Sunday, February 28, 2010

Soy Beans

There's something amazing about the soy bean. Miso soup, edamame, tofutti, even those crappy soy hamburgers. It's an awesome little bean. Then you get something like natto and everything just goes to shit.

One more thing I hate about Wal-Mart

How come the sporting goods section is always in the back. In every damn walmart, they make we walk through the entire store to get to the sporting goods section.

When the zombie apocalypse comes I'm going to want easy access to canned foods, water, camping gear. I don't want to have to run up and down a bunch of aisles with zombies hiding behind end cap displays and shit.

I mean honestly, do you guys not account for the priorities when you design a store!?!?!?!

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Quitting the Facebook

I'm considering quitting the Facebook. Seeing as I find it difficult to rub one out to everybody's farmwille and mafia wars updates, I'm going to devote my Internet attention back to where it should be: porn.   Oh, and pirating movies


Most of my clothes could be described as 'business casial' and though I don't have much experience with it personally causal sex seems pretty common but I'm wondering if here's such a thing as 'business casual sex'? Would that be something like fucking the receptionist over the Xerox machine with a pair of chinos around your ankles? Or using your Gap button down shirt to tie up the cute marketing girl in the lunch room?


I just read that 45% of readers said they had a higher sex drive than their guys do. Which means I know what subscriptions  and website history to look for in the next girl. That now becomes question number 2 on first dates, right behind "do you currently or have you, previously taught a yoga class?"


When I die I want to do something special with my remains. I'm probably going to end up in thrid class mail to Hell with no return address but I'd like to thig I could do something more fun like mail myself to Santa at the North Pole but with my luck the magnetic poles would reverse like in Waterworld and I'd end up spending all eternity with a bunch of penguins and then I'd be the only one not in a tux.

Holy Land

If I was God I'd have thought twice about putting my Holy Land in the Middle East. Desert climate, minimal fresh water and no decent surf. If I was picking the Holy Land I would have gone with somewhere like Costa Rica.

Thursday, February 25, 2010


those who can't do teach. Those who can't teach sell. Those who can't sell go into management. Those who can't manage go into government.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


last night I confused KFC and UFC. You don't want to call a guy who knocked someone out in 29 seconds with repeated blows to the head "chicken". Thus endeth the lesson.

And in case anyone was wondering they already have the Ultimate Fighting Chicken. Or at least that's what sounds like any time I'm in Kalihi after 8 PM

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


A friend of mine is in DC for work for six weeks. I am greatly impressed. I travel for work, but I don't really do long trips. One week, fine. Two weeks even if need be, but I get paranoid about taking trips for work longer than a month....unless the per diem is good.

See I get to worrying about stuff like how I'd pay my rent and other bills. Or what happens if the power goes out and resets all my clocks and crashes the server in my living room. Or what if someone breaks in and replaces all the food in my fridge and pantry with falafel. These are horrifying thoughts to me.

Sunday, February 21, 2010


If you were an Indian, like Sitting Bull Indian, not Gandhi Indian, wouldn't you be totally pissed off at Thanksgiving? I mean if that was me, I'd be protesting and shit. I'd start calling like "Invastion Day" and whatnot.

I guaran-fucking-tee you there would be a ruckus.

New Reality TV Show

I think that in order to get some new attention around the Catholic Church, they should create a new show. Sort of reality show. Make it a contest, like Dancing with the Saints or So You Think you Can Pope. Or make it a game show. I can picture that one clearly "Ralph Parker, you're the next contestant on The Pope is Right."

They could probably even get Bob Barker.

My favorite animal at the zoo

My favorite zoo animal is the panda. I can't help but like any animal that has less sex than I do. I mean don't me wrong. I sometimes wish I was a monkey and could get away with flinging my poo at whatever or whoever, whenever I felt like it. Or a penguin because let's be honest how cool is an animals that's dressed in a tuxedo 24/7? But no, the fact that there's an animal like the panda, that's just awesome.

