Thursday, March 12, 2009

The five question flu questionnaire

This is multiple choice:
By the way, if you read the first one, just to let you know it doesn't get any better from there.

1. Your ass feels like it's on fire because
a. You've been gang raped like the prison bitch you are
b. You've been drinking the water in Mexico
c. You have the flu and have been curled up in the fetal..FETAL people learn to read...fetal position for the past four hours, interrupted by what can only be described as projective diarrhea

2. Your fever is currently 102 because
a. You're just that hot you sexy bitch
b. You're a virgin princess being scarified to the volcano gods
c. You've got the flu and even though it's like 60 degrees in the room around you, you feel like you're in a goddamn sauna and you're wearing nothing but surf short and what the fuck is with these fever chills. I'm fucking burning up here, how the hell am I having chills. This is like a fucking medical mystery. I should be on House.

3. Your consistent vomiting indicates that
a. You can't say you've truly been intimate with someone until you've had to hold back their hair while their puking for three days
b. When you mix vomit and lemon air freshener the room just smells like lemony vomit
c. You've got the flu and you're lucky if you can hold down the NyQuil and Tylenol with codine you've been using to knock yourself unconscious for the past half a week

4. When you're sick soup is a great food. Do you prefer
a. Rice soup (jook) but bland because you're a fucking wimp and can barely hold down water
b. Chicken Soup but like the kind in the can because that's all you know
c. Duck soup. And let me just preface your answer by saying that contrary to what you might think, duck soup is fucking difficult to make

5. Your headaches can best be classified as
a. Mild and controllable with the right medication. like vicodin or codine
b. Migraines that hurt you so bad it's like someone peeled back your skull and bitch slapped your prefrontal cortex with a week old salmon.
c. Oh my fucking god if you don't stop chewing so loudly I swear I will duct tape your mouth soon as I can get up out of this fetal position.


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