Random Acts of Jackassery

and guest

2012-02-09T22:09:00.000-08:00

the kind of crap part about remaining single is the "and guest". I got a wedding invite in the mail recently with the nice "and guest" on it. Which is probably one of the worst invites for "and guest". For a funeral maybe I could invite an "and guest" but putting it on a wedding invite is just a underhanded reminder that "hey we're happy (for now) but we know you're lucky to put up with yourself, let alone con someone else to being with you, so just....don't bring an escort."

"And guest" is just an insulting reminder that if you were to choke on a piece of eggplant, nobody would know anything is wrong until the neighbors start smelling something weird.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the invite, especially if there's an open bar, but it's disconcerting that my friends have a more optimistic view of my social life than I do.

Monopoly

2012-01-29T00:23:00.000-08:00

I found myself in a Toys R Us with the kid this afternoon and on a whim found myself looking for the board game Monopoly. They had a Cars version of Monopoly, a couple of other 'custom' versions of monopoly, even a Monopoly card game but they didn't have regular Monopoly. The had what I thought was Monopoly until I tried to read the box. I could find a goddamn Monopoly en Espanol, but no Monopoly. I kind of wonder if they even make it anymore. Makes me realize how old I am.

Status

2012-01-26T23:36:00.000-08:00

Facebook has like 10 different relationship statuses, from "widowed" and "single" to "civil union", and "domestic partnership" and even the vague "it's complicated". Didn't this site start with college kids finding people to have sex with, why is there no status like "hooking up with" or "occasionally banging" or "randomly fucking" or even a simple "none of your fucking business"? If you're going to lay out that many options I'd think you'd go for the full list.

Show your work

2012-01-25T23:13:00.000-08:00

So 2.0 calls me up and he's telling me about school and complaining about how his math teacher makes him do the problems the long way and show his work. I say "okay, give me an example" and he shoots out 18 x 12. And I go "okay, so what is 18 x 12?" and he comes back after about a minute with 192. It's not, it's 216, did that shit in my head.....And that's why we make you show your work kids. That's why we make you show your work.

Cell Phones

2012-01-22T18:19:00.000-08:00

It seems somehow unfair that any cell phone you by can be set to vibrate, but you can't get a vibrator that takes calls. You can get a g-spot vibrator, but it doesn't get 4G download speeds.

The Future

2012-01-20T20:19:00.000-08:00

As I look around at the Internet today, I'm a bit disturbed.

I kind of hope that children aren't our future.
I'd like to teach them poorly and let them wash my car.
Show them that not everything has to go on Facebook.
Give them some sense of shame or at least an easygoing humility
Let the children's Twitter remind us that some people shouldn't be allowed on a computer.

I want to keep massacring lyrics here, something about people searching for naked pictures and meeting on Craigslist, but I honestly don't remember the lyrics to that Whitney Houston song and I'm too lazy to Google them. Yep, that's right, I'm too fucking lazy for Google. That's how much i give a shit. I'd spend more time typing out how lazy I am than it would take for me to actually do the fucking search in the first place.

False Advertising

2012-01-15T19:13:00.000-08:00

Every time I go into a Panda Express I ask, but I'm always refused service. It's getting to the point where I kind of want to threaten a lawsuit. Look you cannot call yourself Panda Express if you don't have any roasted panda available right goddamn now. This isn't "mushroom chicken express" or "mongolian beef express". Bastards.

On the days after Christmas

2012-01-14T02:32:00.000-08:00

I have 4 bottles of wine, 3 jars of marinated peppers, 2 week old carrots, 1 bottle of beer and 0 fruits in my fridge. It's like a depressing version of the 12 days of Christmas song....

Priorities

2012-01-07T11:22:00.000-08:00

My friend Jim just got a new Audi. Like an A6 or something, very nice car and he's super enthusiastic about it. But he also got engaged a couple of months ago, not so much enthusiasm. You can get super pumped about a car you'll have for maybe 5-10 years, but the person you're presumably going to be with the rest of your life you're like "eh, she's good."

Then again, knowing Jim, it might be the other way around. In ten years Maggie's been replaced with someone else and the car ends up getting passed down to his grandkids and it'll come along with a whole thing about how "The GPS is here and it comes with satellite radio!"

Law

2012-01-05T21:43:00.000-08:00

I've had this stupid thing in my head for like a week now ever since i watched sherlock holmes on my vacation. But every time I hear the word law, I keep thinking Jude Law. Like dropping out of Jude Law school or getting questioned by a Jude Law Enforcement officer. You should try it next time you have to talk to a divorce Jude Lawyer.

Also works well wiith Kevin Bacon and eggs, neuter your Dog the Bounty Hunters, etc.

Points

2012-01-04T22:45:00.000-08:00

I want a relationship that's like my credit card; I want to earn points for every dollar I spend. Or for every hour I have to listen to venting about how much you distrust the people you work with I can earn points redeemable for airfare....I bet you were thinking I'd say redeem the points for oral sex, but no, keep it clean dammit. Plus, with my track record, I'd rather have the miles.

