The full list (updated when I feel like it)

• The greatest trick that Santa ever played was convincing the world he doesn’t exist #AdultSantaFacts
• Even the North Pole has universal health care. They mostly just treat diabetes and gout. #AdultSantaFacts
• Even Santa doesn’t care about pictures of your baby on Facebook. #AdultSantaFacts
• The #1 Christmas movie at the North Pole is Die Hard. #AdultSantaFacts
• Saint Nicholas was excommunicated from the Church because he claimed to have a better beard than Jesus. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa’s list is 4096-bit RSA encrypted. #AdultSantaFacts
• There used to be 15 flying reindeer until the invention of jet airplanes #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa’s sleigh has a car seat for a child. It has never been used #AdultSantaFacts
• Breaking Bad was loosely based on the true story of a couple of elves from Santa’s Workshop #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa’s Workshop is 100% carbon-neutral #AdultSantaFacts
• There’s a wall on the North Pole’s Southern border. Mexico paid for it. #AdultSantaFacts
• Stephen Hawking once tried to explain how Santa could fly around the entire world and visit all those homes in one night. It put him a wheelchair for life. #AdultSantaFacts
• When the polar ice caps melt, Santa will become Aquaman. #AdultSantaFacts
• There was a short-lived NCIS: North Pole TV show. It only lasted seven seasons. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa Claus has a membership at Mar-a-Lago. #AdultSantaFacts
• Even Santa has to remember to clear his browser history. #AdultSantaFacts
• That’s actually an RC Cola, but it’s in a Coke bottle because they gave Santa a better promotional deal on Instagram #AdultSantaFacts
• If you don’t leave out milk and cookies, Santa is perfectly happy to eat your baby. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa is in a Fight Club with the Easter Bunny and Saint Patrick but they don’t talk about it #AdultSantaFacts
• When they get older, children think that they stop believing in Santa Claus. In reality, he stops believing in them. #AdultSantaFacts
• The music in Santa’s Workshop is Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing on an infinite loop. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa isn’t actually lactose-intolerant, but does, on occasion, enjoy a nice glass of soy milk. Just for the variety. #AdultSantaFacts
• North Pole Workshop, sponsored by Monster Energy Drink!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #AdultSantaFacts
• Mrs. Claus was a founding member of the 90’s group TLC, but left to join the Spice Girls. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa dresses up as himself for Halloween #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa somehow managed to be on both the TSA Precheck list and on the no-fly list at the same time because he failed to file a reindeer flight plan with the FAA. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa Claus was in talks to become Donald Trump’s next White House Chief of Staff but decided it wasn’t in the best interest of his career long-term. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa’s favorite food is not milk and cookies. It is, in fact, children from the naughty list. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa doesn’t get the little blue ‘verified’ check mark next to his name on Twitter. He gets a candy cane #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa’s favorite holiday is Diwali, the Hindu festival of lights. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa is allowed to edit his own Wikipedia page #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa does, in fact, know the way to San Jose, but has never been there. #AdultSantaFacts
• After Christmas, Santa takes a short vacation in Santa Barbara and chuckles a lot at the innuendo of “vacation in Santa Barbara” #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa’s naughty/nice list has the only valid exemption from the European Union’s GDPR. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa’s sleigh does have rearview mirrors, but objects in them appear at the correct size and distance. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa’s website runs on Wordpress but has never been hacked. #AdultSantaFacts
• Contrary to popular belief, Rudolph’s red nose had nothing to do with alcohol consumption and everything to do with genetic manipulation by Chinese scientists. #AdultSantaFacts
• “The Night Before Christmas” was actually the story of a botched home invasion / robbery but Olivia Pope does her job well. #AdultSantaFacts
• It’s not called slave labor when they’re elves because elves are only 3/5’s as tall as a person. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa once made a mistake and put a child’s name on the wrong list. Nobody saw the Lindbergh baby alive ever again. #AdultSantaFacts
• It took Santa Claus only 37 minutes to catch all the Pokemon. All of them. He never played it again because he has better things to do. #AdultSantaFacts
• In the 1960’s Santa converted to Islam but didn’t tell anybody because what business is it of yours? #AdultSantaFacts
• You might think the North Pole is covered in snow, but it’s not. The workshop staff are fueled by cocaine. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa has the heart of a child. It’s kept in a place of honor on the mantle above his fireplace. #AdultSantaFacts
