Tuesday, December 30, 2014


Sometimes I think that if sea creatures had hands most of them would be constantly flipping me off.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

After-Christmas Sale

How come the people who say "I know how to keep it classy" rarely keep it classy? Also, Most of the people walking around the mall with Victoria's Secret bags, I would never want to see wearing anything from that store.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014


With the kid I have I tend to err on the side of honesty, but if I should have another kid I think it would be interesting to lie to him or her and see how long it lasts. And I don't mean like Santa or the Tooth Fairy. I mean like explaining that many, many years ago there were unicorns, but humans hunted them nearly to extinction. So the unicorns had to evolve to live in the ocean where it was harder for humans to find them; which is how the narwhal came to be. I bed I could keep that lie rolling through at least middle school.


Kangaroos have three vaginae. Why is that relevant? It’s not (unless you’re a kangaroo….or trying to f$ck one) but neither are Facebook and Twitter and Instagram, yet you seem to be all over those.Incidentally, you could spell it either way, as vagina or vaginae, but I think my spell-check has a penchant for the Latin.


I think we need more bullying in schools. If it’s true that the nerdy kids who were mercilessly ridiculed in school grew up to be the smartest scientists and most creative minds, then we need to institute more bullying to make sure that younger generations have the flying car I’ve always wanted and a Daily Show to watch so they aren’t left with just spin-offs of NCIS. I mean really, the idea that the Navy has that much crime, is a little disturbing. There's only like 325,000 active duty Navy personnel. They should be investigating why such a small percentage of the population has so much crime.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Quarter Pounder

Usually if you’re going to have an organ removed, you can at least make jokes about weight. Like it’s some insurance subsidized holiday diet. Thing is, a gallbladder weighs like a quarter of a pound when it’s full. So even though I can’t actually eat a quarter pounder without throwing up for four hours and feeling like I’ve been punched in the kidneys, I also can’t make the dumb weight loss jokes. Once this stupid thing comes out I’m going to eat an entire fired chicken just for spite. No, scratch that, I’m going to have them weigh my gallbladder, then I’m going to get a burger that weighs like two or three times that and eat it in less time than it takes to cook it.

Saturday, December 20, 2014


Everyone thinks they're great in bed. I do not avail myself of such overestimations as I failed the parallel parking portion of that exam.

Thursday, December 18, 2014


They're independent and generally don't function well in groups, but sometimes I think that if cats got their act together and organized, we might be driven into the ocean. I would also appreciate it if they would stop doing whatever it is they're doing outside of my window at 2 AM.

Monday, December 15, 2014


You can use “fishy” to describe something that’s suspicious. You can use “beefy” to describe a weightlifter or something with heft. You can use “porky” to describe Wayne Knight in Jurassic Park, but there’s not really any use for the term “chickeny”. You could use the words bullshit, horseshit, or chicken-shit as descriptors, but fish-shit isn’t a thing, although I think it should be. Well, I mean, it’s a thing in that it exists, but not as an adjective. These sorts of inconsistencies in language make we wonder if we all wouldn’t be better off learning Esperanto. Or Klingon, which is basically just German for nerds. Also, how come sheep get left out of this whole mess of adjectival domesticated animals? What makes them so sheep-f@#king special? See, it doesn’t work. 

Friday, December 12, 2014


Bitten by radioactive spiders, cosmic rays, screw that. I want to see a superhero who gets an emergency blood transfusion from like a sloth, or a panda. Half the time it would just be people trying to get him to reproduce, the other half would be watching him eat.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014


If you don't believe in racial profiling, think about how you would react to a black sushi chef.

Sunday, December 07, 2014


I'm not saying that the things I learned in school are useless, I'm just saying that my life would not have suffered greatly if I didn't know what a haiku was.

Saturday, December 06, 2014


How is meteorologist still a job you can be on TV for? Everything you can do I can do with a free app on my phone. Yet for some reason you get daily broadcast airtime? Something seems wrong here.