Friday, September 28, 2012


There's too many mash-ups and putting two words together to make new words that don't make any sense. I like joining things; that's why I have so much duct tape. But none of you will ever beat the best mash-up of all time: The Spork. Not only is it a great utensil, it's fun to say and would make a bad-ass name for a comic book hero. I'm pretty sure The Spork could take on The Hulk, no problem.

Community service

I’m thinking of starting a new community service project for women who think they might be lesbian. I’ll offer them a last chance to sleep with a guy just to make sure they’re gay. Given past experience I'd probably just be confirming it for about 93% of prospects.

I'm only racist when people annoy me

Just because you’re talking in a different language that gives you the right to talk really fucking loudly? Fuck that; if you can yell in Chinese right next to my ear I can say “hey bitch, use your indoor voice.” Even more so if you’re speaking a foreign language because presumably you can’t understand me and won’t be offended when I tell you to shut your fucking noise hole.

Poultry Genocide

There’s something wrong about taking a piece of chicken, then coating it with an egg just to cover it in bread to cook it. You don’t see a man-eating alligator taking a baby and then covering it in placenta just to roll it in bread. Don’t get me wrong, I like chicken, it just seems like we’re responsible for like multiple rounds of genocide against chickens. We should be glad they can’t pay lawyers or they might have Chick-Fil-A sent to the Hague

on racist cereal

I remember growing up there was a cartoon spokesman for the cereal Fruit Loops that was a toucan. Toucan Sam was his name. If I’m being totally racist here I have to admit I’m kind of disappointed that he didn’t speak with a Jewish accent and the occasional Yiddish word. “What!?! you kids want my cereal, that’s just mean. I blame it on the facata schools not teaching you good morals. Oy! You haven’t taken enough already, okay fine, here, take the fruits and the loops. Call your bubby.”

Computing power

A single X-Box 360 or PS3 has more computing power than all of NASA had when they put a man on the moon and the best use you can put it to is playing Lego Batman or Glee Karaoke? ...sigh.....

Look I get it, we have all this great stuff. My laptop can encode video in realtime, the phone in my pocket can give me directions, provide additional security to my email, let me play games, hell if it wasn't on AT&T's network it could even make calls; but you know what's better than all of that? Boobs. Look I get it, games are fun, but go fucking do something useful already.

Sunday, September 23, 2012


You know, I like PBS, despite the commercial pressure I'm sure they get, they have yet to succumb to something stupid like CSI: Sesame Street...though I'm sure Big Bird would be a pretty good firearms expert, lots of experience with bird shot.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Are you there God? It's me

when you say "are you thee God? It's me, Margaret" How does God know which Margaret? There's got to be millions of Margarets, Maybe he's busy and gets you confused with a stripper in Reno. You should be more specific.

And don't claim omniscience on me. If God has that level of omniscience then he doesn't need a first name. That's just wasting his time and he's a busy deity. Don't waste his time you selfish bastard.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

in re musical history

I confused Matchbox 20 with Maroon 5 again this evening. Doesn't really matter, except that I came very close to confusing both for UB40 for some reason. And that has me worried for my lack of memory with regards to musical history....and also reminds me of the time I had an entire argument with a Wal-Mart clerk about where they kept the UB40 when I meant WD-40. And to be honest I think UB-40 would be just as good as for loosening hinges so I'm not sure what her goddamn attitude was for. But I digress. What was  I talking about? Something about how many bands does it taken for Bono to open a stuck door? Whatever.

Sunday, September 09, 2012

The grammar of physics

I haven't gotten laid in a while and if I were to happen to use extra virgin olive oil as lube, by Webster-Newton's laws of grammatical physics, I'd be a virgin again.

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

Family Planning

Yeah, sure I want to get married someday, but only so that I can put my phone on a family plan and stop getting raped each month by AT&T