Birthday Sex

I was having dinner and drinks with a friend when this song comes over the speakers in the bar. “Birthday Sex” by someone I’m not familiar with, but Google assures me is named Jeremih. I had to spend a minute trying to make out whether the lyric was “first date sex” or “birthday sex”. Call it my poor hearing two glasses of rye whiskey in, and above the background noise of the bar, I just couldn’t make out the words clearly. Or maybe I just didn’t want to believe it. See, in my mind ‘first date sex’, definitely something to be applauded. I haven’t had a first date in months, and first date sex probably since before Tinder was a thing. First date sex, definitely worth a song. In my mind, that’s what the lyric should be. Because writing and professionally recording an entire song about birthday sex, that’s just…I mean don’t get me wrong, birthday sex has game, but a song about birthday sex, that game is badminton. You’re a professional musician, if you’re devoting this level of attention to sex that occurs annually, you better be living with a houseful of kids and facing two mortgages, like birthday sex is the one day a year where you get to live. That 30 minutes, let’s face it, 18 minutes tops, where you can feel like a king before returning to a world of mediocrity and internet porn. First date sex, that’s song worthy. That’s something to be sung from the rooftops, even with the weird bubble popping sounds in the background and the R&B bass line. That’s what inspires the younger generation to be musicians. Its first date sex that makes the hours of work building an audience and years of patience waiting for your big break worthwhile. You’re young, the music should be about first date sex. It should be about no date sex. Not the almost obligatory sex you have once a year, on a birthday, like a sad romantic comedy best friend who’s getting pity laid. This is not what professional musicians should have in their repertoire.  Dammit man, you’re supposed to be an inspiration to all the little smooth voiced kids who just want to sing and get laid to sing. Birthday sex. Jesus got laid more often.