• Flying reindeer are pretty tasty. A little gamey but a lot more tender than you might expect. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa once took a vacation to Minnesota but left after one day because it was warmer at the North Pole. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa Claus last took a bath in August of 1945 but that’s only because he was on vacation near Japan at the time. #AdultSantaFacts
• Each Christmas, Santa smuggles a few Guatemalan children across the border in his beard. #AdultSantaFacts
• The 1994 movie The Santa Claus starring Tim Allen has a Rotten Tomatoes rating of 74% fresh but is 100% fake news from Russia. #AdultSantaFacts
• Children in Atlantis don’t get Christmas presents because flying reindeer suck at swimming. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa Claus has both a younger brother and an older sister. Nobody cares. #AdultSantaFacts
• Rudolph’s nose runs on three AA batteries and even Santa gets annoyed that they come in packs of four. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa Claus is the only known being that can verifiably eat only one Lay’s potato chip. #AdultSantaFacts
• A couple of years ago Santa started watching Fox News. #AdultSantaFacts
• The only real magic in Santa Claus is that he hasn’t lost a foot to diabetes. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa knows you really wanted that bike as a child. Tough. What are you gonna do about it? #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa doesn’t actually have to check his list twice, but he does it anyway just in case he has to talk to the FBI #AdultSantaFacts
• Amelia Earhart met Santa once during a test flight of anew sleigh design. Whoops. #AdultSantaFacts
• The largest contributor to climate change is workshop elves farting. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa’s coat was originally a nice cornflower blue, but then the elves tried to unionize. #AdultSantaFacts
• The real Santa used to visit a different mall each day to meet the kids. But then Medicare stopped covering the cost of his Viagra. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa’s nice and naughty list are written in the blood of the infidels. #AdultSantaFacts
• Some older pictures of Santa show him smoking a pipe. Because even Santa knows that vaping makes you look like a douche. #AdultSantaFacts
• The GPS in Santa’s sleigh has the voice of the R2-D2 and he understands it just fine. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa Claus still uses a landline. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa uses the only No. 1 pencil in the world to check names off his list. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa’s favorite pastime is arson. Hence the fascination with chimneys. #AdultSantaFact
• Santa was in a band in high school. He played the triangle and rocked it. Hard. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa Claus makes snowmen from the tears of small children on the naughty list. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa saw Frozen. He remains unimpressed. #AdultSantaFacts
• The North Pole has never had to publicly disclose a data breach. #AdultSantaFacts
• Jesus follows Santa on Twitter and Instagram. #AdultSantaFacts
• Flying reindeer are responsible for 27.4% of all UFO sightings. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa was a founding member of The Roots but Christmas interfered with touring dates. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa Claus was the runner up in last year’s Miss Universe competition based solely on the swimsuit portion. #AdultSantaFacts
• Contrary to some late-night comedians, Santa’s “Ho Ho Ho” is not in any way a reference to prostitution, which is legal at the North Pole anyway. He’s just the biggest fan of the song “Tiny Bubbles.” #AdultSantaFacts
• Babies cry because they know that Santa Claus is going to hold them accountable for their bad behavior. #AdultSantaFacts
• The original design for Santa’s sleigh didn’t fly. But then one time, he got caught in traffic on the 405. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa Claus was responsible for McDonald’s Szechuan sauce because he felt guilty that children in China didn’t get Christmas presents. He’s also responsible for the return of the McRib. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa’s beard actually covers a tattoo that’s a secret map to buried pirate treasure. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa’s beard requires 43 elves to maintain and is styled with the tears or orphans. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa Claus was originally just a regular guy named Nick until one day Jesus asked him what he would do for a Klondike bar. #AdultSantaFacts
• The elves in the workshop were the original inspiration behind Karl Marx’s Communist Manifesto. #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa Claus is the only person allowed to pity Mr. T #AdultSantaFacts
• Santa Claus has firsthand knowledge of what Victoria’s Secret is and why it’s a secret and he’s never going to tell. #AdultSantaFacts
• All of Santa’s reindeer are born housebroken. #AdultSantaFacts
• Last year Santa only got socks for Christmas. And they weren’t from you. He didn’t get anything from you, did he? DID HE?!?!?!?!?!?!?! #AdultSantaFacts
• Grandma was not run over by a reindeer. Body cam footsage shows that she was shot after being stopped by a cop and the reindeer were framed for it. #AdultSantaFacts