Conversations With God
So let’s say you decide to talk to God. You put your hands together and start rambling on trying to have a nice conversation, but see God’s shitty at communication. Either that or he just doesn’t like you. Because really, you shouldn’t need to talk to God, he’s God, he should already know what you’re going to say, and if he was going to respond, why waste time? Why not just go “Okay, hold it right there Sam, you can get up, the knees thing was good for olden times, but now it just looks like you’re trying to suck yourself off and it kind of creeps me out. Look I know what Janet did and yeah it blows….literally and figuratively and yeah I already know you want her to contract gonorrhea but it’s just not going to happen today okay. You got preempted by her grandmother that wanted happiness. This is a first come first served deal here man so ain’t nothin’ I can do. So here’s the deal, give it a couple of months, she’ll find out that Puerto Rican guy she cheated on you with in the parking lot of the Pizza Hut gave her crabs and urinary tract infection, that’s the best I can do for you. God….out.”
I mean shit, he’s God, he already knows what you’re going to say before you say it. And it’s almost always requests for shit. Just once I’d like to see God materialize in front of a praying child and go “Sarah, I am the Lord, your God. Honestly now, a pony? Do I look like Santa Claus to you?!?! I mean really. Between Pat Robertson praying for me to slay with wicked liberals with fiery vengeance and the Blue States trying to get me to see how far up Pat Robertson’s ass I can shove a Douglas fir, not to mention the fact that somewhere along the way someone fucked up and somehow Islam get’s the 72 virgins instead of ME, and you’re going to ask me for a pony? C’mon Sarah, at least put some effort into it. I mean at least try here will you! Give it another shot, let’s see what you can come up with. How about “world peace,” that always sits well with the judges?”
I figure, instead of praying and trying to talk to God, which is useless because he would already know what you’re going to say, you should just sit back and wait for God to talk to you. And stop fucking bothering the rest of us that already found our God in the form of 1) Hash 2) Acid 3) Alcohol 4) Food 5) Sex 6) Sex with Alter Boys or 7) Jello (hey, there’s always room for Jello).
I mean shit, he’s God, he already knows what you’re going to say before you say it. And it’s almost always requests for shit. Just once I’d like to see God materialize in front of a praying child and go “Sarah, I am the Lord, your God. Honestly now, a pony? Do I look like Santa Claus to you?!?! I mean really. Between Pat Robertson praying for me to slay with wicked liberals with fiery vengeance and the Blue States trying to get me to see how far up Pat Robertson’s ass I can shove a Douglas fir, not to mention the fact that somewhere along the way someone fucked up and somehow Islam get’s the 72 virgins instead of ME, and you’re going to ask me for a pony? C’mon Sarah, at least put some effort into it. I mean at least try here will you! Give it another shot, let’s see what you can come up with. How about “world peace,” that always sits well with the judges?”
I figure, instead of praying and trying to talk to God, which is useless because he would already know what you’re going to say, you should just sit back and wait for God to talk to you. And stop fucking bothering the rest of us that already found our God in the form of 1) Hash 2) Acid 3) Alcohol 4) Food 5) Sex 6) Sex with Alter Boys or 7) Jello (hey, there’s always room for Jello).
posted by rpalmeira at 2:42 AM
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