And it's not a commitment phobia or any of that Dr. Phil bullshit. I'm not just trying to scam my way through a relationship. Again I go to my track record on commitment. I made a two year commitment to AT&T for mobile service and look how fucking well that turned out. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

Superheroes

2012-01-04T08:42:00.000-08:00

The shitty part about living alone is that unless you’re well off you’re on your own for all the household chores. You do your own cooking, dishes and laundry. On the other hand, that also makes me Iron Man, or it would, if I bothered to iron anything...So really I’m more like Lefftovers Man and my sidekick Dryer Sheets.

Cremated

2011-12-29T12:01:00.001-08:00

When I die, I want to be cremated. Not because I'm too cheap to buy a plot or whatever, but on the off chance the zombie apocalypse happens a week or two after I die I don't want to come back and bite somebody's face off.

soap

2011-12-29T07:46:00.000-08:00

How in the hell does soap get dirty? I realize the bar has been sitting there kind of a while, but it's goddamn soap. It is, by definition, clean. I realize it's not magic, if I buried it in mud, I don't expect the pile to sparkle, but still, it's fucking SOAP.

Last minute shopping and impulse buys

2011-12-23T17:39:00.000-08:00

The great thing about Best Buy is that it's not like other stores. Unlike a regular store where an impulse buy waiting in line a checkout is a pack of gum or a bottle of soda, at Best Buy it's a goddamn smartphone or a $100 Cuisinart.

New Glasses

2011-12-20T20:58:00.000-08:00

new glasses....now I have to get used to bifocals.

Thank God for Advil. Preventing eyewear induced headaches with a candy coating for...however the hell long they've been around

Trickery

2011-12-18T23:01:00.000-08:00

My son just tried to run a game on me, telling me he already opened the Christmas present I gave him so that I would tell him what's in it. Seriously? He expected that to work? Come on, I've got the experience advantage in this area, I lie to my customers on a daily basis. You can't possibly think that would work? What am I, a fucking Bond villian?

Part of me is happy, like I thwarted some great attempt to get one over on me, proving that I will remain superior to the younger generation forever. And then part of me dreads the fact that my son's generation will one day rule the planet and he can't even outsmart me, which is highly disturbing.

I mean honestly, I like knowing that you can't pull one over on me, but I dislike the fact that my well being in my waning years will be determined by someone who can quote Bruno Mars lyrics...and I don't even know who the hell Bruno Mars is.

Fuck trees. They're overrated.

2011-12-18T13:03:00.000-08:00

Why do I use so much paper? Because if I don't the trees win.

Age

2011-12-09T04:51:00.000-08:00

I'm so old that when I was a kid, we didn't have to worry about Y2K, but everyone was concerned about updating their sun dials during the big BC / AD shift.

Teachable Moments

2011-12-01T10:58:00.001-08:00

I realize that Starbucks isn’t really a kids place, but I always take my son there. I believe it’s educational. Every time you walk in there, it’s a teachable moment about what happens to you when you get a fucking liberal arts education.

I Weep For The Future of Society

2011-12-01T10:57:00.001-08:00

What the hell is the world going to do when Kevin Bacon dies? No more six-degrees of Kevin Bacon. Do you realize how hard it is to connect Kevin Bacon to Justin Beiber already? Imagine how hard that’s going to be in 20 years. Thus I predict the dissolution of civil society.

Surprise

2011-11-29T22:09:00.000-08:00

There's actually a town named Surprise in New York and another Surprise in Arizona.

Personally, I can't imagine who would live in either of those towns, but I certainly know how Surprise, AZ got its name. Some guy got shitfaced drunk in Vegas and got married. By the time he sobered up he was in the middle of fucking nowhere, he turns over elbows his soon to be ex-wife awake and says "where the hell am I and who are you?" and in an appropriately hung over state she yells "Surprise. Arizona!"

A Scientific Study of Weather

2011-11-29T21:52:00.001-08:00

Weather’s in the 60’s here in Hawaii. I actually prefer the chillier weather to the hot. In part because I’m overweight and therefore better insulated, but also because when it gets cold you can always add more layers but when it’s really hot, there’s a limit to how naked you can get. On a related note, as a believer in the scientific theory, I’m available any evening to test that theory with a willing female researcher

On further reflection

2011-11-17T16:35:00.000-08:00

Upon further reflection, I have to ask, why aren't there plastic surgeons for animals? Pit bulls are fucking ugly dogs. And I have to imagine there's a wallaby about there who wants calf implants so he could be a little taller and maybe be able to dunk.

Vets

2011-11-16T21:57:00.000-08:00

What the fuck is special about seminarians? I like animals, but there’s no way that an animal doctor can be that smart. Humans have all kinds of specialists. There are whole specialties devoted to just single parts of the human body. There are doctors who devote their entire lives to just feet. People feet. And people only have two of them. You’re telling me one doctor has the capacity for all sorts of different animals? Cats, dogs, whatever. Two feet, four feet, any number of feet, one guy knows it all. Fish don’t even have feet. I call bullshit.

Litters of puppies, kittens, calves of various types, eggs of various types and this one profession is supposed to cover it. You can’t possibly be that good in that many areas. Either it’s a scam or the people doctors are just slackers. “What brain surgery. Sure you can do that on people, but I can perform a bypass on an Emu and then do an appendectomy on an ocelot. Top that bitch.”

Teaching Slides

2011-11-11T16:32:00.000-08:00

Fine my PowerPoint slides suck. I know they do, I just don’t have anything better. Would you prefer that I ditch the slides and teach this class through the medium of interpretive modern dance?

