Thursday, March 19, 2009

Women's clothes are stretchy

So the ex girlfriend moved to SoCal and now I'm left to go through the stuff she left and figure out what to do with it. What I realize though about this stuff, chick clothes are stretchy. My clothes are nowhere near that stretchy. The only thing not stretchy - denim shorts. It's really amusing. Or I'm just too easily amused. Whatever.

I'm serious though, my shirts, even like my polo shirts, they don't stretch that much. I mean I get it, gotta deal with the boob variable, but still it's weird. My dress shirts do NOT stretch like that. I mean there's a serious difference in men's and women's clothing and I think it's a conspiracy to confuse men when they try to determine clothing sizes for gifts.

Yeah, yeah, laugh, but you just know I'm right. Women's clothes are designed stretchy so that when I buy the M instead of the S I don't get a "thank you" I get a "gee, you don't know my size by now? Do I look fat today?" It's all a way to mess with men's brains. And women, you need to knock it the fuck off. We don't have many brain cells and what little we do have needs to go to important thoughts like the NCAA championships and hand eye coordination so we can maintain superiority over our children in Ski-ball. Male hereditary dominance is determined by Ski-ball dammit; by tricking us with your magically stretchy clothing you are potentially risking clan leadership and that is not a good thing.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Thoughts on false advertising

I'm a little annoyed when I think that Colonel Sanders wasn't a real Colonel, but I think I'm more annoyed that Captain Planet wasn't a real Captain. And more than that, where the hell did those teenagers learn to pilot a custom built jet? Did that Russian girl with the accent really have a pilot's license, because it didn't seem like she could have. And wait a minute, they were flying a fucking jet. Isn't that bad for the environment? I mean commercial aviation leaves significant exhaust and carbon contrails in the sky. That can't be good for an ecological superhero. I don't know, maybe it's just late and I'm annoyed by weird things on youtube.

And I really want that monkey to give them all Ebola like the monkey in Outbreak

Monday, March 16, 2009


Here's the thing about weddings that I don't really like. It's basically a celebration of two people fucking. And to be clear I'm not one of the two people so, why would should I celebrate?

I mean lets start off with the fact that it's a marriage. You're celebrating two people comitting to only fucking each other for the rest of their lives. That's not cause for celebration. That's cause for alcoholism. And also the cause of probably like half the porn industry.

But beyond that, unless you can score a drunk bridesmaid, chances are you're not going to be among two people fucking, so what's there to celebrate? In fact the only people gauranteed to get laid on the night of a marriage, are the people getting married; and I don't want to celebrate someone else getting laid. And I certaily on't want to have to walk around in a Bed Bath and Beyond for and hour and half to find soemthing on a registry that's only affordable if you're a Saudi prince.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

The five question flu questionnaire

This is multiple choice:
By the way, if you read the first one, just to let you know it doesn't get any better from there.

1. Your ass feels like it's on fire because
a. You've been gang raped like the prison bitch you are
b. You've been drinking the water in Mexico
c. You have the flu and have been curled up in the fetal..FETAL people learn to read...fetal position for the past four hours, interrupted by what can only be described as projective diarrhea

2. Your fever is currently 102 because
a. You're just that hot you sexy bitch
b. You're a virgin princess being scarified to the volcano gods
c. You've got the flu and even though it's like 60 degrees in the room around you, you feel like you're in a goddamn sauna and you're wearing nothing but surf short and what the fuck is with these fever chills. I'm fucking burning up here, how the hell am I having chills. This is like a fucking medical mystery. I should be on House.

3. Your consistent vomiting indicates that
a. You can't say you've truly been intimate with someone until you've had to hold back their hair while their puking for three days
b. When you mix vomit and lemon air freshener the room just smells like lemony vomit
c. You've got the flu and you're lucky if you can hold down the NyQuil and Tylenol with codine you've been using to knock yourself unconscious for the past half a week

4. When you're sick soup is a great food. Do you prefer
a. Rice soup (jook) but bland because you're a fucking wimp and can barely hold down water
b. Chicken Soup but like the kind in the can because that's all you know
c. Duck soup. And let me just preface your answer by saying that contrary to what you might think, duck soup is fucking difficult to make

5. Your headaches can best be classified as
a. Mild and controllable with the right medication. like vicodin or codine
b. Migraines that hurt you so bad it's like someone peeled back your skull and bitch slapped your prefrontal cortex with a week old salmon.
c. Oh my fucking god if you don't stop chewing so loudly I swear I will duct tape your mouth soon as I can get up out of this fetal position.

quick question

how come blondes still have dark eyebrows?

oh and also I don't really watch much TV but I've had a lot of time to kill while I've been sick and I noticed that a lot of celebrity women and models wear really low cut dresses and crosses. Not that I neccessarily mind or find it to be hypocritical, I just kind of wonder, why a crucifix? Is it because God likes to be near a great pair of boobs?

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Movies from the other point of view

I don't really enjoy being sick, it's nice to not have to go into the office but you feel like crap and there's not much you can do because half your brain is blitzed out on nyquil and DXM. But it's good for watching movies. Thing is, when you're blitzed out on nyuil and smi-hallucinogenic cough drops, you have a different take on the movies you watch. For example, Empire Strikes Back, best Star Wars movie EVER. It's a total down ending for the rebels. Han Solo is frozen, Luke loses a hand and the Empire destroys their base on Hoth. But if you look at the title...The Empire Strikes Back. It's perfect. It's like the happiest movie ever. The thing is it's only depressing if you side with the rebels. And they're rebels. I mean you have this Empire devoted to stability and order through the galaxy and sudden a bucnh of assholes start flying around blowing up your Death Stars and chopping your Stormtroopers in half with lighsabers, it's just wrong. But if you're rooting for the Empire, then it's a great movie

When you watch movie, or even TV shows, look at things with the shoe on the other foot. For example the Terminator. It's a sad, sad movie. How many times have these machines tried to kill John Connor? Their sole purpose in existing is to kill John Connor and they just keep failing. It's like a long series of tragic movies, even a TV show now.

When you watch Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. It wasn't a temple of doom because he dropped the weird cult leader guy to the crocs. Indy stopped the temple from being a temple of doom, it was a temple of little kids but not a temple of doom.

We spend all of Speed on the edge of our seats because Sandra Bullock might go to slow and blow up a bus but when the bus finally does blow up, all it does is take out a plane full of mail and cargo. What about all the poor people waiting for their packages and their never going to get them because the world just had to have a Keanu Reeves.

I'm just saying things in movies just don't make sense.

Saturday, March 07, 2009

The Little Thoughts

What really disturbs me is all the little thoughts that pop in on a daily basis. Things like:

1. if you crossed a chicken with a monkey, would that be a chunky? what about a baby cat with a monkey, would that be a mitten?

2. what kind of info do they put on the toe tags that go on cadavers? I mean they're kinda like the tags on christmas presents but like To: God, From Jim. Or Hell if Jim's a telemarketer. What kind of info do they need to put on a tag?

3. Mojito is a really fun drink to say but it's not nearly as fun to spell and it's kinda just the bastard child of ginger ale and a mint julep.

4. if you got bit by a vampire, you wouldn't be alive, but then you wouldn't really be dead, so they couldn't prosecute for murder becasue technically the vampire wouldd have un-killed you. But at the same time it doesn't seem right does it?

5. Have you every actually tried to make duck soup? It's not that fucking easy. Pies, cakes, even that takes work and there's lots of clean up. People should thik about that before they go and say stupid things.

stuff like that