Monday, October 27, 2014


When I go into a restaurant and there's only skinny people working there I get worried that the food is going to suck. Except when I'm getting Korean barbeque. For some reason it's just a couple of skinny Korean girls working the counter but the food is good and the portions are the size of like half a skinny Korean girl.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014


Saw a flyer yesterday that said "No meansno" and before I could process it as "oh this person doesn't know how to use spellcheck" or "you're blind there's probably a space there" my brain had enough time to go through "Hm, I wonder if that's like MSG or gluten or something. Oh crap, please don't let meansno become another dumb ass fad that people are allergic to. It's called natural selection. We're just skimming the gene pool. Now I'm kind of hungry. I want a taco. I wonder if that's a flyer for a new Mexican place." It was not a flyer for a new Mexican place and I was disappointed.

Saturday, October 18, 2014


This might seem a bit cynical but I get the sense that kids generally act like little assholes. So when I get older I’m not going to tell them to “get off my lawn.” They wouldn’t listen anyway; in fact they’d probably dance around on my lawn just to be little assholes. Instead I’m going to yell at kids to get ON my lawn. Walking by, they would hear me yell “get on my lawn” and they’d start heading towards my lawn but they’d do a double take, like “wait, what did he say?” And they’d stand there for a couple seconds contemplating things, then they’d walk away muttering something about the crazy old guy.

Whether that will just confuse them or cause them to question my intentions doesn’t really matter. It’ll end up the same way, with them leaving me the fuck alone.

Except for that one kid that had some weird intuitive sense of “hey, he’s like reverse psychologying us”. That kid I could befriend and teach all sorts of life lessons and whatnot. I’d be like that guy in Up.

And then, with my house floating up into the sky, I’d push the kid out the door and yell “get on my lawn!!!!!!!”

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Online Dating

The thing about online dating is that I don’t really believe that a service has any particular interest in finding real matches. Any time they succeed, they lose two customers. You don’t go to a restaurant expecting that if you have a good meal you’re not coming back. The entire premise of the business is counter to a successful business model.


There are some days I wish I could give people diseases through email. Not cancer or anything necessarily fatal, but at least something like syphilis or maybe Ebola.


I had a nice time at the beach with the kid this past weekend. Though every time I saw him take a mouthful of water I wanted to remind him, that’s where all the fish poop.


“Mouth like a sailor”? Really? Yeah, well, fuck you. What’s wrong with that? If you had to deal with 40 ft. waves and fucking pirates day in and day out, all the while surround by a shit ton of water you can’t drink and sharks, you’d be fucking swearing too.

Thursday, October 09, 2014


In this modern world, you have dozens of means of communication available. You do NOT need me to pass along your "best" to someone else.  I don't really know her that well anyway and only have a passing, cordial relationship with her. You wouldn't get me involved in passing your syphilis to her, leave me the fuck out of passing along your best and make a damn call on your own. If you're too goddamn lazy to do it, don't expect me to you inconsiderate douche. Fucking text if you need to, I know that your generation has decided a telephone making an actual telephone call is a dumb idea, but then again, I half expect your entire generation to believe a potato can be used as a contraceptive. Look, the point is, I'm not your fucking messenger. You want to send someone your best you don't need me in the middle of that conversation, I'd just get in the way.