Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Peace on Earth

If men were more like dogs, there would be a lot less war. I don't mean that in the sense of being stupid and easily trained, I mean that if men could lick their own balls, we'd pretty much spend all day doing that and wouldn't bother with war. Don't think for a second that if George W. Bush could lick his own balls he would need Cheney and Rumsfeld to do it for him. Fuck war, he'd have spent the whole first term in office curled up under the desk in the oval office.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Fox News IS Evil

I don't normally watch TV, but I have had a chance lately to shoot up my CNN fix while on vacation. I want to remind those of you who prefer the more conservative cable news channels that each time you watch FOX News, a baby seal gets clubbed by a Canadian. Goddamn Canadians. Thanks to Pacific Coast Hellway for reminding me.

Drug Use

People say that drug use gets you nowhere, and I guess I can't disagree with that, I know a bunch of druggie type people that don't really amount to jack shit, but you know what? Drug's might not get you nowhere, but at least the trip takes the scenic route.

Wood Burning Computers

There was a guy asking for some help on the website Experts-Exchange I answer questions there, usually technical questions. In this case the guy was asking about advice on his 17 year old son who ignores school in favor of playing video games. I think I figured out a solution: Wood burning computer. If kids had to chop wood to keep the fire going to play the Sims, they'd be giving their parents a lot less shit. Better yet, make one that burns coal. If you have some 17 year old fucking having to mine coal to play Warcraft they'd be too tired to act like little assholes.

Tastes Like Chicken

If we think that everything taste like chicken, what the hell do chickens think that we taste like?

Sunday, December 18, 2005

I'm Far Too Nice to People

I really should learn to just hate people. It would make so much of my life easier. I know how to be disgruntled and pissed off. I do that stuff really well. If I just learned to walk around all day and say "fuck you" to people, my life would be easier. No more "oh sure, no problem, I can spend all day doing shit that causes me to lose sleep for which I'm compensated by being bitched at." It would be all "oh. What a cute puppy, here let me give it LSD and make it jump into a pot of boiling water while you watch" or "oh you need a dollar to catch the bus, here let me whip out my dick so you can suck it bitch, otherwise you ain't getting a damn thing."

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Winning the Lotto

Why is it that psychics don't win the lottery more often?

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Saddam as Nintendo Star

So I'm watching the news today, has it occurred to anyone else how much Saddam Hussein looks like Mario without the overalls and lame hat? He should sue Nintendo for illegal use of likeness and trademark infringement. Except that Mario smiles more and Saddam usually looks pissed.

Saturday, December 10, 2005


Some of you optimistic pricks out there are telling me that the glass is half full. What you're forgetting is that it's half full of shit.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Bastardization of Coffee

I love coffee. I mean it. I really love coffee. I love coffee so much it impedes my spelling sometimes (that's what MS invented spell check for). But it's gotten so bastardized it's crazy. Starbucks has made millions selling coffee flavored cream and sugar and whipped shit and overpriced pie. I can understand putting creamer into McDonald's coffee, the stuff tastes like ass. But we've twisted what was essentially a staple of the diner's dollar menu and turned into into a $5 concoction that's more addictive than methamphetamines. Shit, even Coca-Cola is making a coffee infused cola now (Coke Blak (sic) ). I normally drink black 100% pure Kona coffee at home. I'm lucky enough to have a good supplier (thanks dad) but I feel almost like I'm trading in black market goods. I say I drink black coffee and I get odd looks like I'm a midget gimp with a predilection for rubber chickens or sheep.

Friday, December 02, 2005


That song "Ironic" by Alanis Morissey....Morissette...whatever, the Canadian one from "You Can't Do That On Television" was just playing on the radio. All that crap she was sining about, the rain on your wedding day, traffic jams when you're late, all that crap. It's not really ironic, it's just kind of goddamn funny.

Jesus at Christmas

What does Jesus do on Christmas? I mean it sucks enough to have your birthday and Christmas on the same day because you only get one set of presents per year, but does Jesus have to make a Christmas list? I mean he's the son of God, doesn't he just sort of imagine shit up and get it? And what about the whole being good all year thing? He feeds hungry masses, cures the sick and dying, turns water into wine and dies for all the sins of all humanity and that's not enough to carry over for a while? On a normal scale just one miracle is probably enough for a new XBox for Christmas but the guy does this daily. I mean how would Santa reward something like that? That of course is the real question, not What would Jesus Do, it's What Would Santa Do? And when Christs gets resurrected, how would he deal with mall Santa's? You walk up to a elf, "Hi, I am the savior of all mankind, He who died for the sins of all mankind, can I get a picture with the guy in the beard....and a pony?"


Old thought, but it came up again today. A raisin is a waste of a perfectly good grape.