Friday, June 08, 2018


I was at a restaurant with my kid and the waitress asked me if I knew how the menu worked. I have to admit, that threw me for a loop. I’ve been alive for the better part of four decades, eating solid foods for the majority of that time and dining at restaurants occasionally throughout. I thought I knew how menus worked, but now she’s got me second guessing myself. Perhaps these are some kind of magic, Harry Potter sorting menus? Where I need to cast a spell and the appropriate dish will just pick me instead of the normal way around. Maybe the pages are voice activated: “Alexa, turn menu page to wine list. No, ‘wine list’. WINE LIST!!!! YOU EVIL BITCH!!!! Screw it, yes I’ll order a Sierra Mist.” I was pretty confident in my menu skills before, but now I’m beginning to doubt myself. Maybe I really don’t know how the menus work. Maybe I just forgot. Or maybe I never knew. What if every time I’ve gone into a restaurant before this, I’ve been doing it all wrong and the waiter or waitress has just been humoring me; waiting for me to leave so she can point me out to the rest of the wait staff like “Jesus, keep an eye out for that fucking idiot in the future y’all. Doesn’t know how the menu works. It’s half a fucking miracle he somehow learned to chew and swallow correctly.” I mean, don’t let the dye job, art history degree and Spice Girls cover band stickers fool you, this waitress clearly knows her shit when it comes to menus and sometimes it’s better to defer to the professionals on important matters. I mean, we wouldn’t just put some fucking narcissist TV personality in charge of the nuclear launch codes and we wouldn’t let just anybody in on the secrets of the menu. Clearly some preparation and training is required. Is there, like, a test or something I can take to become menu certified? Maybe a placement exam? I’m still confident that I’m qualified for the kiddie menu but the appetizer section and the dessert section (or wait, is that desert?) might be beyond my current capabilities. What about a practice menu? We let med students cut open cadavers. I bet if I had a practice menu and some time I could pick up the necessary skills pretty quickly. I just need an old menu, 12 shots of espresso, a #4 scalpel and some Bon Jovi playing in the background. It was all a bit much, but as we were leaving I remembered to tell her “thank you for your service.”


Post a Comment

<< Home