Change of Mascots

 The Polar Bear should be the mascot for the Republican Party. 

Hear me out. 

The polar bear is the epitome of rugged self-reliance and individual liberty. It lives out in the middle of nowhere. It doesn’t believe in nationalized healthcare. Sometimes it has to jump into freezing waters to catch something to eat. It could eat one of those Chinese panda bears in a single meal. Unlike those sad sack brown bears, the polar bear doesn’t hibernate. Those lazy socialists can suck it. Polar bears don’t worry about laws and are staunch supporters of the right to bear arms. Also bear legs and bear ears and bear noses. In fact polar bears touch noses to share food and much like a MAGA Republican, will do it without wearing a mask because it thinks masks are for pussies. A polar bear doesn’t care what God you pray to when it slashes open your belly, but it knows you’re definitely praying to some God. 

Like the GOP, the polar bear, could, go around killing a bunch of Canadians, but usually chooses not to. Polar bears spend more than half their lives hunting, but typically, they’re less than 2% successful in a hunt – just like the GOP’s hunt for fiscal discipline. Male polar bears can weigh as much as 10 men. Just like Rush Limbaugh. Polar bears are also too stupid to realize that they’re going to go extinct to protect the economic interests of a bunch of dickbiscuits who are fucking up the environment. Also, polar bears like to remind people that they’re technically black, but they’re covered in so much white they’re literally translucent.