Halloween 2011

2011-10-31T13:14:00.000-07:00

Downtown on Halloween is an interesting place. Working next to a college I see 18-22 year old women dressed as slutty everything. Slutty nurse, slutty witch, sexy librarian, I even saw a slutty frog. It’s like the perfect excuse to release the inner ho-bag....and then there’s the homeless people releasing their outer hobo.

Also, and total non sequitur, I kind of feel like staying up all night to play Halo if for no other reason than I can call it Halo-ween. I'm that lame.

Oh and further evidence of why I'm still single.

2011-10-29T22:27:00.000-07:00

Dinner tonight, in part had this conversation:

"alright, fine, if you are what you eat and cows eat grass, than this steak makes me like a fucking super vegetarian. Like, vegetarian from concentrate."

reasons I'm still single

2011-10-29T22:23:00.000-07:00

The following was actually used to end a conversation I had a couple of days ago:

"I can't read your mind. If you don't tell me what you're thinking, I won't know it. I work in telecommunications, not telepathic communications."

...and sometimes I wonder why I'm single...

Advertising

2011-10-25T11:35:00.000-07:00

So I'm watching a movie this weekend and one of my eye doctors pops up on the screen. Turns out the guy who did my cataract surgery about a year ago advertises in the movie theater nearest his office. Normally I'd think this was pretty slick marketing, but in this case I'm not so sure thats a great idea. I mean dude, all of your patients have eye problems. How likely are they to be watching a movie? Radio I could see (pun intended) but the only way your patients are going to be able to read your office number is if they're in size 6000 Times New Roman on a big movie screen.

Which i guess is maybe the point. Maybe that's the secret to the advertising. Can't see this movie? Tired of just listening to the horrible dialogue in the latest Kate Hudson romantic comedy and want to see how bad the lighting truly is? Would you rather see Salma Hayek's rack bouncing rather than just hear it bouncing? Visit this guy.

Maybe it's THAT genius.

Disclaimer

2011-10-23T13:17:00.001-07:00

So I'm watching this thing on shark hunting and they have the obligatory "don't try this at home" disclaimer. how exactly would I? Granted, I live on an island surrounded by ocean, but I don't actually live in the ocean. I don't have a shark in my sink. So in what possible way would I be trying to tag a shark at home?

You know what I would try at home? Napping. I have a couch. I'm perfectly equipped.

age and legos

2011-10-17T10:05:00.001-07:00

my body makes weird popping and creaking noises when I wake up. I'm either make of tinker toys or i'm getting old....of course the fact that I can make a reference like tinker toys indicates the latter rather than the former....and since when the fuck did legos get so complicated? they used to be little plastic bricks. Now NASA rovers are easier to assemble.

Moral Question

2011-10-15T04:44:00.001-07:00

say you meet a Jewish girl with low self esteem. Does that make her anti-semitic?

Columbus Day

2011-10-10T22:58:00.000-07:00

In recognition of a rather lame holiday, I went to go look up other lame holidays, turns out I missed national coffee day by about a week and a half. I kind of feel like I should make up for it by sleeping with a barista to make up for it.

Not that I can't think of ways to celebrate Columbus day, but I kind of think the Native Americans have gotten fucked enough.

Please advice

2011-10-08T02:46:00.000-07:00

The words "advice" and "advise" are different. One's a noun, the other's a verb, so the next time you want to know the project's status, don't ask me to "please advice" or I'll have to advice you to get a fucking dictionary.

Want

2011-09-29T20:55:00.001-07:00

It's not that I want you to want me. I'm just apathetic enough so that I don't want you to not want me.

2011-09-27T21:40:00.001-07:00

The popular beverage at work lately seems to be kool-aid and unfortunately, I'm not drinking it.

Wolf Blitzer

2011-09-18T23:44:00.001-07:00

Wolf Blitzer sounds like some kind of sex position whee you agressively do it doggy style, but do it really really quickly.

Optimistic About Time Travel

2011-09-08T22:52:00.000-07:00

Ok, here's some mind bending philosophy for you:
I can take as proof that time travel will never exist, this fact: Hitler was still Hitler. That's it, that one little thing tells me that time travel cannot, and will not ever happen. Because the fact is, if time travel was remotely possible, someone would have come back and killed Hitler, one of history's biggest douchebags.

If Hitler is still Hitler, and Stalin is still Stalin, there can be no such thing as time travel. And if there is time travel, it means that someone came back and killed Dan. "Who's Dan?" you ask? Well you'll never know it, but he was a bigger asshole than Hitler and Stalin combined. He tortured puppies for fun, raped a panda bear every day just because he could, etc., etc. If time travel does in fact, or will ever in fact exist in the future, then someone had to come back in time to kill that asshole Dan and let Hitler live.

Now all of that means, if you're an optimist, the type of person who would like to believe that anything at all is possible and time travel might exist, then you are ALSO of the belief that, relatively speaking, Hitler wasn't all that bad; that Stalin, having sent millions to freezing cold deaths, is, again, relatively speaking, was kind of an okay guy and that Dan is the biggest asshat of all time. That's right: optimists support Hitler.

