Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Environmentaly Friendly

So I'm pulling out my pocket knife to open a roll of paper towels when I notice the marketing on the outside of the package, which boasts that the towels are made from recycled materials. The obvious implication is that they're environmentally friendly because they're recycled.

...Yeah, except that they wrap the fucking thing in enough plastic that I need to use a goddamn knife to open it.

It's not that I mind the marketing bullshit. I expect that, what I mind is the half-assedness of using plastic to wrap recycled trees. It's like eating a bacon cheeseburger and then trying to convince yourself you're being healthy by not putting salt on the fries. Like that kind of duplicity and lack of commitment should be goddamn tolerable.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

...and then, after I've had a few minutes to think about it, reality sets in

The below is a list of things I kind of think I'd like to see, and then I think about it for a bit and I really don't want to see it:

1. A white guy who can pull off corn rows
2. My girlfriend with a lesbian
3. Dane Cook doing stand up live
4. Naked Sumo wrestler
5. Sarah Palin elected President.

yes, these are ordered starting from mildly disturbing to most frightening possible thing I can imagine seeing with my really, really poor eyesight.

Math Lessons

I had my son today and he was amazed by a purse on sale for $679.99

Yeah, wait until you get a girlfriend and she discovers this thing called "Coach". You will be both dumbfounded and broke.

Funnily enough we were spending the day studying math skills over summer vacation. And since he'll be starting algebra soon and is already having a little trouble with properties like the associative and transitive properties, here's a little math lesson for my son in the future:

B - (G * C) <= 0

Where B = your bank account, G = your girlfriend and C = Coach.

This and how to properly balance a checkbook will prepare you for 95% of the math in your life.


Look, I have no real problem with marriage, but I think it ought to at least be pragmatic. I propose a slight modification to the vows. "'til death do us part....but if you die and turn into a zombie, I am going to shoot you right in the brain before you can turn me into one of the walking dead"


Ah Starbucks' brownies, you are the crack of baked goods. The Old Testament, Unleavened cousin of cake and oh so delicious.

Reality TV

I have this idea for a reality TV show that I'd like to see get made. It's called Hangman. It's what you think it is. Except that if you win they buy your a house or pay off your underwater mortgage and give you a million dollars. If you lose, the hang you.


Girl at the coffee shop using the 2% milk, I so wish you were two percent clothed.

And yes, i realize this is kind of a douchebag thing to say, but in my defense...she's hot.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Wheel of Fortune

So I had the TV on last night while washing dishes and Wheel of Fortune was was still on. I remember spending summers at my grandparents as a kid watching that and now, as back then, it was Pat and Vanna. How fucking crazy is that career?

The entire watching that show two things went through my head. First, time has been kind to Vanna White. And second, by comparison, my job sucks ball. You can fucking bet Vanna doesn't have to deal with vendor shipping delays, configuration errors, fiber cuts and service outages or any of the other shit I do. I would get a fucking sex change and plastic surgery if I had a shot at getting that job. She doesn't even have to know the answers to the puzzles. You walk back and forth and touch glowing letters. She's not even turning them anymore, just tapping them like a giant fucking iPad with cash prizes.

And granted, it's probably not that easy to walk in heels or have to daily tolerate bad jokes from Pat, but every day I sit in my office trying to verify part numbers and switch configuration to trace call flows and network packet traces, I'm more and more jealous. I could so do that job. I could do that job drunk. Stash a flask of something and take a swig when the camera pans away to the contestants. I might stumble between tapping those letters, but I would still fucking rock that job.

What must the job interview for that have been like? Can you walk back and forth? Do you know the alphabet? Can you use your arms? We're good here. You start Monday.

Though you know, as I think about it, I have to admit, I don't know if I could have had Vanna's attendance record. I've never seen her with the flu, flipping a letter with a used kleenex, or injured, back and forth across the stage on crutches. If I had a schedule like that I'd have to imagine that with that kind of free time I'd get into some shit and have to miss a taping because I couldn't make bail.

Still, how fucking awesome would it be to have that job? I mean even by comparison, Alex Trebek didn't know all those answers but he did stil have to come across as smart. Doubly so because he's Canadian, and that shit takes effort. But pacing back and forth, tapping letters and clapping, I need to find a way to get that fucking gig.