Monday, January 30, 2017


Waiting at a crosswalk yesterday I actually heard someone yell out “nice tits” from their car as they drove past. Seriously, who does that? I wasn’t even wearing a tight shirt.

Actually I assume he was yelling at the woman across from me, but still, who does that? I have to admit that left me a little disturbed and a lot confused. Part of it is just the rudeness of it. And yeah, it’s annoying, but that’s not what was really bothering me for a day now. I finally figured out what it was though. It’s the stupidity of it. One of two things is true here and in either case it doesn’t make sense.

Let’s assume, for the sake of argument that her breasts were fake, implants. If that’s the case, you’re complimenting her for someone else’s work. Even if it was her decision to get the implants, she didn’t do the surgery herself. You don’t go to the guy who was driving the boat and say “nice fish”. It would be like complimenting the printer for a well written book. You need to stop and find out who her plastic surgeon is so you can drive past him or her and yell “nice tits”. It’s only fair.
Now on the flip side, say they were completely natural, then it’s largely a matter of genetics. You need to find out who her parents are and yell “nice tits” at them. Sure there’s diet and exercise, but genetics still plays a large part in that. I’ll concede that there’s something similar in passing by a classic car and saying “nice car” when the douche driving it clearly doesn’t know how to change their own oil, let alone maintain a transmission from the 1950’s. But in that case you’re really just saying “congratulations for not having an accident and totally wrecking that thing.” And if that’s what he had yelled, I could maybe understand, but the same logic doesn’t extend to “nice tits.” The only way that would be appropriate to yell is if she was with both of her parents so the compliments could be shared equitably.

Or maybe you should just shut the fuck up because she had earbuds in and probably didn't hear you anyway and, honestly, who says that?

Wednesday, January 25, 2017


I’ve got this weird pet peeve with quotes. I’m fine with people using quotes, but the person you’re quoting should be somehow noteworthy and ideally, well known enough that the reader doesn’t have to deep dive into Google to find out why they should be listened to. Quote me Jefferson or Franklin, Rousseau or Kant, I’ll take weird quotes from Shakespeare and occasionally an ancient Chinese proverb, but if you’ve got a quote, even one that’s well written and poignant, with some random person’s name attached, it carries less weight to me. I applaud you for not trying to plagiarize and pass the words off as your own but if I have no frame of reference for why this person you’re citing has any credibility, then it’s a waste and I refer you to my favorite quote: “Fuck you.” – George Carlin.

Monday, January 23, 2017


I kind of have to be impressed with the dedication of alcoholics. It takes real perseverance.

Also, the power's been out for like an hour now and they're still having the meeting in the pitch black church next to me.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Inauguration Day

Tomorrow I choose instead to celebrate that, despite explicit and implicit racism we’ve successfully gotten through a full two terms, eight years, with the first African-American (well, half) President, without some crazy asshat shooting him. At least one black guy wasn’t regularly pulled over by the cops. Downside, one more unemployed black man.

As we head into a new Presidential administration and Congress whose tenure I expect to be more disastrous than the Red Wedding was to the Stark family, it’s my hope that when the new President is left to govern, he’ll handle the office with combination of humility and intellectual curiosity that people deserve. I don’t expect it, but I do hope for it.

Do I expect the world to end? No, fate doesn’t like me that much. Do I expect that unchecked, the combination of a thin-skinned, aggressively reactive Executive and a bickering, hypocritically partisan Legislature will do extensive damage to our economy, society and general discourse? Yep. Not what I hope for, but certainly expected. Look, my life probably won’t change much day-to-day. I’m male, on the higher side of upper middle class and Asian. That’s like white +. We’re white + good at math + Chinese food is just….food. What I hope for is that those in power, seek understanding of those who aren’t me, who consider the effects their decisions will have on those who haven’t had the opportunities that I have and don’t have the opportunities that I continue to have. The real measure of a soecity is how well it treats the least among us; how well we can embrace change and unite us instead of untie us. But if all else fails, DJT can go fuck himself. Literally. There’s a buttplug with his likeness. He can literally go fuck himself with himself.

Two things I want to point out. First, for all the discussions around fake news that have happened since November, it’s incumbent on all of us to stay informed and to think critically, not cynically, about the information we receive. I’m not going to blame Briebart or MSNBC, I’m going to blame all of us for listening to them without asking for verifiable, credible sources. I understand that it’s difficult to you know, pay attention to stuff. It’s hard. There’s a lot of great shows on HBO to watch and only so many hours in the day. Do it anyway. The future of society rests on the critical thinking and intellectual curiosity of its people. If I didn’t have a kid I probably wouldn’t care, but since I do, the future deserve you to pay attention and think critically.

Second, and more importantly, because I’m guilty of it as well, as recently as this week in fact, that Homeland Security slogan “when you see something say something”, it doesn’t just apply to security. And it implies more nuance than a game of “I spy” where all you spy is a dark guy with headgear. If you see something dumb, like say, Giuliani being appointed a head of cybersecurity even though a 12-year old with access to Google and nmap could replace his company’s website with goatse (if you don’t know, go ahead, do an image search for goatse). If you see something dumb, then yes, say something. But make it constructive. Criticism without constructive suggestion (for example, perhaps begging Richard Clarke to come back and take that cybersecurity role) is not just a waste of time, it’s detrimental to society as a whole. Say something by way of starting a conversation with the other side that begins with “why is it you believe that is in our collective best interest?” and “help me understand.”

I also implore all of you to go to Twitter and petition them to shut down DJT’s account. Communications at the level of high public office has significant implications on domestic, and in this case global events. A President has multiple means of communication at his (eventually her) disposal. If he wants to make a statement at three in the morning, you better believe there’s an entire staff devoted to getting that message out in ways that don’t carry the threat of misinterpretation contained in a 140 character limit. He’s free to go an criticize actresses through the Press Secretary and Twitter isn’t a news desk.

