Thursday, December 24, 2015

I bet one of these singing idiots is named Carol and she works in accounting

No, I don’t hear what you hear, but don’t you think you should see someone about these auditory hallucinations? That’s a symptom of schizophrenia.

Saturday, December 12, 2015


It is entirely possible I just heard my neighbor orgasm to the sight of another grown man scoring a goal of some kind. Nobody should be that enthusiastic about a game they’re not playing in. Unless they have some serious cash riding on the game, and if you’re living in my neighborhood, you don’t have serious cash. But then I guess if I didn’t have loud motherfucking neighbors, how would I know if the team I don’t care about, playing a sport I can’t identify did marginally better than other team.

Wednesday, December 09, 2015


Thing is, if I’m going to be lied to by a politician, I feel like it’s only fair to lie to them. Like if you happen to be the mayor’s doctor, tell him he’s developed an fatal allergic reaction to vitamin C, or if you’re the Senator’s cable TV provider, tell him his house can only get CSPAN2 and no other channels.

Wednesday, December 02, 2015


If the fastest land animal is a cat, why do people still race horses and dogs? Because you can’t really train cats to run when you want them to. Cats will run, but on their terms. Thing is, I think that would make races even more interesting. You never know which ones will run, which ones will take a nap and which ones will pounce on someone in the stands. That kind of thing would be way more entertaining.