Racists puppy

2011-09-07T23:28:00.000-07:00

My neighbor's puppy seems to just wag it's tail at everyone. No distinction whatsoever. I kind of think that dog thinks we all look alike. Fucking racist.

Voice mail

2011-09-01T01:24:00.001-07:00

oh for god's sake, don't we all already know to "leave a message" after the beep?' Amazonian tribesmen with no electricity have phones with voice mail at this point. Let it go. I kind of feel like not leaving my name or number just to spite you. Just leave a message from a blocked number like "yo, it's me, it's important, call me back now. "

Reminders

2011-09-01T01:01:00.000-07:00

I was reminded today of a conversation I had a while ago with an ex.

Di: "ugh, I have to shave my legs again, they're getting gross."
Me: "I think you look great and I like you even if you don't shave"
Di: "Yeah, well you're a slacker and when you don't have for a few days it reminds me of fucking a wookiee."
Me: "Reminds you? At what point previously in your life were you kissing a wookiee?"
Di: "Shut up, you know what I mean."
Me: "No, I'm curious, at what point long, long ago were you transported to a galaxy far, far away and found yourself pub crawling on Kashyyyk?"
Di: "What?"
Me: "That's where wookiees are from."
Di: "Nerd. I'm using your shaving gel."
Me: "Only, if I can watch. I like your legs."
Di: "Seriously, who knows the planet wookiees are from?"
Me: "I'm just saying, you're like what, 5' 6"? The top of your head would barely come up to a wookiee's nipple."
Di: "I'm getting naked in the shower and you're still hung up on wookiees."

This is why I'm still single. God damn George Lucas

Spiderman vs. Giraffeman

2011-08-30T02:23:00.001-07:00

If Spiderman got his powers being bitten by a radioactive spider, I would like to see someone bitten by a radioactive giraffe. Maybe he couldn't leap over tall buildings in a single bound, but he could certainly see over them.

Grows on Trees

2011-08-30T02:16:00.001-07:00

Do you think that money grows on trees?....Well yeah, have you seen how much a goddamn cup of coffee costs now? So yeah, I kind of do think that money grows on trees.

Mountain Dew

2011-08-30T02:15:00.001-07:00

Dear God, thank you for Mountain Dew. Bless the hands that have prepared it as it nourishes our bodies and allows us to tolerate one more day at this bullshit job.

Historical Tweets

2011-08-26T10:04:00.001-07:00

I guess the reason why I don't like Twitter is that I don't like the idea of having history chronicled by Tweet. It's not something I can easily fit into a historical context. Can you imagine Twitter at the battle of Waterloo? It would just be a bunch of Frenchmen going “Oui are so fucked”. Or at the WWII siege of St. Petersburg you'd have these 140 character strings of Russians being depressed. And you can't limited a depressed, existential Russian to 140 characters. Look how long Brothers Karamazov is.

Birthday Good Fats

2011-08-26T10:02:00.000-07:00

So I ate a steak for my birthday and I’m okay with that. Now at that dinner, the girl I was with was trying to explain to me that steak is bad and blah blah blah. Bullshit. Steak is a good fat. And I know some of the more conscientious types might argue that good fats come from things like walnuts and olive oil, but I disagree. The fat from that New York strip, tasted awesome and that makes it about as good as any fat could be.

IDS

2011-08-23T00:23:00.000-07:00

So there's an irritable bowel syndrome, but what about the rest of the GI system? Is there an aloof colon syndrome? Or an aggressive sphincter disorder? Or an indecisive prostate disease? 'cause I think I have all of those.

Any Time.

2011-08-22T00:04:00.000-07:00

Look, you're being too much of a literalist here. It's an expression. When I say "any time" I don't actually mean "any" time. I really mean, when I'm bored of watching the MacGyver box set and you have some sort of baked good. Then I can help you with your web site.

Cat Food

2011-08-21T17:01:00.000-07:00

You know what's bullshit? Beef flavored cat food. Chicken, fish, these are things that theoretically a cat could take down. Pigeon or rat would be more appropriate; or lasagna if we're talking Garfield, but when was the last time a house cat took down a steer?

Anderson Cooper

2011-08-17T22:25:00.001-07:00

If I was ever to see Anderson Cooper in real life, I will run away as fast as fucking possible. Not because I dislike him, but because if he's there, you know some crazy shit is going down and it's entirely likely that someone is going to die; it might be a little selfish, but that's not going to be me.

Things to Try

2011-08-13T22:41:00.000-07:00

They say that you should try to find some common interests with your partner, find things you both like, have in common, etc. And to be honest, my birthday is coming up, which I like to use as an excuse to try new things. So maybe I should try banging a dude?

Hypothetical Question

2011-08-07T13:28:00.001-07:00

Sat next to a rather deeply Christian family at lunch yesterday. At least I like to think they were Christians. Anyway, the lady I assume was the mother in the family was visibly pregnant. Which prompted me to consider, purely hypothetically because I don't think the world needs more deeply devout Christians, I know it's wrong to drink if you're pregnant, but is it wrong to drink while pregnant if you plan on having an abortion anyway?

