Advice

My kid is getting older. Whether out of a sense of paranoia or responsible parenting, my ex had me give him a condom. Which is fine. My problem is that I feel like it should come with a lesson. Not like the old health class banana lesson, but more like advice. Problem is, I don’t really have any. Most of my relationships failed. Badly. The rest just failed regularly. Not that I expect him to be using it any time soon, but the condom has been sitting in my medicine cabinet for a while and apparently it’s going to expire next year and I really don’t like wasting things. Look at how much plastic there is in the ocean. It would be bad for the environment to just see the thing go to waste. So while I’m not particularly enthused by the idea, it just seems appropriate that he put some forethought into relationships. I am the wrong person to give him any advice on that topic.

I mean there’s some obvious advice I can give – nobody ever needs to see a cell phone picture of your dick. Ever. Not even for medical reasons. You deal with that in person, not via a Google image search and WebMD. That kind of obvious stuff is pretty easy and straightforward. But beyond that, I don’t really have good advice. Find the clitoris? I don’t know, that sounds like I’m trying too hard to write an Indiana Jones prequel. So here it is, the only real advice I have that isn’t obvious and might be of use: Coldplay is not foreplay.