Friday, May 29, 2009

thought of the day 2009 06 02 - special

Typically my religous views tend towards the "God doesn't pay child support, I don't see why I have to" way of thinking. But after talking with both a Mormon and a Scientologist at bus stops today...and wow, that in itself sounds like a joke. A mormon, a scientologist and an agnostic walk into a bus....but I digress. So after talking with what I would imagien are pretty well indoctrinated cultists, I have to ask, if we're all children of God, what's so fucking special about Jesus? And Xenu doesn't count.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

thought of the day 2009 06 01 - fish don't have asses

I've come to realize that land animals are generally lazy. We've developed over milleniua to become this way. If it were possible for me to sleep 12 hrs a day and still be able to afford a bed, I would probably do that. The way I figure it. And I have evoutionary proof that we're lazy. I had a giant ass. It is specifically designed by evolution or by some creator god if that's your thing, to give me a decent cushion upon which the remainder of my body may relax and kill time. Similarly with other animals. Dogs for example, hell we teach them to sit. And granted, that took some effort on our part but there was a reason for it. If we can train a dog, it can hunt for us. start with something simple like 'sit' and eventualy we get to the point where it's 'go get the paper' 'go get that dck i just shot' or 'hump Anna's leg'. One less thing we have to do. See laziness, always the laziness.

But marine creates aren't lazy and hence, no asses. Sharks don't sleep, they're constantly on the move, hunting, prowling the depths for a fish or a crab or a tourist's leg. Marine creates are inherently not lazy and this is why, at least it is my belief why, fish have no asses.

oh you have a humpback whale, but first off, that's a whale, and even then, no giant ass. When was the last time you saw a dolphin chilling out in a recliner?

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

thought of the day 2009 05 27 - rules to pass on to my kid(s)

I like rules. I don't necessarily like to follow all of them but in general I like rules. They set clear boundaries and expectations. You know that when you decide to break a rule something bad is going to happen. I like to think that someday I'll pass along a few rules to my kids.

For example, I'd prefer it if you don't smoke weed. And if you do smoke weed, always make sure you have snacks on hand BEFORE you light up. There's nothing worse than someone who's too fucking lazy to order a pizza forgetting that his friend is stoned and keeps confusing anchovies and pepperoni.

Second, don't do LSD. It's just bad. Seriously. Don't do LSD. If you ever get the desire to know what it feels like to be on LSD, go watch the final couple episodes of Lost. You will be just a confused, just as mentally unstable, and at the end of it, you'll walk away questioning what you think you just saw, and wondering what in the fuck just happened. Go watch the end of Lost and you will know what it feels like to be tripping on acid. It is not a good feeling my son.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

not fun

At first I thought maybe I was just sick, but then I remembered the first rule of eating Mexican food: if it's coming out both ends, it's probably food poisoning.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

thought of the day 2009 05 31 - drugs

So I'm talking with a friend of mine about drug dependency. Things like anti-depressents. And she's opposed to, or afraid of having to be on some kind of medications long term. And I have to admit I have the same concern but I'm more concerned by the fact that any kinds of meds that I have to take now are 1) expensive 2) have crazy side effects and 3) are way less fun that the illicit kind.

First off, I knew the side effects of the drugs I tried. Munchies does not seem like an overly bad side effect to me.

Second, does it seem odd to anyone else that basically your doctor has turned into your dealer only it's harder to schedule and appointment with your doctor. Hell I can call up Dave and go, "dude?" and he can meet me in like 15 minutes, I don't give a shit where I am. It's crazy. When I schedule a docotr's appointment, I have to schedule like two months in advance and if I have to cancel I have to give 24 hours notice or they fucking charge me for the visit. What kind of bullshit is that?

Third, my copay is ridiculous. Hell the last time I went to fill a perscription it was $65 because my dosage was so low that the amount were giving me was a two month supply so it was outside the bounds of my insurance. Wait, so I need less of the drug and it lasts longer so you're going ot charge me....more??? What fucking bullshit is that?!?!?!?!

Hell $65 I can score enough weed for what I call a nice weekend. Granted, it's not a two month supply but I don't have to remember to bring my fucking insurance card either.

thought of the day 2009 05 30 - runners

So I just came up with a way to get a completely legal performance enhancing drug in the sport of running. Particularly marathon running. Give the runners viagra, then have a lead car filled with porn stars about 15 ft. in front of the runners.

