Thursday, December 21, 2006


Some people have six-pack abs. And I'm very happy for them. But I'm better, I have a whole keg.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Christmas shopping boys vs. girls

Christmas shopping for boys (and because men are basically boys with higher credit scores, them as well) is easy. If it's shiny or you can explode it or you can injure yourself with it, it's a good gift. That's the only rule there is. Shopping for girls however is incredibly difficult. Clothes, you have to get the right size. If it's too small she won't wear it, if it's too big, she does this little psyche out thing and thinks that you think that she's too fat. They're picky about wallets and bags so even the things that you can screw up on size you screw up on. It's a lose-lose situation unless it's lingerie in which case it's more lose-win. But I digress. If you get candy it's either the wrong kind or she thinks you're trying to get her fat, if it's a book, it's one she already has/has read/hates/has burned in a protest to the oppressive male character. So I give up. I leave it to the gods. This year's Christmas present, I'm fate's bitch. I picked a random number between one an 16, walked down that asile, closed my eyes and picked something at random. So congrats my dear, you're getting dental floss and a tube of Crest for Christmas this year. Waxed, cinnamon flavored floss and some cavity protection. Merry Christmas.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Grip vs. Key Grip

Was watching a movie this evening and when the credits roll by there's a bunch of people listed as 'grip' or 'key grip'. And I understand that these are basically the people standing around holding lights and microphones and shit on a movie set but I don't understand why they require their own credit at the end of a film. And why they have some fancy ass title like 'grip'. You're the guy that holds shit basically. And what the fuck is a 'key grip'? Is that the guy who holds the keys for the director so he doesn't misplace them? That I can kind of see. It's the end of a long day of shooting a film and you're so fucking tired of the actor's and actress's bullshit you just want to throw something at them, that's the guy who makes sure you don't throw your fucking car keys at them. But does that really deserve a special title? Like, out of all the people holding stuff, you're just the special guy chosen to hold onto keys?

And if that's not what it is, then is that the guy who holds other important stuff? Or maybe just the most important guy who holds stuff? In which case you're really just the important grip or the gripper of important things. You're not key. I could find a gorilla that would grip shit really tightly. You're about as key to the actual production of the film as the guy who sweeps the soundstage and he doesn't get a fucking credit at the end of the film.

Friday, December 15, 2006

The difference between marriage and dating

The difference between marriage and dating is that with the former, you're settling down, with the latter, you can always trade up.

Placido Domingo

The annoying soundbox next to the annoying Christmas tree in the lobby of my office building was blaring some of Placido Domingo's music today. I'm not a big fan of opera so maybe I just give even less of a shit than normal, but I wonder if he got a lot of crap for his name growing up.

"You know, I don't really like opera, but you're supposed to be pretty good so my wife likes and hence forth, I get laid. I'm not sure if you actually have talent but she thinks you're supposed to so, it's sort of like the Placebo Domingo effect, wherein I get laid because somebody said you're supposed to have talent." or

"I was watching this cute girl walk by and then your crappy music came on and distracted me and gave me a headache Mr. Flacido Domingo."

I just wonder if any of that has ever happened.

Avil vs. M&M's

I've always referred to Advil as the candy coated pain reliever. Because it is. Plus it melts in your mouth, not in your hand. So they're kind of like M&M's. Only M&M's don't take away the headaches I get from work. That's what scotch is for.

But if I was really a nice person I would have handed out little packets of Advil for Halloween instead of fun size bags of M&M's. And you know what. That shit's not very fun. There's like 8 M&N's in there. That's a total of 16 M's and quite frankly, that's not very fun.

The Pill

I take lots of pills. Usually Advil, Asprin, Motrin. Random painkillers. Maybe something stronger if I'm flying long distances and TSA pisses me off more than normal. But I have never taken THE PILL. I've never had to, and it wouldn't work on me, but I'm consistently impressed by how when you say "the pill", everyone knows fuck well exactly what pill you're talking about. Unless you're in the Matrix, then you still have to choose between the red one and the blue one, but I'll bet one of those is still "the pill."

Friday, December 08, 2006

Things I want out of life

Some people have large aspirations in life. Become a millionaire, or a CEO or a Senator. I just want something simple. I want to have a category 4 or 5 hurricane named after me and I want it to destroy large portions of the South. Florida or Texas preferably. Not just because I dislike the South, but because nobody remembers the names of all the millionaires Fucking Hurricane Katrina, that's memorable. So yeah, that's what I want, I want a hurricane named after me. And I want it to kill lots of crazy fucking rednecks.



I was asked today why men stare at women's breasts. It took a while but I think I know now. It's because they're targets. The breast, the area around the nipple and the nipple are three concentric circles. Women literally have a pair of 3D bullseye's no matter what article of clothing they wear. But if they wear a skirt it's even worse. you've got two bullseye's and what basically amounts to an invitation for easy access. But in case you think this sexist, it probably is, but keep in mind that all men are afraid of women. We have no self control which means we're constantly living with the fear of doing stupid shit to impress women and worse yet, failing. 

Golf and Life

I never play golf even though I should. I go through life doing everything sub-par. At least in golf. I'd be a fucking success. I'd be so sub-par I'd kick Tiger Woods ass.