Book Store Monopoly

2011-08-07T12:48:00.000-07:00

So I went to a Borders yesterday, not really realizing that they were going out of business. Everything was on sale which was nice. They even had the board game Monopoly. Which made me wonder why the hell is Baltic less expensive than Connecticut? It's in a much better location, right next to Go where you get paid. And Connecticut is right next to the jail. In real fucking life, you tell me if the property values next to a prison are higher than the property value next to the bank headquarters? Baltic is right around the corner from Boardwalk. Unless you're at like the USC campus, you don't go around the corner and make such a huge jump in tax brackets. That's just bullshit.

piroscki

2011-08-03T23:16:00.000-07:00

Had one of my regular lunches today, piroscki. Which is Russian and therefore best of combined with absurd amounts of alcohol, and is basically meat and cheese in fried dough. So pretty much the only way it could be less healthy is if there was a sauce for it made out of arsenic.

Bar

2011-08-02T21:52:00.000-07:00

If I was to own a bar, it would be called In My Living Room.

Where ere we going to get drunk tonight? In my living room.

Come down and meet us for a drink in my living room.

Did you see that chick I met in my living?

On second thought, I really want to call the bar "in my pants"

Cartoon Conspiracy

2011-08-02T21:50:00.000-07:00

You never saw the Jetsons exercise and they got taken everywhere by conveyor belt and flying car, yet they were all in good shape. Judy, totally doable.

On the other hand, Fred Flintstone literally ran his car and he was freakin' huge.

Conspiracy? I think so.

Like Insulin for a Diabetic

2011-07-12T00:21:00.000-07:00

I kind of have to think that women, as a group, just don't take birth control seriously. Not because I think all women want to have babies or any sexist shit like that, but as a comparison, if men could be responsible for birth control by taking a pill on a regular schedule, we wouldn't forget. There wouldn't be any question of did I forget to take it. We'd have that scheduled. As a collective society men would be like secret agents, synchronizing watches just to make sure we all took it. Like insulin for diabetics or anti-retrovirals for HIV/AIDS. Clocks would chime noon and instead of a bird popping out making chirping noises, it would be a little infant popping out crying and we'd all go 'alrighty, time to take our pill'. There would be no morning after because we'd make sure that shit happened before. Hell, we'd take two, just to be sure. Even then, we'd still wear a condom, just in case nature evolves some mutated, drug-resistant sperm.

So when I overhear some woman in the checkout line chatting on the phone about how hard it is to remember if she took the pill, it baffles my mind. First that you could forget something like that, but more, that you don't get a ticket for being a moron. Your friends should all come up to you and just slap you in the face, or maybe punch you in the stomac, so you don't forget.

I mean it's really like paying the power bill. You might not like to do it, but it's pretty damn clear in your mind that if you don't somebody is going to shut the lights off. Have some sense of consequence.

Favors

2011-07-06T22:24:00.000-07:00

Do you think that when the Godfather gets asked for any favor he holds it over you? Like

"Hey, could you pass the salt."

"you ask this of me on this day....okay, but one day I will ask you to do something for me, and you will do it, no questions asked."

Environmentaly Friendly

2011-06-29T21:19:00.000-07:00

So I'm pulling out my pocket knife to open a roll of paper towels when I notice the marketing on the outside of the package, which boasts that the towels are made from recycled materials. The obvious implication is that they're environmentally friendly because they're recycled.

...Yeah, except that they wrap the fucking thing in enough plastic that I need to use a goddamn knife to open it.

It's not that I mind the marketing bullshit. I expect that, what I mind is the half-assedness of using plastic to wrap recycled trees. It's like eating a bacon cheeseburger and then trying to convince yourself you're being healthy by not putting salt on the fries. Like that kind of duplicity and lack of commitment should be goddamn tolerable.

...and then, after I've had a few minutes to think about it, reality sets in

2011-06-26T22:46:00.001-07:00

The below is a list of things I kind of think I'd like to see, and then I think about it for a bit and I really don't want to see it:

1. A white guy who can pull off corn rows
2. My girlfriend with a lesbian
3. Dane Cook doing stand up live
4. Naked Sumo wrestler
5. Sarah Palin elected President.

yes, these are ordered starting from mildly disturbing to most frightening possible thing I can imagine seeing with my really, really poor eyesight.

Math Lessons

2011-06-26T22:43:00.000-07:00

I had my son today and he was amazed by a purse on sale for $679.99

Yeah, wait until you get a girlfriend and she discovers this thing called "Coach". You will be both dumbfounded and broke.

Funnily enough we were spending the day studying math skills over summer vacation. And since he'll be starting algebra soon and is already having a little trouble with properties like the associative and transitive properties, here's a little math lesson for my son in the future:

B - (G * C) <= 0

Where B = your bank account, G = your girlfriend and C = Coach.

This and how to properly balance a checkbook will prepare you for 95% of the math in your life.

Modifications

2011-06-26T22:41:00.000-07:00

Look, I have no real problem with marriage, but I think it ought to at least be pragmatic. I propose a slight modification to the vows. "'til death do us part....but if you die and turn into a zombie, I am going to shoot you right in the brain before you can turn me into one of the walking dead"

Brownies

2011-06-26T22:38:00.001-07:00

Ah Starbucks' brownies, you are the crack of baked goods. The Old Testament, Unleavened cousin of cake and oh so delicious.

Reality TV

2011-06-26T22:36:00.000-07:00

I have this idea for a reality TV show that I'd like to see get made. It's called Hangman. It's what you think it is. Except that if you win they buy your a house or pay off your underwater mortgage and give you a million dollars. If you lose, the hang you.

