thought of the day 2009 11 05 - animal shelters

Okay so there's this stray cat that's been hanging around near my apartment lately picking fights with other cats and now it's gone and woken me up so I'm kind of considering calling animal control and taking it to the shelter.

But it sort of begs the question, how come there's animal control and animal shelters and animal adoption programs but no homeless adoption programs? We kind of have homeless shelters, but they fill up pretty fast. Where's the ad on the bus that says "do you like taking long walks, playing Frisbee and drinking heavily? Perhaps you could adopt Jeremy.

thought of the day 2009 11 04 - sports leagues

I don't think it's fair to criticize professional athletes for doping. They're paid to kick ass so they do what they need to do to kick ass. I'd like to see us split professional sports into two leagues. One for the normal athletes and one for the chemically enhanced athletes. That way we steal get to see sports in their full honor and then we get to see a pro boxer punch entirely through someone's torso or see a pinch hitter with 'roid rage go fucking berserk and snap an umpire in half. It's a good balance.

thought of the day 2009 11 03 - give a man a fish

The adage goes "If you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. If you teach a man to fish he'll eat for a lifetime." But that's pretty much horseshit. I mean even if you teach a guy to fish, you still have to give him line, bait, lures, hooks, a rod and reel, a knife, a stove. You can't just teach him to fish and walk away. If he didn't have enough money for a goddamn fish, he certainly doesn't have the money for a rod and reel. And look, I know how to fish, it's not something you can just pick up in the morning and master by lunch. So even if you taught the guy how to fish AND gave him a rod and reel, and bait, and hooks, and line, and a knife and a stove, halfway through learning how to fish he'd be so fucking hungry he'd just sell the gear or he'd trade it for a goddamn fish.

thought of the day 2009 11 02 - cats vs. dogs

Messed up my shoulder again and in the doctor's office I had this discussion with a lady in for some allergy medication. She's got a cat but she's allergic to cats. And I asked why she didn't just get a dog. Her argument was that cats are better than dogs, but I disagree. In fact it should be pretty obvious. Think for a second about a seeing-eye CAT for the blind. Running under parked cars, stalking mice. Doesn't fucking work for the blind does it?

"Alright Mr. Whiskers, let's go." And the fucking cat just lies there sleeping. Fuck cats.

thought of the day 2009 11 02 - Destruction of childhood

Two things come to mind this evening, first off, does anybody else think Willy Wonka was a pedophile trying to lure kids with candy? Isn't that kind of creepy? And he gets two movies, one even starring Gene Wilder.

Second thing, I have to assume that Smurfs swim. Now if a Smurf was to drown, what color would it turn?

Finally, how come on the Thundercats you never saw them marking their territory by pissing all over stuff? Or the times they're all in heat?

thought of the day 2009 11 01 - fucking up the curve

One of my really good friends just celebrated her 9'th wedding anniversary and for some reason (and not just because I'm cheap) I think they should get a slogan for their anniversary, something nice that they can show off to the rest of the world. Like "fucking up the curve in successful relationships for nearly a decade"

thought of the day 2009 10 31 - the flying car

Okay, so here's the thing. I hate traffic and I really want the flying car so that we don't have just one two dimensional road, we can start putting all the traffic into 3D, stack lanes on top of each other.

But that whole idea fails miserably because I also like the idea of the drive through fast food window, fruit stands on the side of the road and hookers. So if we finally go the flying car, we'd need to give all the hookers jet packs. I'm just saying.

thought of the day 2009 10 30 - glass ceilings

If there is a glass ceiling, I think I'd like to work under it. All the dudes would be wearing pants and I could look up skirts much easier.

thought of the day 2009 10 29 - pies

Almost bought a strawberry pie when I was grocery shopping today. I looked pretty fresh, actually looked really good until I realized I probably shouldn't be eating an entire fucking pie by myself.

What I really need someone to invent is a pie with hands on it, so that when you reached into the fridge it could slap you. And if someone in science can get that far they should add little speakers to it so that it can yell at you too, like "hey! fatass! you do NOT need another fucking slice of pie. Go jog a mile then come back and talk to me."

thought of the day 2009 10 28 - Osama again

Okay, I was just thinking about this, now tell me if I'm wrong. If Osama had whiter hair and a slightly longer beard, wouldn't he kind of look like that wizard guy from Harry Potter?

thought of the day 2009 10 27 - transparency

Spent part of Sunday morning watching Fox news and one of the female anchors...sorry really bad with names and they all kind of look like they're fallback job plans included jobs on late night Cinemax....but they were rambling about transparency and openness in government. I have to say I kind of agree, just not so much with government. I don't really care about what the government does, I'm going to get fucked anyway, but seriously that anchor chick in a transparent dress, I could follow that logic.

thought of the day 2009 10 26 - dogs

I almost got attacked by a guy walking his dog on the way to work the other day. Well, not really attacked, 'cause the dog was relative small and I probably could have kicked it, but surprised at least. And now I know why they say dogs can smell fear, it's because I think I shit myself a little.

thought of the day 2009 10 25 - Osama and New Media

All this new media crap going on, Twitter, Facebook, podcasting. I want to know what Osama Bin Laden's facebook updates or Tweets would be. My guess, something simple, "Still hate America. Need to go poop in a cave now."

