Moderator

 I want the moderator of the next two debates to be a black grandmother with a big ass wooden spoon. Or maybe the Executioner from the Apollo theater.

Death Count

 Okay, so you know that COVID has killed >200,000, but can you tell me how many people have been killed by clowns? It could be a lot more, you should probably be worried about both.

Cans

 I haven’t, but if I was going to throw cans in a riot it wouldn’t be soup or tuna. It would be a half open can of cat food. Because then, after the people leave, you have a bunch of cats to deal with.

Pole Saws

 The pole saw is an underrated piece of equipment. I know fans of, say, Doom or zombie movies enjoy a good chainsaw, but as a practical matter, these have significant limitations on reach. 

One of those tenents of martial arts common in jeet kun do, wing chun, hsing i, etc. is distance. Using your longest weapons on your farthest opponents. 

Clearly, the pole saw, with it's superior reach and modern, cordless, brushless enhanced construction is superior, and yet the chainsaw gets all the hype.  Just sayin'

Encyclopedias

 I used to have one of those encyclopedia history books where they have the year and then a list of all the notable things in that year and a reference you could flip to find out more about that event. 

The entry for 2020 is just going o have a single bullet point labeled "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"

Text Messages

 The weird thing about having a college aged child living at home doing distanced learning for COVID is that I’m now texting “you up?” to someone at noon and in a completely non-sexual context. 

Unless a reminder to check the mail turns you on.

Thank You

 I'd like to thank Canada.

I'm not going to, because it's Canada, but I'd like to.

Hi!

 Whenever I travel, I like to call my friend Jack as I’m boarding the plane, just to say “Hi!”

Town Hall

I very badly want to see either Biden or Harris go on one of those CNN town halls with the Sesame Street characters and tell all the kids that Trump cancelled Halloween just to see how many kids will cry.

Things Science Doesn't Know

 Some things science doesn't know:

- does God exist?

- is there other intelligent life in the universe?

- what happens beyond the event horizon of a black hole?

- If time travel exists in the future and Hitler exists in the past, does that mean there was somebody worse than Hitler that someone successfully went back to kill as a baby? Like John Connor or something?

- what's the best drugs to take just because it's Monday?

- if a vampire drinks a hemophiliac's blood, is that like a normal human drinking a light beer?

- a parsec is a unit of length/distance, not time, so what the fuck is this brag about Han Solo and the Kessel run supposed to be about?

- who was the crackhead that came up with associating the Easter Bunny with eggs?

- The movie Avatar made that much fucking money, why?

- what is it that Meatloaf won't do for love?

Things Science Knows:

- the world is not flat.

- climate change exists.

If you can't get on board with at least those two basic things, the rest of the conversation with you, like your continued participation in society, is a waste of fucking time.

Political Organizaing

 Hey, who pays the Scooby Doo gang to go around solving mysteries? They don’t seem to have other incoming and neither the gas for that van nor those Scooby snacks are free. I suspect this is another Koch funded / Americans for Prosperity operation.

Tuition

 College tuition is how you find out how much you’re actually worth to your family without needing Liam Needon’s special skills.