Monday, October 26, 2015


Can somebody explain to me why new glasses require a prescription? Is there someone out there going into diopter withdrawal? There really can't be much of a black market for bifocals can there? I mean there's nobody I've heard of doing stuff in the back of a van for a polycarbonate fix. This is fucking annoying.

Sunday, October 25, 2015


There's something about Sunday that makes me think about the fact that in forty years or so there's going to be some kid in a nursing home pushing around a retiree with a tramp stamp.

Saturday, October 24, 2015


Money doesn't grow on trees but coffee does, which is why coffee is better than money. Except at Starbucks where the coffee is burnt and makes me drink it makes me want to burn their money.

Thursday, October 22, 2015


A real friend skips your funeral to go delete your browser history.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015


When you get convicted of tax fraud and they send you to prison, do they put you in the H&R Block?

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Catch of The Day

Why is the catch of the day always some kind of fish? Even if you’re just talking seafood, like at some point you would have just accidentally caught a turtle or a dolphin or something. And wouldn’t you be way more impressed if one day you walked in there and the catch of the day was Roadrunner? I grant you, that’s a very niche market, but wouldn’t you be impressed? The term catch of the day doesn’t make sense anyway, a lot of fish are farmed and pretty much anything you eat has to be caught, though not necessarily by me. If it was me doing the catching we’d be eating a lot of slow, dumb animals. Tortoises, politicians, fish that happen to be on land. Stuff like that. The idea of eating what you can catch does explain one thing to me though – vegetarians. 

Saturday, October 10, 2015


When I gain weight I know where it is, but when I lose weight, where does it go? Perhaps it ends up in a lost and found somewhere.