Monday, May 18, 2015

Why I'm better than the Avengers

It occurs to me, upon reflection, that I’m better than all of the Avengers. Well for example, Iron Man / Tony Stark, while I may not be a billionaire, I also don’t need to create some fancy voice recognition, British cousin to Siri, AI system because I know how to rock the command line. Also, I can scratch my nose. Imagine Iron Man during hay-fever season, sneezing all over the inside of that helmet. Good luck cleaning that. As for Thor, my hammer is better, it can pull bent nails. You might be able to rule all of Asgard, but I can fix a goddamn fence. With regards to Nick Fury, I’m also blind in one eye but I don’t walk around with a pretentious eye patch looking like John Carpenter wants me to Escape From New York. Though to be fair, I’m not really sure what I expected of a character created as a white WWII soldier once played by David Hasselhoff. And while we’re on the subject of wardrobe, unlike the Hulk, my clothing budget doesn’t quadruple every time I get angry. I’ve noticed that women’s shirts in particular tend to be more elastic, and just from a “consider the aftermath” perspective, he might want to consider wearing much baggier clothing and perhaps more stretchy blouses. Which I suppose is a segue into why I’m better than Black Widow. I could argue that I have bigger boobs but I honestly think that reflects worse on me, so…I got nothing. But I am better than Hawkeye because I’m smart enough to realize that when you’re surrounded by guns and energy beams and flying suits of armor, picking a bow and arrow doesn’t make you cool. It makes you the hipster of superheroes. I’m pretty sure that under that costume is a flannel shirt and some vinyl records. And the only character of the bunch that should be listening to vinyl is Captain America, and only because he’s old and I question is his understanding of how to use an iPhone. And, no I don’t think he could learn either. Captain America may be pretty handy with a shield but I’m smart enough not to let the government shoot me up with unknown serums. That’s not how you get super powers, that’s how you get Hep C. Just saying. So yes, in fact, I’m better than all of these fictional characters. Except for the Russian. Go figure.


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