Sunday, November 18, 2012

Holiday math and being lied to by bakers...or spicers...or both. Whatever.

Okay, so I'm pretty sure someone is fucking with me. The can of pumpkin says I need ginger and cinnamon and nutmeg and cloves but then on the spice rack there's this stuff called pumpkin pie spice and, I mean, it's got the damn name right in the title, only I don't see anything about pumpkin pie spice on the side of the can with the pumpkin pie filling in it where it lists the other spices, so seriously now, someone is fucking with me right? Am I just supposed to guess how much pumpkin pie spice to use in place of these other spices? I took calculus in fucking college, don't make me do this math crap now just so I don't feel totally goddamn worthless on Thanksgiving.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Awkward conversations

I had what is quite possibly one of the more awkward date conversations in a while. Basically it went like this.
Her: So you've never cheated in a relationship?
Me: Nope, and I won't
Her: Is that like some personal code thing?
Me: Nope.
Her: So why not?
Me: Because I couldn't hide it
Her: Huh?
Me: I could never get away with it and I'd never live down the consequences.
Her: Are you that bad a lying?
Me: No, but look, the head of the CIA, the guy who's in charge of protecting all our secrets, aliens, who killed JFK, Abraham Linclon's clones hunting vampires across the world, shit like that, the guy who's security clearance is basically "are you fucking kidding me, of course I can keep a secret", he couldn't get away with an affair, what fucking chance do I have?
Her: So if you knew you could get away with it, would you cheat?
Me: I don't, probably. Just once to see if I really could get away with it.

This did not get me laid.

The date pretty much ended when I made some comment to the effect of "do you realize how many Chinese people there are in the world? Even if you're one in a million, that means there still like a million Chinese people wandering around, just as good as you are,"

I do not date well.

Great News!

I have never taken this phone to Vegas, but apparently, AT&T has great news! A new cell site in Henderson near Paseo Verde (which I assume is a street instead of some pork and salsa based food, which is what it sounds like) was enhanced to improve my wireless experience. I only need to fly to goddamn Nevada to use it; despite the fact that my 3G connection at home sucks like $10 crack whore on the pipe and for the past two weeks I haven't even been able to get a 3G signal at all. Yet again, FUCK YOU AT&T, I tried to show you some loyalty when my contract ended and instead you do this. Next time you decide to fuck me, use some lube.

Friday, November 09, 2012

Cross cultural

Being that they were on opposite sides in WWII, one would not think the Italians and Jews would play nice together, but damn if pizza bagels aren't just delicious.