Monday, February 28, 2011

God closes a door

Every time God closes a door, I open a bottle of scotch.

Saturday, February 26, 2011


If you care, my vision is 20/80 which means that what you can see at 20 ft., I won't see until I'm 80 and someone invents that visor thing from star trek that the reading rainbow guy had

The test for getting old

Here's my deal with getting old: I get a three ft piece of bamboo. my son/wife whatever gets bare hands. If I get to the point where I can't fend you off you can tie me to an anchor and drop me off a boat.

The Cyclops

Why was the cyclops such a threat? He's only got one eye. He's got no depth perception.  When I was a kid I was a comic book nerd and liked the idea of a bunch of handicapped super heroes like No Depth Perception Man, but it's very impractical for a villian to be terrifying with no depth perception. Like he'll try to throw a rock at you but thentrip over a goat and FTP the rock on his toes. Or completely overshoot and hit the demon horde behind you

Soliciting for the Church

Some church guy stopped me last evening telling me that there was a void inside me that only Jesus could fill. I think he was trying to proposition me for gay sex. But I guess if I was getting sodomized by Jesus maybe it would be okay because I would still be a virgin


I get that Jesus was tortured on the cross and we're supposed to appreciate it. But how come they didn't torture him by kicking him in the nuts. I saw that Mel Gibson where they beat the shit out of Jesus and I think they did everything except kick him in the balls.

And why the fuck is swearing supposedly bad because Jesus said so? You don't think he was swearing when they nailed his ass to the cross. If someone nailed my ass to the cross, I'd be swearing up a storm. And a bit too worried about my own ass to care if someone else dropped an F-bomb

Thursday, February 17, 2011

I have Fuchs' Dystrophy. I should jump in the ocean and blink a lot

So I have this condition known as Fuchs' Dystrophy.

Which, you might think sounds kind of cool, like maybe Martin Sheen would have had it when he was playing the President on the West Wing. But it's not, it just means that the cells on the inside of my cornea start dying off making my cornea thicker and me even more blind than I otherwise would be. See, those cells typically help pump fluid out of the eye and as they die off, fluid starts to build up.

So in order to help reduce some of the fluid in the eye, my eye doctor told me to use this stuff called Muro 128 to help draw fluid out of the eye. Muro 128 is a "sodium chloride hypertonicity."

Now being something of a grammar asshole, I know a hypertonicity is basically a solution that has a higher concentration of something than it would normally have. And while I don't claim to be a professional meth manufacturer...I mean chemist, I'm pretty sure that sodium chloride is better known as salt. Yep, salt.

So if I read this correctly, and granted, I can't see for crap so maybe it actually says "unicorns and magic leprechauns", I'm being told that I need to put salt drops in my eye. Even better than that, the stuff I buy is actually an ointment, not drops. So I mix it with some water and it dissolves into drops. I could use the ointment, but to be quite honest it looks a little it like semen and though even if I don't consider myself a homophobe, I don't think I'm comfortable with the mental image of putting that in my eye. Drops I can handle, a medical money shot, I can't.

And instead I spend $28 on a tube of medical spooge that's basically salt water. Fucking SALT WATER. Seriously. I don't mean to complain, but knowing that I have to pay $28 for salt water, even knowing that it might help my vision doesn't make me feel any better about how the stuff looks. Nor does it help me reconcile the cost of it. I realize that it's very possible to spend a lot of money on a small bit of something; perfume, cosmetics, these kinds of things are expensive. But they also have some really complicated chemical formulas. This is fucking salt. I mean hell, I live on an island. I'm surround by ocean. Why couldn't I just get an instruction like "see that blue stuff out there? Go jump in it and blink a lot." It doesn't cost anything and it's still salt water. Right there. Cured. Then again, that's where fish poop so, I guess I'll stick to this.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Easy as 1, 2, 3

Yeah, it's not as easy as 1, 2, 3.

It's more like as easy as 1,
times 2 ...
to the 64'th power ...
digits of pi ...
recited in Greek ...
after drinking half a bottle of Bushmills.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

How big of a nerd am I?

So how big of a nerd am I?
Well, in about a week my cataract-Jedi eye doctor, who sounds a little like Billy Dee Williams without the cape is going to Death Star my eye capsule what Grand Moff Tarkington did to Alderan and I'm mostly concerned with what's going to happen to my email inbox with a day of messages piling up.

Monday, February 14, 2011

The Flintstones

As a kid I never found it odd that the Flintstones didn't wear pants.

Now in my adulthood I find it even more disturbing that adults consciously made a decision to make a live action Flintstones film, intended for family audiences, with no pants. Do we just not understand the risk to children's' mental development regarding a wardrobe malfunction when sliding down a dinosaur?

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Trained as firefighters?

I have to imagine that there are, somewhere, strippers who were trained as firefighters and just didn't like having to rescue people but really like sliding down the pole.

Thursday, February 10, 2011


It's called a side- "walk" you douchenozzle. Not a side- "stand around in people's way like a fucking moron." move your ass

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Signs of soap

When deaf people sign a swear word do they have to wash their hands off with soap?

Replacing words

i'm going to start replacing words with other words more often. It makes my life more bearable. "Font matters not." "Do or do not, there is no Verdana." "Use the Italics Luke."

Shit just makes more sense that way.