit about yeast infections and vaginal discharge while watching the fucking news. I'm fair, I don't want to hear shit about jock itch either.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Short Term Memory Loss and Radio

The battery ran out in my MP3 player today so I was listening to the radio for a while as the battery recharged. Now I remember why I goddamn quit listening to the radio. I swear I heard the same songs every 40 minutes. It was driving me insane, it was as though the playlist was created by a person with fucking Alzheimer's who forgot they played the same damn song before and after I took a break to go to the bathroom. Granted the car exhaust I inhale as I walk down the street makes breathing the air a not so enjoyable experience, but now I can't even enjoy listening to the air unless I have short term memory loss. I realize nobody at Clear Channel reads this, but KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF!