Thursday, December 29, 2011


When I die, I want to be cremated. Not because I'm too cheap to buy a plot or whatever, but on the off chance the zombie apocalypse happens a week or two after I die I don't want to come back and bite somebody's face off.


How in the hell does soap get dirty? I realize the bar has been sitting there kind of a while, but it's goddamn soap. It is, by definition, clean. I realize it's not magic, if I buried it in mud, I don't expect the pile to sparkle, but still, it's fucking SOAP.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Last minute shopping and impulse buys

The great thing about Best Buy is that it's not like other stores. Unlike a regular store where an impulse buy waiting in line a checkout is a pack of gum or a bottle of soda, at Best Buy it's a goddamn smartphone or a $100 Cuisinart.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

New Glasses

new I have to get used to bifocals.

Thank God for Advil. Preventing eyewear induced headaches with a candy coating for...however the hell long they've been around

Sunday, December 18, 2011


My son just tried to run a game on me, telling me he already opened the Christmas present I gave him so that I would tell him what's in it. Seriously? He expected that to work? Come on, I've got the experience advantage in this area, I lie to my customers on a daily basis. You can't possibly think that would work? What am I, a fucking Bond villian?

Part of me is happy, like I thwarted some great attempt to get one over on me, proving that I will remain superior to the younger generation forever. And then part of me dreads the fact that my son's generation will one day rule the planet and he can't even outsmart me, which is highly disturbing.

I mean honestly, I like knowing that you can't pull one over on me, but I dislike the fact that my well being in my waning years will be determined by someone who can quote Bruno Mars lyrics...and I don't even know who the hell Bruno Mars is.

Fuck trees. They're overrated.

Why do I use so much paper? Because if I don't the trees win.

Friday, December 09, 2011


I'm so old that when I was a kid, we didn't have to worry about Y2K, but everyone was concerned about updating their sun dials during the big BC / AD shift.

Thursday, December 01, 2011

Teachable Moments

I realize that Starbucks isn’t really a kids place, but I always take my son there. I believe it’s educational. Every time you walk in there, it’s a teachable moment about what happens to you when you get a fucking liberal arts education.

I Weep For The Future of Society

What the hell is the world going to do when Kevin Bacon dies? No more six-degrees of Kevin Bacon. Do you realize how hard it is to connect Kevin Bacon to Justin Beiber already? Imagine how hard that’s going to be in 20 years. Thus I predict the dissolution of civil society.