2%

2011-06-26T22:35:00.001-07:00

Girl at the coffee shop using the 2% milk, I so wish you were two percent clothed.

And yes, i realize this is kind of a douchebag thing to say, but in my defense...she's hot.

Wheel of Fortune

2011-06-16T11:06:00.000-07:00

So I had the TV on last night while washing dishes and Wheel of Fortune was on...it was still on. I remember spending summers at my grandparents as a kid watching that and now, as back then, it was Pat and Vanna. How fucking crazy is that career?

The entire watching that show two things went through my head. First, time has been kind to Vanna White. And second, by comparison, my job sucks ball. You can fucking bet Vanna doesn't have to deal with vendor shipping delays, configuration errors, fiber cuts and service outages or any of the other shit I do. I would get a fucking sex change and plastic surgery if I had a shot at getting that job. She doesn't even have to know the answers to the puzzles. You walk back and forth and touch glowing letters. She's not even turning them anymore, just tapping them like a giant fucking iPad with cash prizes.

And granted, it's probably not that easy to walk in heels or have to daily tolerate bad jokes from Pat, but every day I sit in my office trying to verify part numbers and switch configuration to trace call flows and network packet traces, I'm more and more jealous. I could so do that job. I could do that job drunk. Stash a flask of something and take a swig when the camera pans away to the contestants. I might stumble between tapping those letters, but I would still fucking rock that job.

What must the job interview for that have been like? Can you walk back and forth? Do you know the alphabet? Can you use your arms? We're good here. You start Monday.

Though you know, as I think about it, I have to admit, I don't know if I could have had Vanna's attendance record. I've never seen her with the flu, flipping a letter with a used kleenex, or injured, back and forth across the stage on crutches. If I had a schedule like that I'd have to imagine that with that kind of free time I'd get into some shit and have to miss a taping because I couldn't make bail.

Still, how fucking awesome would it be to have that job? I mean even by comparison, Alex Trebek didn't know all those answers but he did stil have to come across as smart. Doubly so because he's Canadian, and that shit takes effort. But pacing back and forth, tapping letters and clapping, I need to find a way to get that fucking gig.

How Does Superman Shave?

2011-05-27T00:57:00.000-07:00

If he's all invincible and shit, how does Superman shave? Has Gilette started making the Mach 85000 razor with Adamantium blades on it? Does he use kryptonite laced shaving cream? Does he have Chuck Norris on speed dial to come over and pull it out?

I guess he'd have to use his laser eyes. In which case, you know, good backup job if the reporter thing doesn't work. "Superman laser hair removal: Let the Man of Steel stare at your bikini line."

glee

2011-05-27T00:21:00.000-07:00

I've spent the last couple of weeks watching a few episodes of season one of Glee each night. Partially just to see what the fuss was all about and partially because I've heard they do some good cover songs.

Surprisingly I do actually kind of like it. The writing is decent, some of the songs are good. I know some of my friends are really into it and I can kind of understand that now.

I really only have one issue. And it's nothing ridiculous like the fact that I'm subjected to show tunes, on a TV program that basically amounts to an after-school special written for prime time, set to a Barbara Streisand soundtrack. I can tolerate that because most of the characters are well written and well developed.

No, what gets me is that now I have Journey and Air Supply running through my head; offset only by those few minutes each day where goddamn Rick Springfield pops into my brain. If I have to listen to Jesse's Girl again, I may go insane. More insane I mean.

How The Legend of Zelda Changed Civilization.

2011-05-23T23:38:00.000-07:00

1. Made having a name that started with the letter Z suck less
2. It's educational. I still don't know what the hell an Ocarina is, but in my brain it's like a dulcimer but less gay
3. The original NES version was shiny gold. SHINY GOLD!!!
4. Drug prevention. Imagine tripping on acid and having to listen to that music. You'd be trippin' balls
5. Triforce. Proof that even in a fictional world inside a video game, threesomes are awesome

Same Thing

2011-05-10T23:09:00.000-07:00

Okay, somebody explain the difference to me, because as far as I can tell, a soft taco is the same thing as a burrito, just that some slacker did a half ass job folding the tortilla.

Confusion

2011-05-07T04:32:00.001-07:00

Hm, I still confuse the singer from the Cranberries and one of the Corrs. My son knows none of the songs from either the Cranberries or the Corrs. i don't know which of those is more depressing.

The Good Book

2011-05-05T16:05:00.000-07:00

I just spent 20 minutes listening to some jacktard rail against the Koran because "unlike the Bible" it's a book that promotes violence and intolerance. I'm sorry, um, crusades, inquisitions, witch trials, this is a book free from association with violence? It's stupid to think that way. A few zealots misinterpret something and it causes bad things to happen. Just wait until some crazy bastard reads the Kama Sutra the wrong way and suddenly 72 virgins are coming at you in this life.

Boredom

2011-05-03T15:18:00.000-07:00

Don't get me wrong, I like porn, but to me it seems like it's just an expression of boredom in first world countries. The US has a huge porn market. Nicaragua, probably not so much. And even the limited porn they do have there, is evidence of human boredom. Pandas and sharks don't go around filming each other fucking. No, people do that and then we put it on the Discovery Channel so that other people can watch pandas fucking. How bored do you have to not only, not be fucking yourself, but to watch an entire other species copulate?