Short and to the point.

thought of the day 2009 10 24 - airplane travel

I've been doing a lot of traveling by airplane recently and I've decided that pilots coming onto the PA system before the flight takes off are boring. Once, just once, I want to have the pilot come on, give his little speech, then take his mouth away from the mic a little bit so that it's like he's turning his head away and say "Punch it Chewie!"

thought of the day 2009 10 23 - you can!

Walking home from work this evening I nearly stepped in a giant pile of dogshit. Now I wouldn't normally mention this except that it was really really shiny, which leads me to think that you really can polish a turd.

thought of the day 2009 10 22 - Chinese on the moon

I don't know what the fuss is about having the Chinese go to the moon. I mean how cool would it be for the US make it back to the moon base and waiting for them are some chopsticks and dim sum?

thought of the day 2009 10 21 - ways to die

Some people think there's no good way to die. To these people I say: MDMA fueled, sex induced heart attack in a orgy with the entire Swedish bikini team.

thought of the day 2009 10 20 - Harry Potter

If Harry fucking Potter is so magical, how come he still has to wear glasses?

thought of the day 2009 10 19 - Smurfs

If people have all different shades of skin but they're blood is always red, and a Smurf is blue, what color is their blood? I bet when Smurfette was in a threeway the Smurfs all spunked in neon magenta.

In fact, if you think about it, all Smurfs are the same shade of blue, how come there was a blond smurf and a nearsighted smurf and a white-haired bearded smurf, but no rasta Smurf? There was Papa Smurf, what about Papa Roach Smurf? Why was there no glam rock Smurf, all decked out like something from a Duran Duran video. Or Hippie Smurf all free love and shit. Something is very wrong with the Smurfs.

thought of the day 2009 10 18 - weathermen

Here's the thing about being a guy, we have built in hardware for determining weather. They're called testicles or more casually, balls. When it's hot, they dangle, when it's cold they shrivel. Generally it's not a pretty sight, but I look at it as God adding in weather prediction hardware.

In my mind I picture a guy in a really wide tie and his pants around his ankles dangling himself off the roof of a building.

"Well Kirk according to the left one, it's going to be a scorcher today don't forget your hat and sunglasses. Back to you Kirk and Lisa!"

My only problem with this is Al Roker.

thought of the day 2009 10 17 - plurals again

What exactly is the proper term to pluralize "Elvis"? Like in Vegas where you have a show with lots of people dressed like Elvis, is it more appropriate to refer to them as Elvises? Elvi? Or just retards?

thought of the day 2009 10 16 - The Internet is like beer

Simply put, the Internet works like beer. When you're at a football game and somebody in seat 22 wants a beer, you pass the beer along. You don't get anything for this, mind you, it's just your neighborly duty to pass along the beer. And this is how the Internet works.

And yes, I do spend my days on analogies like this.

thought of the day 2009 10 15 - company medical plan

Does it seem kind of bad when the company medical plan involves "hope really really hard. We'd tell you to pray but we have to be fair to all religions including atheists. So just hope really hard."

That would be like if I had a broken rib and my HMO sent me to Dr. Pepper. Ooh and come to think of it, you know there's got to be a guy with the last name Pepper who actually went through med school and became an MD, but like three years into his career, he just could take the constant jokes and went all apeshit. It would be great if his therapist was Dr. Scholls.

thought of the day 2009 10 14 - Mrs. Butterworth and Aunt Jemima

So it was revealed recently that Mrs. Butterworth's first name is Joy.

Joy Butterworth. I now have a strong desire to apply for a credit card with that name just to see what kind of credit Mrs. Butterworth has.

But it does beg the larger question. What was her maiden name? And if she were to get a divorce could she afford to change her name back without risked trademark and copyright issues...and all those royalty checks.

Personally though, I'm more interested to know if she's somehow related to; perhaps even a sibling of Aunt Jemima. That to me would make sense. One makes pancakes the other makes syrup. It's like a perfect little family. They're both of apparently African American descent. It seems logical.

And where does Uncle Ben and his rice fit into all of this? If I had to guess one of these fine breakfast ladies is his illegitimate child.

thought of the day 2009 10 13 - The Resurrsection

Did you ever get the sense that maybe the resurrection of Jesus was like an ancient Roman version of candid camera? Like I have to wonder. Omnipotent deity and you have to wait an entire weekend to come back? Doesn't that seem like some excess napping? Shouldn't really take much more than an hour right? Unless you're really into the bit and you just have to keep rolling with it to keep up appearances. Until someone slips up and gets noticed walking out of the cave to take a leak and then bam! Jig's up, you're stuck pointing out where all the hidden cameras are.