The only problem is that they'd be a little less areodynamic.

thought of the day 2009 05 29 - going green

Okay so granted, I don't drive, but I am totally in favor of ethanol. From a practical perspective, it's probably not a good idea. It causes prices of grain to go up and makes my morning less of a balanced breakfast because fucking Cheerios are expensive. But there is one great upside to ethanol as a fuel source: it's pure grain alcohol.

Open container laws are completely out the window at this point. Fuck me being drunk. My car will run on pure alcohol. I will have a fucking alcoholic car. No officer, that's not a bottle of Everclear, that's my emergency gas can. So why is it mixed with orange juice? Oh, I'm just trying to make sure my car gets a balanced breakfast.

thought of the day 2009 05 28 - war on terror

Iraq and Afghanistan were in the news again. It appears the NATO countries in Europe are pulling support more and more. Does it strike anyone else ad kind of a bad idea to be fighting in a war where the fucking Germans aren't enthusiastically trying to kill people?

thought of the day 2009 05 25 - vice presidents

It's become imcredibly clear to me that Joe Biden is pretty much useless. Therefore I propose the following, in the 2012 election, the vice presidential running mate should be chosen by an all star season of American Idol. Think about it: the chance of having Clay Aiken as the second in line when a white supremist group tries to kill Obama. Is that not just the best idea ever? Plus on a off chance you might get that Jasmine girl, so you have a President and a Vice President who grew up in Hawaii. It'll give hope to all the little Hawaiian kids that they can grow up to be something other than cops, firefighters and likely diabetics.

thought of the day 2009 05 24 - OJ

Okay, so on a whim I just read the OJ book, "If I Did It"

Is it just me or, when you're acquitted of murder and you decide to write a book called "if I did it", is that not just the dumbest fucking thing on the planet to do? I'm pretty sure there's a retarded kid somewhere going, "wow, that's just dumb."

thought of the day 2009 05 23 - fun acronyms pt. 2

So in addition to
SNAFU, then FUMTU then finally FUBAR, I heard one more a couple of days ago:

SAPFU - Surpassing all previous fuck ups.

thought of the day 2009 05 26 - dating a jew

I think that up until March, I was dating a Jewish girl. I never made any decisions and we got to eat Chinese food for Christmas dinner.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

thought of the day 2009 05 22 - fun acronyms

You all probably know the acronym SNAFU (Situation Normal All Fucked Up) and perhaps even FUBAR (Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition). Someone shared a new one with me the other day and I thougth I'd share. FUMTU = Fucked up More Than Usual.

Monday, May 18, 2009

thought of the day 2009 05 19 - facebook

So apparently Facebook thinks I need a date. Quite frankly I find it disturbing that my social networking sites are that interested in my sex and/or personal life. If I want a system that lets me keep in touch with friends, I then go to those friends when I want advice in dating. I don't want Tom from MySpace or the Facebook team to decide that my singleness is worthy of their attention. I mean hell, I have to figure that the bunch of nerd that created the site and maintain the network get enough flak about their own fucking dating. What is this, 'share the pain' day?

Look, when I'm damn good and ready I'll get over Di leaving and start dating again. A dry spell means you have to be trying. If I'm not putting myself out there, that's my fucking decision and quite frankly websites should be keeping to their own damn business.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

thought of the day 2009 05 21 - selling like hotcakes

I sppreciate a stack of buttermilk just as much as the next guy. Throw in some bacon and maple syrup and it is on. It is on like the chemical element with atomic weight 54, Xenon...and wow do I sound like a nerd... but I digress.

Okay so yeah, I like pancakes, but I have a hard time with the phrase "selling like hotcakes" if only because I have a hard time thinking that hotcakes really sell all that well. I mean even ihop sells things besies pancakes. if they really sold all that well you could probably make a business just from that. And what about syrup? Why not "selling like syrup? Nobody's going to eat a hotcake plain. I mean occasionally I'll just throw butter on there because butter is awesome and that can be churned by an Amish girl is just fun to think about, but if hotcakes were really selling all that well, you'd think syrup would have come into the mix there somewhere right?

