Wednesday, January 21, 2015

For water? Are you fucking kidding me?

You’d have to be an idiot to pay $2.68 for a bottle of water. At that price, it had better be more than just “smart”, it had better be goddamn magical. Like a unicorn fucking a leprechaun magical. Or at least it had better give you a orgasm.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Warming that up for me

I like coffee but I’m torn here. On the one hand, if you didn’t burn your coffee I wouldn’t need to put cream and sugar in it to cover the taste of old-timey prospector’s camp fire and what I’m pretty sure is asbestos. But when you pour me more coffee you screw up the balance of cream and sugar that I’ve already got going, thus forcing me to play ad-hoc chemist to stay caffeinated without tasting ass for the rest of the morning.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Shoe laces

I regularly leave the house with my shoes tied. I would say somewhere between 5-7 days a week I’ve got on some sort of footwear with laces. And when I leave the house they’re tied. But at least a few time a week I find myself in the middle of the sidewalk, or walking out of a meeting, or just some random place, having to stop and re-tie my shoelaces. That’s a pretty high failure rate for a technology that’s been around for a while. If I used a fork and half the time it failed to pick up and hold food, I’d invent something else. Well, we sort of did, that’s why we eat soup with a spoo. And we did the same for shoes too. We’ve had Velcro for decades but laces think they’re so high and mighty that Velcro is only for toddlers and the elderly. I think Velcro needs to get a new PR team in place. Get a good marketing campaign going like “velco: because if anything else failed in their job as often as shoe laces, you chuck it to the fucking curb.”

Friday, January 09, 2015

Birds vs. Fish

I want to think that oral sex must be pretty horrible for birds, but in really thinking about it, it's probably even worse for fish.

Tuesday, January 06, 2015


There's a weird part of my mentality that just wants to be sort of the grizzled old-timer. Saying stuff like "let me tell you something kid, when it comes to money, you can't take it with you and if you spend it all on hookers the IRS will get suspicious."

Friday, January 02, 2015

Worst. Trilogy. Ever (Not counting Jesus, Mary and Joseph)

Three of them. They've actually made three Taken movies. Once, okay, everybody has a bad day. Twice, you should be evaluating your parenting skills, but three times, you have to stop and take a serious look at your overall life choices. How is it these scripts can get green lit and nobody can make a good Wonder Woman or even a good adaptation of a Stephen King book since The Stand?