Sunday, January 24, 2010


Ah bacon you are the world's perfect food. If I could eat bacon wrapped bacon I would. You are trully the food that makes other foods taste better. You are the Oscar winning Best Sipporting Actor of food. What Scottie Pippen was to the Bulls you are to me fridge  

Saturday, January 23, 2010

I got a sports injury

If you get an injury playing Wii fit or Tony Hawk, does it still count as  a sports injury? Can you at least go see a sports medicine doctor?


I guess when I was younger I kind of wanted to be that like Football or Basketball team captain, like the hotter guy, so that when girls saw me they'd be all "look at him. I could take him home and do nasty things to him all night."

Problem is, I have ridiculously bad vision. I mean seriously. Glasses like the Hubble goddamn telescope. So when I meet a girl it's more like "look at him. I could take him home and he could fix my computer and setup my WiFi in like a hour."

And as things worked out, I could setup and secure your wireless LAN in half an hour. Sadly, that is not a euphemism.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Anderson Cooper

So a friend and former speech student of mine is somewhat enamored with Anderson Cooper for saving a kid from a riot. Let me just say Anderson Cooper is a tool. Don't get me wrong, he's a good looking tool, by comparison I'm basically a blind, shaved, albino monkey but he's still a tool.

And he's on the same network as Wolf Blitzer and Wolf Blitzer scares me. He seems looks like your typical hairy older reporter, but with a name like Wolf Blitzer you know there's some family history there. Like psychotic parents. If you name a kid Wolf Blitzer he should be an Air Force pilot dropping bombs on the North Vietnamese or driving a column of tanks across a Kuwaiti border to launch sabot rounds at statues of Saddam.

But you'd think there'd be one redeeming quality right? Like maybe he's related to Alice Cooper. No, actually he's a Vanderbilt, but that only makes him more of a tool. I was just reading a biography of Cornelius Vanderbilt, dude was a good business man but a total asshole when it came to business. He fucked over his partners a bunch of times. To the point of driving more than a few of them to bankruptcy. It's actually a neat story, Except that it goes on to Anderson Cooper WHO'S A TOTAL TOOL!

Okay, fuck, if I wasn't drunk right now, I would have just said "Alice Cooper" and it would be all "ha ha ha" and shit. MORE BUSHMILLS. Here's one to Anderson Cooper, may he one day save a baby from being eaten by a dingo.

Monday, January 18, 2010


What does it say about our society that we can find shelters for homeless animals but not for homeless people? I mean how fucked up is that? On the other hand, we do put down stray animals, so maybe we should just make homeless people hang around with OJ Simpson and go hunting with Dick Cheney.

bombs on planes

Here's the thing with trying to smuggle bombs in your clothes. It's boring. I mean if you're a terrorist, have some creativity. You've got shoe bombers, bombs in pants. What these people need are fashion designers. I bet if you got like Chanel to design a line of terrorist clothes, she could jazz it up some. What they really need is like a Victoria's Secret line of explosive lingerie. 'cause I'd love to see someone try and smuggle four pounds of C4 in a thong. Try to smuggle explosives in a half a cubic inch of fabric bitches.

Mark McGuire

Was it really that much of a surprise that McGuire admitted to using steroids? I mean shit, I'm damn near blind and it was pretty fucking obvious to me.

All this really tells us is that we need two baseball leagues. I want one league for the normal people and then I want to see how good the juiced up people can do. New baseball league: people vs robots.

More airport security

I think the next time someone tries to smuggle a bomb in their pants, at the very least, they should have a sense of humor about it. Make it so that to trigger the bomb you have to pull my finger.

Harry Reid

Look, I don't much give a shit, but why rag on Harry Reid? What if he had said "cracker with a tan?"


On this day celebrating the life and achievements of Martin Luther King it's important to remember that having Obama in charge is not like having a black friend. You can't go over to like Haiti or Cape Town and be all "no, it's cool. I've got a black President." It doesn't work that way. Harry Reid this means you my Negro

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

online dating

The thing about being single is that you have to look. One of the places you have to look is the online. So like eHarmony or Which is basically like online shopping for a relationship. And what that means is one more website to bookmark. You have eBay for auctions, for books, Zappo's for shoes, Craigslist for weird sex, eHarmony for relationships.

The thing you have to watch out for is size. Like when you buy a shirt or a pair of pants online you don't have a chance to try them on to make sure they fit. And it's the same with dating online. Right now I have my eye on this pair of Yoga instructors....

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Increased Airport Security

So here's the thing, being that I've been pretty much getting none since....well longer than I'd care to admit, and being that the last time I had to travel the TSA aget checking my ticket was a pretty cute blond: with all the increased airport security, can I request a pat down? Or at least some extra security screening. I'm okay with pretty much anything as long as the full body search is mutual.

Sunday, January 10, 2010


Okay, so what the hell is with Walmart being some kind of social experience? It's like people are just hanging out in the store. I go in for a couple of bowls, a bottle of vinegar and a box of popcorn and it takes me half an hours. There's fucking shopping cart traffic in walmart to the point that it needs fucking stoplights and right of way signs. I mean really people, since when the hell is this consumer bastion of the phrase "made in China" the hot place to be hanging out?!?!?!?!?

Thursday, January 07, 2010

I ammend my previous statement

After having just gotten off the phone in a conversation best described as "awkward" (oh and you have to say it with that upwards inflection) I revise my definition of my perfect woman. I've decided I'd like a girl who only loves me for my money, but sucks at math.

And I tell you what, it's a damn good plan. The line of women would be long. So long they couldn't even count how long the line is. like three.

Friday, January 01, 2010

thoughf of the day postings

I've been posting a though a day for a while now. I had intended for the original run to be six months ad it ran longer which is better than what I had wanted and far better than what I expected to do. I'm still going to be posting them and one day may even return to the daily, but for now, I'm going to slow it down a bit and take a break.

thought of the day - 2010 01 01 - Vegas

I have some friends in Las Vegas right now who went to celebrate the New Year and some friends going there tomorrow for some celebration. Personally, I'm not the vegas type. I'm not much into gambling, there's something wrong about a seafood buffet in the middle of the desert, and yes, I realize the strippers in Hawaii comapred to the strippers in Vegas, I mean, that's like watching Huey Lewis without the News, but still, Veagas just isn't my place.