God as a tailor

How come I have a line running down my dick and between my balls? My fingers don't have this line. My head doesn't have this line. It's like that's where the tailor ended when he finished sewing the skin suit for the male human being so that's where the seam is. Women don't have this. In fact women are still open down there, like God was finishing up but got distracted by a platypus or a shiny object.


old fantasy: A weekend in a Vegas hotel suite with a hot redhead and a hot brunette.

new fantasy: a fresh homemade key lime pie. with real key limes

Olympic Events

I would like to see "Bikini" as an Olympic event. I'm not sure if it's a summer game or a winter game but it would be a great event and it's something the Swedish team could expect to place if not win gold every time.

I'm going to try out for American Idol

The next time I get a chance I'm going to try out for American Idol by singing "Tequila." There's only one word to the whole song and you don't even have to say it in tune to the song. In fact, it makes it more like the real song if you're out of key.

new holiday - Breakup Day

Hallmark needs to make a new Holiday, right after Valentines, like the week after. When you finally sober up and realize the person you desperately hooked up with on V-Day is horrible. They can create great new slogas:

"For when you just don't care anymore."

"For when you can't stand to be with each other."

Tuesday, February 02, 2010


Alright. This is the last fucking season of Lost. We had to move the fucking State of the Union Address for this. It better be good goddammit. And I've now gone five seasons and as far as I can tell, none of the flight attendants survived. These are the people most prepared and trained to survive a crash. I'd better fucking see a flight attendant coming out of this alive motherfuckers.


It's amazing sometimes the legacy that people leave behind. I mean Stephen Hawking: GENIUS. If I were a zombie that would be a damn tasty brain. Bill Clinton: first black President....and totally made me want to take up cigar smoking as a hobby. The most amazing of all to me though is Craig.

I don't even know his last name, but that dude's list is fucking awesome. And while some whiny little bitches will remember him as the guy who put printed newspapers out of business by killing their classified ads sales, I will always hold a place in my memory for the man who's name will forever be linked to causal, anonymous hookups and "will fix computer for sexual favors" postings.

Economic stimulus

There are a bunch of unemployed Americans. There is a shortage of hot women with Irish accents. Therefore I propose the following:

Hire a bunch of Americans to email the Irish and sell them Viagra. Hire more Americans to make ad ship the Viagra. If it's fake Viagra that's probably okay too, but I'm just saying. It's a good plan.

First off, it's Viagra. It'll sell.

Secondly, You can't go to the Chinese because there's already too many of them. They don't need help. They keep to one kid per couple and there's still so many of them they have to create new Chinatown's all over the that's one franchise, I wish I could have gotten in on at the ground level.

Thirdly, the Irish may be so white they're damn near transparent, but that accent is hot and they can make a mean single malt. (She was a just a whiskey maker but I loved her still).

And finally, doesn't it seem like a good idea that something besides the economy get stimulated as well?


I was just reading this article about the increasing number of women in relationships who make more than men. Personally, I'm all for it. I was dating someone who make more money than me for a while. And her undergrad degree was fucking Sociology. It was just sad. But I dug it, it was nice not having to shell out for her shit too. Oh you want that $600 bag? Go for it. I mean hell, you make more money than me.

Just remember guys, if she pays for dinner and a movie, you better put out.

Spelling bees

I would love to see a kid in a spelling be have to spell the word "fellatio"

I guarantee you that if your fifth grader can spell a word as hard as fellatio (pun intended) or cunnilingus you're doing something right....probably something very wronng too, but I mean damn, those aren't easy words.


There's something I realize now that I'm working more with sales. People had to be sold. But they LOVE to buy shit. I mean seriously. Miley Cyrus, Oprah book club selections, fucking Coldplay. People love to buy shit. Sorry, I guess it's difficult to convey tone in text. What I really mean to say is people love to buy SHIT.

Book deals

I had someone mention to me a while ago that I should actually start collecting some of these thoughts into a coherent order and put them into a book. Which led me down the path of wondering what kind of book deal I could get. Which makes me wonder...what kind of book deal did God get for the Bible? I really hope he got at least a couple of points on the back end. And I'm hoping God was at least as smart as Lucas with Star Wars and got to keep the merchandising rights.


Costco must be to white people what paradise is like to a Muslim.

Muslim dies, goes to heaven, 72 virgins. White guy goes to Costco gets 72 AA batteries and a 5 lb. jar of pickles.