Tuesday, November 29, 2011


There's actually a town named Surprise in New York and another Surprise in Arizona.

Personally, I can't imagine who would live in either of those towns, but I certainly know how Surprise, AZ got its name. Some guy got shitfaced drunk in Vegas and got married. By the time he sobered up he was in the middle of fucking nowhere, he turns over elbows his soon to be ex-wife awake and says "where the hell am I and who are you?" and in an appropriately hung over state she yells "Surprise. Arizona!"

A Scientific Study of Weather

Weather’s in the 60’s here in Hawaii. I actually prefer the chillier weather to the hot. In part because I’m overweight and therefore better insulated, but also because when it gets cold you can always add more layers but when it’s really hot, there’s a limit to how naked you can get. On a related note, as a believer in the scientific theory, I’m available any evening to test that theory with a willing female researcher

Thursday, November 17, 2011

On further reflection

Upon further reflection, I have to ask, why aren't there plastic surgeons for animals? Pit bulls are fucking ugly dogs. And I have to imagine there's a wallaby about there who wants calf implants so he could be a little taller and maybe be able to dunk.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011


What the fuck is special about seminarians? I like animals, but there’s no way that an animal doctor can be that smart. Humans have all kinds of specialists. There are whole specialties devoted to just single parts of the human body. There are doctors who devote their entire lives to just feet. People feet. And people only have two of them. You’re telling me one doctor has the capacity for all sorts of different animals? Cats, dogs, whatever. Two feet, four feet, any number of feet, one guy knows it all. Fish don’t even have feet. I call bullshit.

Litters of puppies, kittens, calves of various types, eggs of various types and this one profession is supposed to cover it. You can’t possibly be that good in that many areas. Either it’s a scam or the people doctors are just slackers. “What brain surgery. Sure you can do that on people, but I can perform a bypass on an Emu and then do an appendectomy on an ocelot. Top that bitch.”

Friday, November 11, 2011

Teaching Slides

Fine my PowerPoint slides suck. I know they do, I just don’t have anything better. Would you prefer that I ditch the slides and teach this class through the medium of interpretive modern dance?