Anderson Cooper

So a friend and former speech student of mine is somewhat enamored with Anderson Cooper for saving a kid from a riot. Let me just say Anderson Cooper is a tool. Don't get me wrong, he's a good looking tool, by comparison I'm basically a blind, shaved, albino monkey but he's still a tool.

And he's on the same network as Wolf Blitzer and Wolf Blitzer scares me. He seems looks like your typical hairy older reporter, but with a name like Wolf Blitzer you know there's some family history there. Like psychotic parents. If you name a kid Wolf Blitzer he should be an Air Force pilot dropping bombs on the North Vietnamese or driving a column of tanks across a Kuwaiti border to launch sabot rounds at statues of Saddam.

But you'd think there'd be one redeeming quality right? Like maybe he's related to Alice Cooper. No, actually he's a Vanderbilt, but that only makes him more of a tool. I was just reading a biography of Cornelius Vanderbilt, dude was a good business man but a total asshole when it came to business. He fucked over his partners a bunch of times. To the point of driving more than a few of them to bankruptcy. It's actually a neat story, Except that it goes on to Anderson Cooper WHO'S A TOTAL TOOL!

Okay, fuck, if I wasn't drunk right now, I would have just said "Alice Cooper" and it would be all "ha ha ha" and shit. MORE BUSHMILLS. Here's one to Anderson Cooper, may he one day save a baby from being eaten by a dingo.