Perhaps it's just that syrup needs better marketing.

thought of the day 2009 05 20 - you are what you eat

They say you are what you eat. And even though I'm not exactly sure who "they" is, over the past weekend I went to three buffet's in a row. Granted they were good and I ate damn well, but still I'm pretty sure I'm going to be crapping my body weight from a week ago....and I might have accidentally eaten a baby...or a midget, it's a little difficult to tell. Either way it was pretty tasty.

thought of the day 2009 05 16 - graduation

So I attended this graduation ceremony today for advanced degrees (masters, phd, jd, md, post-bach teaching certificates, etc. Here's the thing, I want to say something witty about PhD degrees and since they're Philosophical, are they real? Or are they just bullshit little imaginary tokens philosophised about by PhD cantidates,

Or perhaps something snarky alluding to the fact that really PhD really just means you sat around that thought about shit a lot. But I'm too fucking tired. A lunch thing, a 2 1/2 hr. ceremony and a three hour dinner that I am just now getting back from. And here's the kicker, not only was this an entirely wasted fucking day. I mean I could have been doing laundry, I could have taken a fucking nap, hell I could have shot myself in the throat and it would have been, for any objective sense of the term, a more productive day. Not only was this thing a giant fucking waste of time..what's worse, I dished out cash for this thing. Now I'm actually paying to be driven near the point of insanity.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

thought of the day 2009 05 18 - Jesus Christ as Power Forward

What is it about professional sports that makes players thank God after a win? It doesn't seem to make much sense. I mean in the first place, if it was simply a matter of prayer, you don't need coaches, you need clergy. And then you couldn't chalk the loss up to the fact that your point guard is fucking useless, it was because you just didn't play... I mean, pray hard enough. And it's not like Jesus played basketball anyway. How in the hell can you hope to get a rebound wearing robes and sandals? It would look totally awesome when dunking though. I bet that Nike would have totally sponsored him. You know what woulda made more money than Michael Jordan? Air Jesus.

Oh and in case your wondering, the Holy Ghost would probably be a Hoya's fan.

thought of the day 2009 05 17 - The 60's

I'm a bit too young for it but I have to imagine that I'd have been awesome in the 60's. And I have to give a nod to whatever creative genius invente the concept of 'free love'. Some people are ahead of their time, I was just a couple of decades too late for awesomeness

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

thought of the day 2009 05 15 - Martinis

I usually drink scotch but last night I went out with a classmate who was back in town and had a lychee martini. 1) any fruit based martini is now officially a chick drink. Don't get me wrong, I could probably get a good buzz going but it was definitely a chick drink. B) and more importantly, what asshole invented the martini glass? Was this thing purposely designed for you not to be able to drink from it properly?

Wine glasses, highballs, these are glasses designed for drinking out of, you can actually tilt the fucking thing without spilling part of the drink. Now I know you're supposed to sip a martini but seriously, how are you supposed to be able to sip it without tilting the fucking glass? it's like the only way to drink from the fucking glass is to imitate a bird and act like you're trying to catch a fish from a pond. This is just goddamn absurd.

Oh and incidentally all you James Bond fans can suck it. A martini should be made stirred not shaken. When it's shaken it fucks with the gin. Plus it breaks the ice into smaller bits so it melts faster. So Mr. Bond was being all badass but watering down his drinks and making the gin taste like crap.

I think the next time I get a martini I'm going to ask that the bartender pour the fucking drink into a highball so I can actually drink it instead of spill half of it on my shirt.

Monday, May 11, 2009

thought of the day 2009 05 14 - savants

So I'm reading this book Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell and he talks for part of the book about savants (think Rain Man). But he also notes that pretty much anyone can become an expert at anything by spending 10,000 hrs. on that activity.

In some sense I have to agree but I also have to disagree. See, here's the thing. I would say that over the course of my lifetime, I've probably spent more than 10,000 spanking it, and I do have to say, I'm pretty fucking awesome at getting myself off. I would, in fact, go so far as to say that I'm an expert on it.

But I would also have to disagree because I'm pretty sure I was an expert at it long before I hit the 10,000 hr. mark. In fact in just a couple of practice sessions I'd say I had pretty much mastered masturbation.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

thought of the day 2009 05 13 - naked rule

So the last time I got laid was back in March before Di left. Here's the thing, at some point before she left I guess I said that I'd take a vacation and go up to California to visit her. I don't remember this at all. I'm pretty sure it happened while she was naked and quite frankly that's just not fair. New rule:

Anything a guy says while a woman is naked doesn't count.

We simply do not remember. Boobs are like hypnosis. You do whatever you're told to and as soon as the top goes back on you wake up and don't remember a thing.

thought of the day 2009 05 12 - walruses...walri...what the fuck is the plural of walrus???

