Monday, May 29, 2006

If I could go back to college.....

You take a look at college's these days and you just wish you could go back and have your college offer that stuff now. Some of you may know that I work in technology. I've done programming in the past and right now game programming is huge. A large part of game programming is also a large part of my normal distraction on a day to day basis: the physics of boobs. Think about that one now, Lara Croft, the vampire chick with the red hair that Uwe made the horrible movie from, any beach volleyball game, the hot coffee mod for GTA, all related to boob physics.

Can you imagine the senior thesis that comes with a degree in Physics or Computer Science with an emphasis on boobs? Oh my fucking God! And you know that one of my grant proposals would have to include $1500 in one dollar bills for "research." If only the kids in college would relize the possibilities they have....sigh....

My BEST idea yet

I hereby copyright, trademark, patent and register all rights over my most impressive idea EVER.

a bookstore with a bar.

Hear me out. You meet lots of interesting people in a bookstore. Usually either really smart people or really dumb (but good looking) people hoping to get smarter. But a bookstore, if they have anything besides books, usually have a coffee shop. You can sit there and sip your latte but that isn't going to help get the cute redhead skimming through The Da Vinci Code, to end up naked on your couch. Bar in a bookstore. I'm fucking brilliant.

If the terrorists really wanted to hurt us, they'd bomb Colombia

I've come to a realization at work, that all American business is based on the work of poor Latin Americans. Not the illegal typs that get smuggled across the border in car trunks and 50 gallon drums of frijoles negros; no, specifically, the kind that grow, pick and process coffee. If it weren't for Juan Valdez and his donkey, no fucking work would get done at all in America.

You can't conduct a business interview without coffee. You can't start a day in some piece of shit cubicle without downing a hot cup of java. Shit, I can't even stay awake in a meeting without adding a little methamphetamine to my daily dose of artificial sleep.

So really, if the terrorists wanted to hurt us, wanted to cripple our economy, they would blow the fuck out of Colombia. Instead of growing opium poppies to make heroin, they would burn down all the coffee farms across the world. If Starbucks couldn't get it's supply of beans to provide the non-fat, no whip mochacino all productivity in the US would come to a dead fucking halt. Or better yet, maybe instead of flying planes into the WTC, they should have flown them into Starbucks. Though I do have to admit, it would take a lot of airplanes to bomb every single street corner in Seattle.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Republican gators kill people

If a state elects a Republican Governor or votes Republican for the President it's a Republican state. States are also responsible for the wildlife that resides there. So does that make all the sharks and alligators in Florida Republicans? And if so, when they maim or kill people, does that mean people are killed by Republicans?

Go Pope Yourself!

"Pope" can be used to replace almost any swear word in almost any usage. "Go Pope yourself", "son of a Pope!", "you're so full of Pope", "Goddamn motherPopers"

You should try it. It's amusing.

Worst Job Ever

I think that in the long term, probably the worst job I can imagine is being a plastic surgeon who does breast implants. I mean, it would be an interesting conversation starter at parties but other than that, it's a total downer. First off, I would hate to come to work day in and day out and get stressed out about breasts. It would totally ruin the appeal of breasts and I would really hate to ruin something like that. Plus, it's not like you could enjoy them at all. Women come in wanting to impress their husbands or boyfriends or girlfriends, whatever. So if you're any good at your job, you're bestowing a great gift on someone else that you can't even enjoy afterwards. And all that stuff about a job well done being it's own rewards is total bullshit.

Personality and Dating

I've heard women say that they look for personality in men. That they go for the funny ones. That's crap. I can prove it too. Put a short, fat, bald guy with a good sense of comic timing next to a tall, dark and handsome guy with a speech impediment and 999.8 times out of 1000 short, fat and, bald loses. That's why Tom Cruise got Nicole Kidman and Tom Arnold got Roseanne Barr. There are two exceptions to this. First, if the guy has truckloads of money and might die soon and secondly, if the woman has worse eyesight than me.

Stealing gospel music

Do kids who steal gospel music on the internet go to hell? If they do, are they forced to listen to New Age music and Yanni albums and Radio Disney for all eternity?

The goodamn sun needs a switch

I know I don't get enough sleep at night. This morning after the sun came up I spent five minutes walking around my apartment trying to find the switch to turn the sunlight off.

Mormons and Heavevn vs. Hell

So I had these two Mormon missionaries come and visit me they told me there isn't really a hell just sort of different levels of heaven. So when they die they go to a "good heaven". But a non-Mormon, like a Jew or something goes to lame heaven, which I guess isn't really Hell, but is sort of like Heck. I still not sure I grasp all the details but from what I gather, in good heaven you get like a dozen wives and a large house and all the good stuff. Except that I'm not mormon so even if I'm a good person I go mediocre heaven which is probably something like one wife and maybe a kid in a decent two bedroom apartment. Except that I probably haven't been all that good so I'll probably end up with two ex-wives, a girlfriend and maybe a steady hooker if I haven't been a total asshole.

Clinton is still a pimp.

If a Bill Clinton got a really really dark tan, would he be considered blacker than Colin Powell?

I need to go get breakfast

I wonder if lions think of human babies the way humans think of veal

God Should be a substitute teacher

Okay. God created the heavens and the earth in six days and on the seventh day he rested. What the hell is this?!?!?!? What is God doing resting? He's omnipotent he shouldn't need a nap! If God needs to rest then he's not so bloody omnipotent is he? And if he doesn't need to rest what the hell is he doing resting? What a slacker. Dude makes everything in six days, has the rest of eternity to enact his master plan and he decides to kick back and have a beer and a nap?!?!? If this is how to be God-like, fine with me, I can slack off with the best of them, but it's really going to screw over a lot of Protestants and Mormons. So in order to be God-like, we should all be slackers. I mean really, if I wanted an omnipotent being who took breaks whenever he chose, I hire a substitute teacher or something.

I figured out my problem

I think I've figured out my problem. too many people piss me off. Like Yanni fans.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

I know nothing

I got a little sampler of different cigars today from a guy I did some work for. It came with a little note that said to let him know which ones I like and he'd get me a box of those. Very nice except 1) I don't smoke and 2) I know nothing about cigars except where not to put them when I'm President.