Fragrant

2011-04-26T02:44:00.000-07:00

Why in the world do celebrity perfumes exist. It's not like Sarah Jessica Parker is actually spending time in a chem lab coming up with something new smelling. Who the fuck do you think is being fooled here? Just because P Diddy has a scent doesn't mean the girl I'm sleeping with thinks I'm actually magically transformed into a rich talent black guy. And lets be honest, if Paris Hilton's perform really smelled like Paris Hilton there would be a lot of people walking around with the scent of desperate, week-old fish waiting to be purchased....then again, maybe that's why Chinatown smells the way it does. Lots of fans of Paris Hilton.

Sales Pomeranians

2011-04-22T20:50:00.001-07:00

Can I teach our sales people? Sure, but I can teach a terrier to fetch and that would probably be just as useful. So maybe I should just run through the product sets with a Pomeranian just to be safe.

Newbie

2011-04-20T00:12:00.000-07:00

Supposedly, we just hired a new SE. This is good, but I'm not sure how I should play it. Tommy Lee Jones ala Men in Black "I'm not training a partner, I'm training a replacement" or Denzel Washington ala Training Day where I just wreak havoc and chaos. Recommendations? (I mean besides updating my movie references)

Plants vs Zombies

2011-04-10T23:34:00.000-07:00

So let me get this straight. If a zombie bites a person, that person turns into another zombie. But if that zombie bites a plant, nothing happens.

Well that's just fucking racist.

Zombies

2011-04-09T11:56:00.000-07:00

When the zombie apocalypse happens I don't think I'd be worried about people. My greatest fears would be,

1) zombie babies
2) school of zombie sharks
3) zombie cockroaches
4) the return of Ronald Reagan.

Pokemon

2011-04-01T22:19:00.000-07:00

Goddamn, I've actually heard enough about Pokemon, the various Emerald and Ruby and White and Black games, and the different characters and gyms and tournaments and shit.

I think I might actually be happier when my son discovers porn. At least then he'll be too busy to tell me about it.

Forced into the life

2011-03-31T22:20:00.000-07:00

If I ever get fired from my job for being an insolent dick....well let's be honest, WHEN I get fired, and get forced into a life of male prostitution to pay my bills, I think most of my ex's would agree, I'll be pretty bad at it.

But I'd still rather do that then work on one of those Deadliest Catch boats just so someone else can eat crab legs.

Not my cup of tea

2011-03-19T10:15:00.000-07:00

No, it's not my cup of tea. Because I don't drink tea. I drink coffee. And I don't like shit in my coffee.

However, if you can figure out a way to turn the Starbucks on every fucking corer into one of the coffee shops from Amsterdam, that, would be my metaphorical cup of tea. Or coffee. Whatever

Take your kid to work day

2011-03-19T10:04:00.000-07:00

What do prostitutes do on take your child to work day? Or strippers? I just don't really get the appeal of strippers. They're mostly large breasted pigeons following the breadcrumbs of $20's. And going to a strip club is the same as going to a restaurant when you're starving and paying to only look at food. But they still must have more fun than I do, and the job is probably more entertaining for a kid than mine, so maybe I should just shut the fuck up now.

Babies

2011-03-19T09:55:00.000-07:00

So, congratulations to Jolene for having a baby. Being a baby is like being a rock star. Your main job is to make noise. You scream and see boobs. You can throw up anywhere you want, it's expected and somebody else cleans it up.

Groupies

2011-03-19T09:53:00.002-07:00

Rock stars have groupies. I can accept that, but what about air guitarists? Do they just have imaginary groupies who pretend to blow them in the dressing room?

Hats

2011-03-19T09:53:00.001-07:00

What is the age at which it's no longer appropriate to be wearing your hat backwards, accept it and just spin that ducker around? Whatever that age is, I fear I'm rapidly approaching it.

Handbaskets

2011-03-19T09:51:00.000-07:00

If I don't have a handbasket, what do I go to hell in? laptop bag? Bathtub? Email attachment? No, that wouldn't work. Hell probably has a really good spam filter.

Unsupervised Time

2011-03-19T09:48:00.000-07:00

I had a lot of unsupervised time as a kid, which is probably why I am the way I am. A lot of the time was because my dad's been married 4 times and I was there for three of them. Hell, I've been best man or signed witness at one them.

And I don't know if you know this, but I'm not married, no current girlfriend (yeah, that's a shocker) so it's kind of weird developmentally when you grow up and realize your dad is getting more play than you. You kind of have to just take a moment to do a little self reflection when you realize that your DAD has more game than you do. But it's fine, you know? He's happy so I'm okay with it. Just don't go having more kids. I don't think there's a big enough piece of paper in the world for when my kid has to draw out his family tree in school. He'll be saying "um what if I just try to draw this out with some chalk in the parking lot."

And sadly, these are the things I think about with my unsupervised time now.

Yes or No Questions

2011-03-19T09:40:00.000-07:00

When women are screaming during sex it's always a positive or negative. Either "yes" or "no". Maybe a "God" or two in there, which is weird if you think about it because that's probably something that God would put right through to voicemail rather than answering that call.