So I'm watching the Discovery Channel...I fucking love the Discovery Channel. Deadliest Catch is awesome, not so thrilled about the thought of a cameraman in brush trying to capture film of wildebeests fucking. For one thing it's wildebeests fucking, but besides that it just seems voyeuristic...but I digress..

So I'm watching the Discovery Channel and there's these walruses...walri...what the fuck is the plural form of walrus? whatever, there's these walri on and they have the long tusks and it's impressive but the whole time all I can thing is "Jesus didn't your mom teach you not to run with sharp objects!" I mean Christ, have you seen how long walrus tusks are, you could poke an eye out with those things.

Is that bad though? I mean I'm watching this thing about how ice is melting and polar bears are starving and walri....wait fuck I need to Google this...okay walruses don't have any food and blah, blah, blah. There are two phrases running through my head

1) you could poke an eye out with those things
2) I am the eggman, they are the eggmen, I am the walrus, goo goo ga joob.

thought of the day 2009 05 11 - Dr.'s Scholl and Pepper vs. Judge Pibb

I'm going to imagine that Dr. Scholl was probably a doctor, perhaps a podiatrist, but I have to wonder about Dr. Pepper. I mean I can see a PhD, but not really an MD. Maybe a PhD in chemistry? Sociology I can see, Dr. Pepper seems like the type that could handle sociology.

See the way I figure, Dr. Pepper isn't really all that awesome so he's probably not very rich, so med school seems like a stretch. Unless he got into med school on the GI bill in which case he would have had to at some time been in the service. So it's entirely likely he would have at some point been Sgt. Pepper.

I don't really know where this is going I'm just much more impressed by the Beatles than by the soda that's a half notch above Mr. Pibb. And how come if the two soda's taste pretty much the same, Mr. Pibb couldn't get some kind of real title? I mean if we have a Dr. Pepper, why not a Mr. John A. Pibb Esq. or a Judge Pibb. I think referring to a soda as "your honor" would be a pretty big respect for a soft drink, right?

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Thought of the day 2009 05 10 - Sliced Bread vs. TP

I was buying shoes today, my old ones finally wore out the soles. So there's this lady buying laces for her kid and it's the curly bungee laces so the kids don't have to tie them. And she says that these laces are "the best thing since sliced bread."

Now to be honest I'm pretty sure George Carlin has a rant about this but none the less....

What the fuck is so special about sliced bread? How difficult of a concept is it to slice fucking bread? Loaf of bread? Check. Knife? Check. SLICE THE FUCKING THING! In what possible way is this some great idea? It seems fairly logical to me.

So I have instead adopted the phrase "next best thing since toilet paper." That to me is way better than sliced bread. I mean twigs and leaves can probably get the job done but how big of a deal is it to be able to walk around without poo on your hands?

I mean worse case scenario with bread, you rip off a chunk and you still got bread, but how awkward of a job interview would it be if you had to shake hands with a potential employer and toilet paper didn't exist?

Tuesday, May 05, 2009


For the past few years we've been hearing a lot about the developing economies of Brazil, Russia, India and China, collectively known as the BRIC nations. I have to ask though, who came up with that acronym? According to Wikipedia the term was coined by Goldman Sachs but I have to say I'm not impressed. If Goldman could have written a few reports in parody of MTV CRIBs that would be much cooler. Besides, if you think about it reorganizing the initials in the acronym would make more sense economically. China because they have so many people and their "Chinatown" francises have been a hit in just about major city in the world, Russia because they still have nukes, get to stick it to the rest of Europe and drink a lot (let's face it, they're basically Texas with more snow), India because currey is awesome but not eating cows is just wrong and Brazil last because I like corned beef as much as the next guy, but the only good thing to come out of Brazil is the caipirinha. So if you rank them in order of importance you can spell CRIB and stary writing rap lyrics about developing nations.


So I'm testing codecs on the new laptop watching clips of random youtube videos and up pops Disney's the Little Mermaid. Now I have to say, for a half fish she's hot. Plus I have a thing for redheads. But I have to ask, how would one have sex with a traditional mermaid? I can understand the inverse mermaid (top half fish, bottom half woman) but that's not really something I'd like to think about and both halves smell kinda fishy.

Sunday, May 03, 2009


I think my next career choice will be to work at Starbucks. The only problem I have with it is that I don't know how to make a latte. Basically there's coffee and then there's coffee with room for cream.