Sunday, January 15, 2017


There’s something pretentious about all these doctors just going around without borders. Sometimes borders are good. The reunification of Germany would have been way less emotional without the Berlin wall to take down. You would leave the Hasselhoff to just dance on a sidewalk? No! I say.

And if it’s a matter of prestige, I’m sure we could find something equally as impressive for doctors not to have that they can put on their CV. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a group of doctors without mountains of student debt? Maybe there’s a compromise to be had here. What if it was doctors without boundaries? They could get a little handsy in the exam room, they could initiate awkward conversations about hot relatives they kind of want to bang or that time you tried anal but it ended in disaster. And they can still go around saving people. There’s nothing to prevent that, they just don’t need to be so preachy about it, being all “ooh, we’re doctors, we're better than you, we don’t believe in your borders.”

Saturday, January 14, 2017


It's good to live by a code. It provides a moral framework. Maybe get a motto. Mine is 'via con queso'

Tuesday, January 10, 2017


I don’t think it’s that I’m old, even if many of my reference points are. I woke up this morning with the radio talking about “Hillary” and my semi-conscious brain started wondering if something was going on with Mt. Everest and why people might be talking about Edmund Hillary. There's this term you may hear a lot of - “political calculus”. The problem I have is that calculus is math. Generally, a discrete, predictable thing. And if politicians were so fucking great at math I don’t believe we’d be carrying this much of a budget deficit and we'd have a plan to replace Obamacare rather than just repeal it. As it turns out, they were talking about Hilary Duff and I feel really old now.

Monday, January 09, 2017

Chinese New Year in America

America doesn’t have the thousands of years of history that China does, but I think it might still be worthwhile to come up with a set of lunar calendar mascots. Make this the year of the buffalo wing or perhaps the Tweeting Cheeto.

Sunday, January 08, 2017

The Skirt

For a while now, I’ve been trying to learn some basic German, not with the intention of fluency, just enough so that if I happen to go back, I can make my way around without having to rely on the assumption that everybody knows English. And to be able to say “No, actually, I’m a Canadian” convincingly. And, I should note from the start that yes, I’ve thought about it, I’ve even come up with the wording and it’s quite amusing, but no, I’m not going to make the obvious joke about learning German to better acclimate myself to a fascist leader. Anyway, I learned a new vocab word today, the word for “skirt”, as in the article of clothing most typically associated with women and the Scottish, "skirt" in German, is “rock”, with that actual spelling. Which I wish I knew when the Tooth Fairy movie came out because that would have been the best time ever to start calling him Dwayne “The Skirt” Johnson. Of course that probably would have resulted in my spleen being ripped out, but you don’t really need a spleen and it seems like a reasonable price to pay. Now, I don’t know him, but I have to assume that as he gained international popularity this must have been quite an amusing thing when he would visit a German-speaking nation to promote a movie. Do you think anybody told him? I like to think they kept it as an inside joke until he appeared somewhere in a skirt and everybody was like “yeah, okay I get it now. I think it’s maybe not something I’d tell him to his face, but okay, he wants us to call him ‘skirt’, we call him skirt.” Also, in the interest of promoting multiculturalism, and multi-lingual education I will be forced to henceforth refer to him only as Dwayne “The Skirt” Johnson. Except to his face, because I like my spleen.

The Afterlife

I really hope that when we die, that’s it. I don’t like the idea of parents or grandparents watching us from heaven. I’m single, male and I have a broadband Internet connection. Can you imagine how much I don’t want to be haunted by the thought of my grandmother looking on as I wade through the Internet? And I certainly want to believe that when I’m dead and gone, I don’t have to spend eternity watching my kid in the aftermath of a Del Taco binge. All of which is to say, I wanted to sleep in on a Sunday, but the church next door to me has bells.

Friday, January 06, 2017


I wonder if a cow can have hopes and dreams and aspirations. But then it gets cut down in its prime before it gets to fulfill them and that’s what makes this so delicious.

Thursday, January 05, 2017


I would like my son to learn some philosophy. Maybe not in college. Maybe just high school debate would suffice. Enough so that one day he’ll ask the the important questions like “why am I here” and I can tell him “lack of proper birth control”.

Wednesday, January 04, 2017

Early Childhood Education

We need to raise the bar in education. Especially early childhood education. “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”? That’s it? You skipped the entire torso. None of the vital organs in there. You can’t sing without lungs and yet they don’t make the song? I mean, that’s just lazy.


If we’re going to legalize marijuana, which seems fine to me, I think we need a better unit of measure for it. Even alcohol has a proof level, but I can’t tell if this brownie is going to make me relaxed or paranoid. And I can’t rightly see a cop stop you and try to figure out “on the scale of cancer patient to Phish concert, how stoned are you?”

Monday, January 02, 2017


If you were at sea for an extended period of time, does a mermaid really represent the ideal fantasy? You can't do anything with bottom half fish. Inverted mermaid, that makes sense. Limited vocal capacity, no arms to fight you off with, legs mean they swim slower and you can do stuff after you catch them. I'm just saying, the seafaring explorers of old had it backwards. If you have to go half fish, top half fish makes more sense.


I can multitask: All those stray animals the TV keeps asking me to donate to?, all the starving kids in the world the TV keeps asking me to donate to? Put 'em together. BAM. Solved.

Sunday, January 01, 2017

Special Olympics

Does the Special Olympics have boxing? On the one hand it would seem only fair, but on the other hand it just seems wrong.