Father's Day

 Why am I not been wished a Happy Father's Day by the kids I don't know I have?

Drinking Games

 If I played a drinking game with this hearing where every time some whackado fantasy get's shown to be bullshit, I'd be more shitfaced than Rudy on election night.

Failed Negotiations

 When I was a kid, I would read books and someone would give me pizza for it. Now I have to read white papers and nobody gives me pizza. This is not a good deal.

Committee Hearings

 The real credit for this Jan. 6 hearing goes to the interns and IT staff who had to cut all these video clips and get them to play at the right time and in the right order. 

I would have thrown in some hardcore porn clips just to see who was paying attention. Probably hardcore gay porn just so Madison Cawthorn would watch. 

Star Wars

 The only thing you really learn from Star Wars is that everybody has daddy issues and every government has a hard time doing good security at scale.

Coffee Machine

 My old coffee maker started acting up. To be fair, I actually think I just need to get a new filter basket. But I got a new coffee maker last Christmas that's still sitting in an unopened box on my table. 

Why unopened? Because even though it's a Star Wars coffee maker, which is kind of neat, it's a 1-cup coffee maker, which is stupid. Worse, it's a 1-cup coffee maker that came with two mugs. What kind of sadist has a 1-cup coffee maker with two mugs?

That's a Death Star-level design flaw. 

I thought maybe it was one of those k-cup coffee machines. Nope. It's just a regular filter-brew coffee machine, but with a tiny, one-cup filter basket.

This thing was definitely designed by a Sith Lord to fuck with people.

Now I know why the Empire is always so grumpy. Stormtroopers rotating on shift are all caffeine deprived. If I had to go through this much effort for one fucking cup of coffee, I'd want to start blowing up some planets too.