Burglars

 I do not remember the last time I bought sour cream. I just found an unopened container of sour cream in my fridge. I thought burglars just take shit. Is there a rash of home invasions where burglars are leaving random stuff in random fridges? 

No? That's not a thing?

FUUUUUUUCK.

Office365

 I’m not sure if that’s an outage with Microsoft Office365 or if I’m fired and this is how they want to notify me.

I’m also not sure which would make me happier.

But for the love of fuck can someone explain to me why both incels and Excel keeping thinking something is a date when it goddamn isn't?

Debt

 Student loan debt is fine and all, but I've seen how some of you act and way more of you should be in debt to a therapist.

Declassified

 I steal Starbucks napkins but it’s fine because I declassified all of them first.

Twist the knife

 Fuuuuuck, I know my birthday is coming up but the HR group at work sending me an email about an upcoming AARP-sponsored event seems a bit….knife twisty.