Ego

 Scientists estimate there are about 2.2 million ocean species and about 90% of them remain undiscovered. 

You swim where all of them poop, so maybe take the ego down a notch or three.

Rice

 Okay, so you've got a balloon the size of three buses and you shoot it down in 50 ft. of water. How much rice do you need to put that motherfucker in to dry it off?

Subtitles

 I just misread the subtitle option for "Spanish" as "Spinach" and for half a beat thought to myself "the vegans have gone too far."

Probably time to give up and go to sleep.

Speakerphone

 You’ll spend $700+ on a new phone but cheap out on a $20 headset and make everyone listen to your speakerphone call in public?

Fuck all of you. The entire species.

Cost of Living

 I keep hearing about how expensive it is to live in Hawaii. And I'll admit, you can live comfortably in other places much cheaper. But affording a comfortable life in Hawaii only requires that you have rich parents and a decent alibi for the homicide investigators.

Takeovers

 Somebody convince Elon to take over the Federalist Society next.

Nuclear Armageddon

 The great thing about the possibility of nuclear armageddon is that when somebody tells me there’s a new episode of their favorite reality TV show next week, there might not be.