Don't get me wrong, I'm fairly sure that if God exists and He did create us in His image, he's probably a little bit of a freak and maybe kind of pervy, so I'm sure he'd look at the caller ID see "Bonnie's at it again" and once in a while he'd answer that one, but He's God. He's got stuff to do and I'm sure he screes the sex calls. Plus, if Bonnie was going at it with a vibrator, screaming, that one is more from science than God, so He'd have to think of that one like a wrong number. After all, it would really be more appropriate for her to be screaming "oh development of plastics and alkaline batteries combined with efficient manufacturing, shipping and global distribution!".

But every so often, I wonder if there's a girl out there who screams "I don't know you decide!" At least that would be consistent with how the dinner leading up to the sex occurred.

Reports

2011-03-19T09:37:00.000-07:00

It's taken me like three weeks, but I'm early done with the draft of my installation report for work. Which is nice and it's got a lot of useful recommendations, except that I know it's a futile exercise because people, or at least the people I work with, generally just treat reports like Playboy and only look at the pictures.

Pilots

2011-03-19T09:36:00.000-07:00

I want to ride in a plane with a pilots who are ex Air Force fighter jocks with some boredom issues.

Have the pilot just comes on the PA system and announces "we're cruising at 35,000 ft. and we're going to try a few things here. This first move is called a 'barrel roll'. and please note that the fasten set belt sign is lit."

Yarmulke

2011-03-19T09:35:00.003-07:00

If a Jew drives a truck, does he then refer to a yarmulke as a "skull hemi"?

Tiger Woods should be our energy policy model

2011-03-19T09:31:00.000-07:00

All the craziness going on in the middle east, Obama not opening the oil reserve, we should use Tiger Woods' marriage as our model for a solid national energy policy. You break yourself of a single monopoly supplier, outsource services where you can, source locally whenever possible. It's a great foundational philosophy.

King Crab

2011-03-19T09:28:00.000-07:00

You probably don't realize this about me, but I really like king crab legs. And I'm really good at eating this. That and being damn near blind is probably why I'm not gay. See my crab eating skills would probably make me appealing to gay men, but being blind, I'd probably miss and the cock would end up in my nose or something. Porn stars get facials, I'd probably end up with an earful.

My Next Business Venture

2011-03-19T09:18:00.000-07:00

I think I want to start a greeting card company. But not some lame ass Hallmark knock off. I'd like to do fake holidays. Like a St. Patrick's Hangover Day for March 18'th. And of course I'd steal the Not a Father's Day idea from How I Met Your Mother. because it's important to be able to walk into a CVS and buy a "who's not your daddy" card when the test comes back negative. Plus, we'd have all the normal fake holidays like Chrismassacre (for when your mother in law visits) and Easter.

And then I'll sell out to Hallmark for like a bazillion dollars.

Japan Earthquake

2011-03-18T21:35:00.000-07:00

So over the past week I've been looking at new pictures every day. All I can say is holy shit. It looks like Godzilla and Mothra had some crazy battle across the right half of the country. Add oddly enough, there's even radiation involved.

Sharks

2011-03-16T22:59:00.000-07:00

I was watching part of Jaws this morning and came to realize something. Sharks are carnivores right? So let's say that a shark is cruising the waters off of California and happens to bite a swimmer that is...let's say...mostly silicon. If you were that shark, how fucking pissed would you be? I mean, you don't have any hands, you'd be swimming around with plastic in your teeth and all the other fish would laugh at you like "hey man, you've got something stuck right there" and you couldn't really do anything about it other than maybe bite a pufferfish and try to use him like a toothpick. Plus, that's just one more industry for the EPA to crack down on for tossing more trash into the ocean and violating the Clean Water Act.

Love at First Sight

2011-03-16T22:45:00.000-07:00

By show of hands, how many of you believe in love at first sight?

Here's why you're wrong: love at first sight is based on this premise that was told again today; basically, that when you meet your perfect match, you'll know immediately. So how come when you meet the wrong person, it takes years of emotional crap and mediocre sex to figure out?

Laughing now?

2011-03-16T02:33:00.000-07:00

I wonder if when he was a kid, Alec Baldwin would hear people trying to be sarcastic saying "don't be a smart alec" and just kind of file it in the back of his head. Then when he got older, he did a few so-so movies and went ballistic on voicemail and was all like "what the hell, I thought you wanted me to be stupid?!?"

At that point, you just kind of have to say "fuck it. 30 Rock is great, my SNL skits are goddamn awesome and who else could play Jack Ryan and Mr. Conductor for Thomas the Tank Engine. In a fictional world, I get to bang Elizabeth Banks. That's right. you can all go fuck yourselves." And he'd be right. I mean sure, George Carlin played Mr Conductor too and he was funny as all hell, but it's still nice to think back on the sarcastic assholes of your youth and remember how much their lives suck now.

Knighthood

2011-03-15T01:14:00.000-07:00

I think that if you're going to get the honor of being knighted it should be kind of a balanced deal. Like yeah, everybody in the UK calls you "sir" but then, anyone, at any time can challenge you to a joust and you must accept his or her challenge. 'Cause I think I could take Elton John. Paul McCartney, I'm not sure about and Judy Dench would fucking wallop me, but Elton John, I think I could take him in a joust.